Peace, I saw your post on the rules sticky. The rules are guidelines and I think Sandi is a bit chagrined they are up there. They used to be a common post to new people to get them started while waiting for DB or DR. Again they are guidelines some of us use/used.
Trying said it best in the sticky; that the books DB/DR and some of WMD’s web resources explain 180s best.
Have you read DB or DR yet?
In my words, as an attempt to answer your question; 180s are doing, saying, acting the opposite of what got you here in the first place.
I have not followed your thread so I don’t know, often WAS will provide a list of grievances. While those are difficult to hear or read they contain jewels of information and are often a starting point for your 180s. For instance in my case my WAS complained I was always angry and domineering. Just prior to and after the BD she would push buttons to trigger an angry response.
My initial 180 was to not engage when a button was pushed. To passively accept what she was doing. If she expressed something I could validate to validate. When responding to attempt to do so in a manner that did not escalate the emotive content of the interaction.
At first this elicited additional anger from her. Eventually she stopped engaging altogether. She has her own journey to travel as most WAS do. We are D for little over a year now and she continues to emote anger when we are in a situation that may require interaction.
This is a long journey to take. Focus on improving you and not on tactics to fix the situation.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
My husband wants only be friend to me. I feel that he uses friendship as an excuse to avoid letting me know anything about him. He claimed he needs more space and privacy. Though I suspect he may have an emotional affair with OW since he was busy chatting online all the time and tried to hide. But I really don't know how to deal with it. I asked him before, he said that's not your business. And I feel I push him away further...
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
You’ve a copy of DR and are reading it, good. Read it again, and again. Another read is the 5 LLs. Do you know what his love language is? Do you know what yours are?
IMO and only MO not having enough sex or not having passionate enough sex is a smoke screen. I suspect there is more and drilling to the root cause will take effort and time.
Make this weekend an opportunity to act as if. Do your best to have a good time with the kids and do not hide the good time. Do not wave it under his nose as that will seem manipulative and likely cause problems. Rather have the good time and exude the happiness it brings.
Be the happier better choice, become the person only a fool would walk away from.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
peace, just my 2 cents worth here, but has he said anything about moving out? I just think this emotional stuff with him will get too much for you to cope with. You may have talked about this earlier, in which case I apologise in advance It must be really hard to be in the same house has someone who hasn't got that emotional attachment to you as you have to him. Juststunned, I'm so glad that you say sex is a smoke screen. I've always felt that this was the cause of our breakup even though H says it isn't. When I asked him what it was, he couldn't answer it!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Sometimes He mentioned that he want either me or himself to move out, but I don't know how serious he was. Because I said I don't want seperation, then he will say we can live under the same roof just like roommates.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
Thanks for your reply. Sorry I'm new here, what are "IMO" and "MO"?
IMO + In My Opinion MO + My Opinion
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Sometimes He mentioned that he want either me or himself to move out, but I don't know how serious he was. Because I said I don't want seperation, then he will say we can live under the same roof just like roommates.
Peace, I do feel that this will be emotionally draining for you, as I know it has been already. I realise it's hard to let them go but sometimes you have to so that they can see that the grass is not greener on the other side. I'm not saying to kick him out, that's your choice. I'm just giving you my 2 cents worth Also it may confuse the kids as well, especially if you argue in front of them. I grew up in a house where my parents didn't want to be together anymore and it was horrible for me and my sister! We used to go for a walk when our parents were arguing in the bedroom. They probably think that if they argued in the bedroom then we couldn't hear them. I remember one time my dad throwing something outside that belonged to my mum and really had a go at her. My mum used to get so worked up when my dad had a go at her that she'd faint. My mum left my dad eventually without giving a proper reason other than she'd found someone else. This left me feeling confused and wondering whether it was my fault. It was one of the worse times of my childhood!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
180, I think you're right. My friends said the same thing to me. But my biggest concerns are if I let him move out, it will hurt the kids so much; They are only 5 and 7 years old. They don't know how to adjust. So far we didn't argue in front of the kids. Secondly I still love him so much, I don't want to give up on him...
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
If you love him so much, you need to let him go. It will be hard at first, but he will only be able to come back to you once he's got space and time to work out what he wants. You've got all your friends there to support you in this and maybe some family nearby. I'm glad that you don't argue in front of the kids Your kids may love their dad very much, but if their dad wasn't there then they will adjust. Isn't that better than clinging on to what little you've got left of your H? My son has high functioning autism and although he's 19 he can't cope with change. When my H first left me, I had a terrible time with him. Eventually after a few days he accepted that his dad wasn't coming back and adapted to the new routine. He has his moments at times, but these are just teenage hormones, lol.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
