Wonka - This was partially done last night. It's how I opened the conversation - with telling her my lightbulb moment. I apologized for being selfish and not realizing that in this mess it was possible that I had hurt her too. That I was a trigger for her as well.
I expressed wanting a different relationship where she didn't feel those fears and asking what that would look like. In expressing her fears - she did say what would be better for her.
Being direct. Even if I'm not sure what's going on within me, just letting her know something is going on.
Letting her feelings be okay. Whatever the are. She said she was shocked when I asked if she could explain what made her uncomfortable about our conversation.. (I guess vs. me just acting like the Old Val).
I thanked her this morning for expressing her fears. I left it short and sweet because that's all I can do right now other than the work on two things above.... but for now I DO need to rest with my emotions.
It's weird because first thing I do when I meet a new person is to create the very thing she wants from me (or as she put it - the relationships that work well in her life). We are truly not that different.
But with her it's a different story. I need to dig deeper and ask myself if I want to truly put in the work. If it would lead to a recon of some sort - the answer is absolutely. Which I whole heartedly admit is selfish - because I'm only saying yes if it benefits ME as well.
But can I create that safe space knowing there is a possibility she may never come back.. or we may never be friends... or it may never be safe??
Intellectually - I want to say yes because I do want to just care about her in that way. I do want to create a safe space for her with the mindset of not wanting anything in return.
I'm just not sure if I am ready yet. I'm not sure if I am detached enough yet.
Can I get there... yes. But the journey of the "how" is something I don't have the answers for yet.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
The emotional ups and downs from the conversation with X has subsided for the most part..
For awhile - I had beaten myself up over what she had said. Taking ownership for all the fear she felt. Feeling so bad that she felt so much shame and guilt and wishing that I could take it away. There is still such a huge part of me that hurts when she hurts.
Like a good little hamster, I jumped on my wheel. Thinking how could I fix the situation, how could I fix her opinion of me. Somehow I twisted so much of what she said that I turned her truth into my truth and started to believe that I hadn't really changed at all.
And then awesomeness happened. I interviewed to AD a network show. This is a big deal in my industry as assistant directors are responsible for keeping the production of the show on schedule. There is alot of risk and alot of reward.
I totally got the job. I couldn't have been more excited. However when I called to confirm and discuss details in the morning - I had been informed that the dates had shifted and if I wanted to take the job, I would have to not be part of one my best friends wedding.
Missing the bachlorette party would have been fine, but I couldn't miss the actual wedding. My friends have been my rock for 2 years.. it was a no brainer that although this was a great opportunity - the timing wasn't right.
The producer of the Discovery show completely understood and we made a promise to keep in touch.
When I got off the phone - I was overwhelmed with appreciation. No fear that "I missed my shot". No sadness over the loss of money.
Just grateful. I'm so thankful to be there for my friend. She has been such a huge blessing in my life. I am so thankful for all the changes I have been making in myself. I am nowhere near perfect but my career continues to get better because of the positive changes.
And that's when I fell off my hamster wheel. I HAVE changed. I am not that person that X thinks I am.
Although I completely can understand her fear... there is very little I can do about it.
I believe that the last four months I did show her a kind Val. I worked hard to freak out only on the inside and not take it out on her.
I can't do anything about her being triggered by me expressing myself. If I come at it in a loving action, it's up to her to do the same work I do when she triggers me.
I can't do anything about her shame and guilt. I didn't make the decisions, she did. Those are consequences to her actions.
I know I don't shame her or guilt her but I can't walk on eggshells either. I can't chose not to remain silent because I am fearful she will see it as shame or guilt.
I do require a foundation of trust to emotionally connect. I know she doesn't require it, but I do..with her.. and the fact that she sees that as "work" is something I can't control.
She has her issues to work through..And I need to continue to let her go to do it.
She said that she was open to things happening naturally and reaching out without pressure that if it doesn't happen.. that's ok.
I'm not opposed to that - but the truth is.. I have nothing to reach out to her about.
When I have successes - I want to reach out and celebrate with the folks that have been watching/pushing/supporting me this whole time.
When I have struggles - it is the same thing.
She is not that person. She is a ghost of my past... and as much as I wish that weren't the case, It takes two to have a friendship.
I no longer want to be in this state of limbo. In my heart I know I am "not done" with her.. but I can't stay here any longer.
Cause when I do, I miss opportunities. Like with this new friend. She is seeing someone else and although we are creating this amazing friendship - I can't help but wish I would have been more emotionally ready.
It not something I will beat myself up over as I do believe that all things that are suppose to happen will happen...
.. but I feel as long as I'm here.. trying to work on something solo.. I can't be there - potentially working on something great with someone else.
I hope that makes sense.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hmmm it's similar to what I've said about me and who I am now, as I move through life ripples are created, some people will be drawn to me and others will be pushed away.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You're a shining star, Val! Wonderful job of being aware of the pitfalls and acknowledging them. Yes, XW is on her own path. Sometimes our own self-doubts trips us up and hearing others tell us "you...this....and you ....that" makes us wonder if we're perceiving ourselves in the correct light.
Then when we say, "no, no...that doesn't sound right and this is my truth" ...then we take back our own power and OWN it!
you are amazing val.. love how you sit with what happens until the fears and emotions clear up the haze and you can move through it with awareness and grow.. i think you have taken another step... you are an inspiration. (((((((((((((((((Val))))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I feel much better. I forgot how much more enjoyable life is without her. Isn't that sad?
It's getting close to my birthday.. I'm throwing a party on Saturday since next weekend (my actual bday) I'll be in Vegas at a bachlorette party.
This is one of the two annual parties I throw every year. I get more and more excited each year. Both were originally to combat the fact that my X isolated me so much from my friends and family. I needed to believe it wasn't true what she made me feel. That I was actually worth celebrating.
Now it's just a great opportunity to get everyone in one room and enjoy our lives together. I've been super emotional all week. Mushy texts and phone calls galore!
(Did I mention how much I love that my friends accept that about me.)
Just so grateful. So many wonderful people have walked into my life since the BD. I am more loved and love more now than I have in a long time.
If even half of the people come that were invited, I'll be in trouble. A girl can only hold so much whiskey!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
NG - The shoes won! They were fantastic but they were very hard to dance.
My friend got me an aged whiskey that I've very excited about!
Interesting conversation with my new friend last night. Just a recap - our last hangout she informed me that she was seeing someone.
So we talked about going camping together awhile ago. I brought it up last night and then asked if she wanted to open it up to friends and her girl.
When she said sure - why not, I said it was her call.. whatever makes her comfortable.
Her response back was that she thinks I would really like her girl and she's not apprehensive to have us all hang together, but for some reason she has a weird feeling about it and she can't place it.
Also went on to say that I'm a shrewd observer of human behavior and I might see something between them that she doesn't.
I asked her what she meant by it - and she said she couldn't say.. just an odd feeling, not a big deal, but wanted to share.
Needless to say I validated, didn't try to tell her why I thought she had an odd feeling. Hooray to DBing.
It's a fine line - part of me wants to fight for her and say - "Your odd feeling is because you like me silly".
The other part is totally into letting people figure out their own feelings and not trying to "fix it".
I guess we will see how the story continues to unfold. I'm not very worried about it.. unless she pulls away.. which at the end of the day - I have no control over anyway. It would just really sukk.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Wonderful job of being aware of the pitfalls and acknowledging them. Yes, XW is on her own path.
