A few successful field goals and still kicking

[CharlieBrown]

Hi everyone. Been a while since I have posted, here was my latest:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...900#Post2362900

So many developments since this that I thought it better to start from scratch.

I made a decision to cut back on focusing on the R and instead try to be a great H, so that meant cutting back on posting. But, I have continued to follow many of yours, including my TSquared, RH, Linda, MTN, FY, and TVS.

[CharlieBrown]

I have held off on posting partially because things have been going much better and never got as bad as what you are all living each day. But, as I have reflected on it, I thought some of my successes might actually help, and, I 100% believe that were it not for your advice, and the wonderful MC I brought in right away, things would have gotten and would still be much worse. You were like the aspirin at hand the minute my stroke symptoms starting coming on (not a perfect simile, but you get the idea).

[CharlieBrown]

Our major breakthroughs started in June. Not in order:

She stayed in counseling, and I think became aware, both from her own experience, and from very close friends, that she needed to really take it seriously. And largely she did (and I lightened up a bit, which helped her).

We began to really commit time to each other. We have been goign on date nights at least a couple times/month and have been really talking again at home. Biggest challenge is we both have expensive tastes in food and wine, so date nights have been unsustainably expensive, but my attitude for now has been that this is cheaper, and much more fun, than a divorce, so go with it.

Before this, I was super-job focused and customarily would get home at 6:30 or 7, missing some kid activities, and not being active around the house. I was simply too exhausted. I didn't know the toll this was taking on my family and learned it the hard way. In April-June, I was living in the panicked frenzy focusing in on nothing other than fixing our marriage. This wasn't good either and my work suffered terribly. Because I run a division, this negatively impacted a lot of employees. Fortunately, I let my boss and a couple co-workers know I was going through some marriage challenges and they were understanding. Last couple months I think I have struck a good balance.

[CharlieBrown]

Another big change was her with FB. As you recall, she was obsessed/wanted an EA and had made contact with a trainer/male model in the town she wanted to move to. Once I realized this, I was obsessed with this issue and snooped often to see what was up. At some point after I confronted her twice, she stopped. At least I think she stopped because I snooped once more late June and she hadn't had any of the behaviors. Since then, I haven't snooped once and really think she has stopped. Either way, I am done snooping. Had I not confronted her though, I think this would have escalated. I don't think she knew how dangerous the water was she was swimming in until she had to discuss it, both with me and with MC. Related note, did you know that 35% of divorces have the word FB in them? Big shock...

[CharlieBrown]

The biggest significant point to me was last Saturday night. We went to our favorite restaurant on the bank of the Mississippi on a beautiful night. We got a table on the patio and just sat for 3 hours, as we have done a few times this summer. Wine + cheese platter = happy CB! Anyway, about an hour in, she took my hand and told me how happy she was now, how much better of an H I have been, how she was in such a good place. Also, that she didn't remember much about things she said in March and April, including BD. I had sunglasses on but couldn't help but cry a bit. My W is not one to verbalize her positive feelings, so this was big for her, and for me to hear this was really overpowering for me. It was a GREAT night.

[CharlieBrown]

We are not fully out of the woods yet, I know, but we are miles away from where we were a few months ago. Now, the biggest question is how to sustain our improvements and continue to build on them. Some of the improvements have been from a lower stress load. After all, we have taken a few vacations, no getting the kids up and ready for school and a summer-nanny to help, and great weather. What happens when we have endless winter, sick kids, school hassles, and I have to travel more for work? I don't know, but we are still going to counseling for a while, just going forward it will be monthly rather than weekly.

The other big issue is physical. She is happy going back to before, which is to say a SSM. She knows that isn't acceptable and has talked about it at MC, but is honest that once a month or so is fine with her. I have the attitude that I am not content anymore with mediocrity, that if we are going to go through this experience with MC, it is a chance to build a stronger, mutually-happy marriage that will strengthen us for the long-haul. But, I also know I need to be patient and considering the ground we have covered already, we will get there eventually, rushing it won't help.

[CharlieBrown]

We are not fully out of the woods yet, I know, but we are miles away from where we were a few months ago. Now, the biggest question is how to sustain our improvements and continue to build on them. Some of the improvements have been from a lower stress load. After all, we have taken a few vacations, no getting the kids up and ready for school and a summer-nanny to help, and great weather. What happens when we have endless winter, sick kids, school hassles, and I have to travel more for work? I don't know, but we are still going to counseling for a while, just going forward it will be monthly rather than weekly.

The other big issue is physical. She is happy going back to before, which is to say a SSM. She knows that isn't acceptable and has talked about it at MC, but is honest that once a month or so is fine with her. I have the attitude that I am not content anymore with mediocrity, that if we are going to go through this experience with MC, it is a chance to build a stronger, mutually-happy marriage that will strengthen us for the long-haul. But, I also know I need to be patient and considering the ground we have covered already, we will get there eventually, rushing it won't help.

[CharlieBrown]

Not sure why the bouble post, but anyway...

The other positive sign is that she now is talking about moving to a new house in our current city, or building here. After her obsession with moving, this is a huge change. Not sure I am ready to that, or it would be great for our marriage right now, but I am trying to listen and ask questions rather than just say no. That has been something I have been trying to do a lot more.

[CharlieBrown]

So, there are some thoughts and thank you again to my great friends here and you are in my prayers, even though I haven't been on here. My heart goes out to you and what you are going through and I am hopeful that more breakthroughs will be on the way for more of you.

[CharlieBrown]

Time to get back to work so I can head home and vacuum the house. We have friends coming over soon and I need to help (words that would have seldom been uttered by me prior to March..).