Just friends is OK for now

[MileHigh]

Yep. It sure can create a lot of emotional turmoil when you can get along well, but not as H and W. It's a wonderful thing when spouses are best friends, but not when that's all they are.

I'm lucky in the sense that we don't have kids, so there's a lot of that dynamic I don't have to worry about. When kids are involved, there's always going to have to be some kind of connection.

[peaceSJ]

Sandi2, thank you so much for your insights. I feel the same way that my H uses friendship as an excuse to avoid letting me know anything about him. He claimed he needs more space and privacy. Though I suspect he may have an emotional affair with OW since he was busy chatting online all the time and tried to hide. But I really don't know how to deal with it. I asked him before, he said that's not your business. And I feel I push him away further...

[peaceSJ]

Sorry, I should post my question on my thread. Here is it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2381007&#Post2381007

Sandi2 or everyone, I'd appreciate it if you can reply my question

[sandi2]

We're good friends, but I want something more. You're right when you say that good friends is better than nothing at all, but sometimes if they're being moody then it affects you more than if they weren't speaking to you, don't you think? When my H has fallen out with me it affects me probably worse than if we had just been amicable with each other.
Having said that I'd rather be friends with him than not speaking at all, especially when there's children involved.

First let me say, I understand about not fighting and not even able to look at each other. People can be friendly and conduct themselves in a civilized manner, but it doesn't mean they have to be BFF's. Of course you want to keep a certain level of friendliness for the sake of the children, but to what depth & length can you continue to carry it without it putting you in an emotional grave? If there is no future as a couple, then at some point, each person has to move forward independently. But, that is after you see the M is really over. It can end without being enemies.

This is strictly my opinion, but I believe the sooner the LBS stops trying to hang on for whatever level of whatever relationship they can get from the WAS, the sooner they stand a chance for recovery. B/c the more you cling to whatever you can get from the WAS, the more they don't desire to be "anything" with you.

I know this is hard to hear. You say you will accept friendship rather than not have him at all. To the eyes of some WAS, that can seem that you are willing to take whatever crumbs they throw your way, and I have not seen positive results come from it. Like I've stated before, it doesn't have as much to do with "love" as it does respect, when dealing with a WAS.

I know what you are saying, and I hope you get what I'm saying. I realize your pain is terrible and you can't bear the thought of not having a little thread left. ((hugs))

[TryingToDo180]

Thanks for the hug Sandi, much appreciated I do get what you're saying and When I say we're friends, it's not like a BFF at all! I am starting to lovingly detach from my H, especially when he has shown his nasty streak of late!
Being friends for me is if he comes round to pick up our son, he may stay for a chat and a coffee or he may not. We'll occasionally watch a half an hour comedy whilst he has his coffee. I leave it up to him whether he stays or not, I don't beg him to stay or force him to watch TV. He chooses what to do when he gets here. It's an amicable arrangements with no strings attached. I like to think he can come here to relax for half an hour and put his feet up. If he decides one day he wants to come back then that's great, but at the mo I'm living the reality of he doesn't want to come back anytime soon. I don't ask him about his life and if he asks me about mine I just tell him on a need to know basis
I don't see myself as clingy, I've never actually said to him let's be good friends - that's what he told me he wanted to be. He said he doesn't want to be the couple that exchange kids at the door and just exchange a few words. He doesn't come round when he wants to, only when he comes to pick our son up. Occasionally if he's working in the area he may phone and pop in for a coffee. All initiation comes from him, including phone calls. When I said I wanted more than just friends, I meant that I feel like I'm starting to detach but I would think about it if he did decide to come back. I hope that I don't appear desperate to him, I do try hard not to appear this way! I've been 180ing so I don't follow him around etc. etc. Anyway I hope that I've come across as someone who is letting go and leading her own life because that is how I'm feeling at the mo.
Oh yes and BTW I'm very rarely in when he phones to ask if he can come round for a coffee, lol.

[RosaLinda]

Just checking in on your sitch, and it sounds like things are looking up for you DMR. Thanks for dropping by my thread too

You're sounding so much stronger and happier; it's nice to hear. Have you found a new car yet?

It sounds as if you and W are bonding a lot, dinner and TV and shopping together. It's a lot better than the days of arguing over the cat and her coming over to steal your curtains. And it's great that The Contractor seems to be out of the picture. It sounds like you've really done a lot of work on yourself and are doing a great job DBing!

We're both facing the dreaded anniversary question! It's so hard to have to consider these things that normal couples take for granted. I agree that sending flowers might be too pursuing, but am not at all sure that your new approach "No plotting or planning. I'll let the anniversary roll by unless she brings it up." is right either. Since you have been going out to dinner already, I don't see anything wrong with inviting her to that restaurant she had expressed an interest in. A simple sweet card, not too sappy. A single flower? 

I know I will be devastated if I do not hear from my H on our anniversary but think in my case I should follow your "let it roll by" scenario. I WAS considering mailing him a sappy anniversary card to the Russian Tramp's flat, but that would be for the sheer pleasure of annoying her! If I could be 100% certain she'd burn it instead of giving it to him, I'd love to write a bunch of crap about our enduring love and amazing hot (non-existant ) sex life. Ah, pipe dreams!

You mentioned your W telling you she was starved for affection over the years. Have you tried taking one of those online quizes to determine her love language DMR? I recently did and learned my H's LL is acts of service. I had never heard of such a thing! I always thought it was nice that he does little things for me all the time, but felt unloved because he didn't like to hold my hand, snuggle, do all the physical touchy things I like. I didn't see that was his way of showing love. It sounds like your W's LL might be physical touch too. What do you think?

[MileHigh]

Just checking in on your sitch, and it sounds like things are looking up for you DMR. Thanks for dropping by my thread too

You're sounding so much stronger and happier; it's nice to hear. Have you found a new car yet?

No... I've been enjoying my walking/bike riding/Amazon shopping. But I need to do that. Maybe there's a Labor Day car sale I can take advantage of!

It sounds as if you and W are bonding a lot, dinner and TV and shopping together. It's a lot better than the days of arguing over the cat and her coming over to steal your curtains. And it's great that The Contractor seems to be out of the picture. It sounds like you've really done a lot of work on yourself and are doing a great job DBing!

Yep. Much better, on both counts. For us and for me. She picked out a movie she thought I'd like and brought it over to watch last night. She took "Crazy, Stupid, Love" out on Netflix and said she'd let me know what she thinks of it." She tried really hard to put the TV stand we bought last week together, but had a problem, so she brought it over for me to have a look and we swapped it with the lightweight one we had here. More evidence of her trying to be independent (if not handy with tools), but more importantly, no help from The Contractor.

We're both facing the dreaded anniversary question! It's so hard to have to consider these things that normal couples take for granted. I agree that sending flowers might be too pursuing, but am not at all sure that your new approach "No plotting or planning. I'll let the anniversary roll by unless she brings it up." is right either. Since you have been going out to dinner already, I don't see anything wrong with inviting her to that restaurant she had expressed an interest in. A simple sweet card, not too sappy. A single flower? 

Yeah. I always do that on here, when I get advice from people, esp. those as wise as Sandi. What I should have said is I'm considering that option. I realize they can't see the nuances of everyone's sitch, and it's so easy to get jaded from seeing the same mistakes over and over on the boards. I may invite her to dinner on Sunday, since Monday night will be more stressful, without mentioning A. She'll know. That let's me acknowledge it, but give her a safe out if she needs it. I can use how that goes as a barometer of whether I should send a small, non-dramatic flower arrangement. There's always something available for next day delivery from flower shops.

I know I will be devastated if I do not hear from my H on our anniversary but think in my case I should follow your "let it roll by" scenario. I WAS considering mailing him a sappy anniversary card to the Russian Tramp's flat, but that would be for the sheer pleasure of annoying her! If I could be 100% certain she'd burn it instead of giving it to him, I'd love to write a bunch of crap about our enduring love and amazing hot (non-existant ) sex life. Ah, pipe dreams!

That would be something! Love you can still have a sense of humor! I know I really had a hard time controlling my urge for revenge. There were soooo many options. In my case, I was much more able to be empathetic, though. I know how much my W was needing that attention and affection.

You mentioned your W telling you she was starved for affection over the years. Have you tried taking one of those online quizes to determine her love language DMR? I recently did and learned my H's LL is acts of service. I had never heard of such a thing! I always thought it was nice that he does little things for me all the time, but felt unloved because he didn't like to hold my hand, snuggle, do all the physical touchy things I like. I didn't see that was his way of showing love. It sounds like your W's LL might be physical touch too. What do you think?

I should do that. Started to a week or so ago, but it was late and I didn't feel like signing up on the 5LL site. I did have that book for a short while after we reconciled before, but let it fall by the wayside. I think you may be right. Also, I know she needs to hear it. She LOVES to be told that I appreciate something she did for me, that I think she's pretty, that I want to do something with her, because it's with her, not just because it's something to do. And I am, like so many men, always convinced that she should see what I do and know what I mean, without me having to use all those pesky words.

[MileHigh]

I've been AWOL for a couple days. Not much new. Usual amount of contact and activities with W. Getting a lot of practice keeping my cool when she is not doing so - but not about me, so that's good. She's been very tired from being sick and on antibiotics, and it's a good 30 minutes drive over here (and she hates driving, esp. at night) so I haven't been seeing her at her best. Still, it has really been good practice for me.

Still the go-to guy when she needs help. That can be good and bad.

I get the impression she might think that buying that house was a mistake because her hometown is just going downhill (like so many Eastern US mill towns that haven't got a big tourist industry or some other means of reinventing themselves). She's down about that, and not too comfortable with the crime rate.

Maybe we should sell both these places and NEVER buy a house again. Maybe we were just not meant to settle down. We certainly haven't succeeded. I've never lived anywhere for more than 7 yrs in my entire life.

But, I digress....

[TryingToDo180]

Sounds like you're a bit down at the mo with the houses. What about building a house from scratch out in the country? lol. Bet you've not done that before I'd get one of these TV programmes involved as well. We get some of your programmes over here in the UK, I've just forgotton the name of it now
Anyway, I'm just playing with you
Glad you're still the go-to guy when she needs help I try to get my H to help me with DIY jobs around the house, he keeps saying yes he will but never follows it through! I was thinking of exchanging jobs for breakfast as he helps himself anyway, lol.

[MileHigh]

I live for the DIY shows! :-) My problem is I just love restoring old houses, but on the other hand, I'd also like to build one from scratch and have it all done exactly how I want it. Thanks to loads of debt and advancing age, I don't think I want to take on any more mortgages that will outlive me!

Thanks for the levity! I appreciate it. I better stop before his becomes a DIY forum. LOL.