The friendship route can work, but yes, it can be tricky. The reason being the she simply wants you as a friend with no strings attached. I gathered you finally stopped with the begging, pleading, and pushing when you saw it didn't work and now hope to win her back by being her friend? The problem is that you want to be more than her friend, and you are already wondering when you can start "pushing" for more.
If won't go well if you do. If it doesn't run her off, it will put up her guard much higher and she will feel that being friends is not what you had in mind at all. And she would be right.
The best a LBS can do in the friends stitch is to hope she will fall in love with you all over again. But it will have to be without you planning and plotting for when you can expect more from her. When she says "just friends" to the man she was going to D, that is exactly what she means. Friends with no benefits!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeah, and I am pretty fine with that really. Just had too much of the IC and maybe one other person who knows about us and the two times we've been trough this. People who don't understand DBing often seem to think that there's no reason we shouldn't just be able to go right into living together again and being back on track, or at least talking about those feelings (counselors). My fear was that when she's showing strong signals of being more comfortable here than at the other place, that she's going to think I don't even care because I'm just happy to hang out and watch a movie or whatever. But... just speculating. No plotting or planning. I'll let the anniversary roll by unless she brings it up.
That's why I sounded it out here first. The real me has been carrying on just like I have been for the last few weeks. The begging/pleading/yada yada stopped weeks ago. Not a peep about R from me since before she said she needed me as a friend and started contacting me and planning things to do together.
Of course I do hope to win her back - by being a better me. Otherwise, I'd just move on.
One thing I've noticed, is now that enough time has passed and the fog of depression has lifted, I can really enjoy the Me Time. I just need more hours in the day to exercise, read, think, meditate, get chores done, watch TV. Oh, and sleep. :-)
I am new here, and I think I have the similar situation. But I agree with sandi2. Being friend is tricky. My H said the same thing to me. He just wants us to be friends now. But he also claimed:"You think yourself much much more than a friend; It's not realistic." I can tell that feeling made him uncomfortable and even pushed him way further. We still live in a same house, honestly I am not sure how to deal with "just being friends" situation...
But Mielhigh, it is good that you are enjoying your time more. I'm working toward that too...
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
Believe me, I spent a few weeks decidedly not enjoying it. Alternating between sleeplessness and sleeping the day away. Not being able to focus on work. Barely eating (although the DB diet was good for the waistline - small silver lining). Basically, depressed!
Hang in there. Time is indeed your friend, but it's like one of those friends you don't really trust at first, until they've proven themselves. :-)
. My fear was that when she's showing strong signals of being more comfortable here than at the other place, that she's going to think I don't even care because I'm just happy to hang out and watch a movie or whatever
Do you mean b/c you aren't pursuing, she may think you don't care?
I hear a lot of LBH'S say this, but I can't think of a case where it was true. You see, when or if she is ready for it to become more than a friendship, then she will be the one to pursue you. The biggest problem I have read about is what I've already stated about the limbo. She may be satisfied to live with you as friends for now on. Or she may feel she should be able to see other men while living under the same roof with you.
If you can't handle those possibilities, and she starts talking about coming back to your place to live, you would need to state your personal boundaries about living in the same house. I've read where some women act as if they should be able to date, since she and H are just friends. But the H is flipping out b/c he never meant it to be like that.
That's why I say that WAS's version of "friends" can be quite differently from the LBS. And especially when the offer of "just friends" follows the crying & begging of the LBS. The LBS sees it as the last thread to hold to, while the WAS just wants some peace but may not trust the intentions of LBS. Make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, you're so right. I see "friendship" as the last thread, but my H sees it in a different way. He declared since we're just friends, we shouldn't ask each other's things. He can do whatever he wants and don't bother to tell me. He online chatted a lot,even at home. I think he is emotionally attached to OW. But He does not care my feeling and our kids' feelings. Sandi2, what kind of boundry should I set? We're still living under the same roof. Mile, I experienced the same pain as you did... Let's try to be stronger...
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I honestly don't think my W wants to just be friends ongoing. I don't think she wants to see other people, either. I think she made the same mistake as before, thinking she'd find everything better with someone new, a specific person who happened along at the right time (just like in the romantic stories). That she wasn't actively seeking someone or just hoping for someone in general. Then she felt that she made a mistake. But she had put so much into the separation that she can't just reverse course. And, there's the fact that she's probably very unsure if it wouldn't be a mistake for us to try again. I get that. She needs the time and the separation for herself. She's going to have to see real, ongoing changes from me, if she's going to be able to accept that it can change. If things don't change, it would certainly be a mistake - more of the same would just mean another failure down the road. I don't want that either.
I'm not basing my opinion on wishful thinking. It's based on the things she's saying when she texts me every day, the way she acts when she's here. We have never been direct communicators. We send signals, not-so-subtle references to things in books, movies, etc. There are some things I haven't posted here in great detail. I'm not sure I could expound on them and do them justice. In 20+ years, it hasn't all been miscommunication between us. I have observed the patterns in her behavior/communication style, not only with me, but with her long missing father, not-so-supportive step-dad, and verbally abusive alcoholic mother. There are patterns and unspoken messages that I perceive very strongly.
I suppose at some point D or R will have to come up - but I'm willing to let it wait until she brings it up. The paperwork was started. Either it has to be dropped or continued. I know some people live like that for years. My brother has a pretty volatile relationship with estranged W, but they simply don't bother to D for financial reasons. Both see other people - his OW is married and won't divorce for religious reasons (but adultery is ok. Don't ask....).
So, on it goes. Staying the course.
My friend-W is coming over tonight with some food and a movie on DVD. :-)
Hi Milehigh, I thought I'd pop over to see you on your thread. At one time H said he wanted a D. Paperwork wasn't started and I've not seen anything from his solicitor. I think like you he can't afford to start the D proceedings, but he's not said anything. I've not mentioned anything about it either and I don't intend to! He hasn't told me that he's not been to the solicitors, he probably wants me to think that he's D me! Me and my H are in the same position. We're good friends, but I want something more. You're right when you say that good friends is better than nothing at all, but sometimes if they're being moody then it affects you more than if they weren't speaking to you, don't you think? When my H has fallen out with me it affects me probably worse than if we had just been amicable with each other. Having said that I'd rather be friends with him than not speaking at all, especially when there's children involved.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
IMO, when a couple is living under the same roof, the issue must be about respect, not friendship. B/c the WAS will use the excuse that being just friends does not give you rights to their personal business (like having an A) or can tell them anything. In other words, they abuse the whole idea of being friends.
You deserve a position that is higher than just being a friend. After all, that is what M is all about. It just includes the two people in a relationship that is set apart from friendship.
Trying to live under the same roof while one is having an active A, is not always healthy for either of them, but especially the LBS. Some people can take advantage of the time, while under the same roof, to show the WAS what an awesome person you are. I think it works better for the LBW than the LBH, simply b/c of our roles in the M and due to how we're wired.
Women have to respect their H before she can feel the desire of love. Men need to feel admired and respected by women, but especially by their own W. This has to come first.
Neither woman or man has it easy when they are the LBS.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
