Oop locked out of my old thread "Seize the day"...will link later.
Here's my update for today! It's a big ONE!
Hey, good news from the MC!
MC reported that H said last week was good because (1) it was more relaxed, (2) I was not pushing, (3) admits I'm different, (4) didn't feel pressured.
Yet h feels like this new Cindy is not going to last, feels as though my behavior was not authentic, feel I was saying things he wanted to hear not how I really felt. H said that in the past things have appeared to get better for a time but then we would fall into the same old habits.
MC asked h if he had done his homework which was to focus on the positive, make note of any and all changes no matter how small and make note of who made it happen. MC also asked h who was responsible for the 'good week' we had....h said cindy. MC said was it only cindy...h said well maybe I had something to do with it. Then when MC asked h if he was trying to reinforce the positive changes...he said (1) he that maybe he had not been trying, (2) he may not be giving me enough credit, and (3) he may have not been fully committed to the marriage.
The MC feels these 3 declarations show a shift in h's view of who is responsible. MC says that my pulling back has caused more of the r responsibility to fall on h.
MC encouraged me to set boundaries for the r. Not what Jeff needs to do but what I will be doing. These boundaries will help put Jeff more into having responsibility for what he's doing and saying that is effecting the negative/positive aspects of our r. MC said that the pressure I'm putting on h is causing him to feel as though the choice is being crammed down his throat, that I'm taking away his right to choose. Setting boundaries will show Jeff what it is he needs to do to have an r with me...thus giving him a choice.
I think I focused most on this past week was being nice. Also I tried really hard to see h as hurt, afraid, needing a friend. I expected and assumed nothing.
MC says that the more I go into the r expecting nothing the more responsibility Jeff will assume in turning it around to get better.
I think this is real positive for our r. I've got my work cut out for me this week setting boundaries. I'm scared but the MC said to trust his judgment here...we are going to pull h down off that ambivalent fence! The choice will become his as to whether or not he wants an r for real, to come out of hiding!
I'm surprised at how hard it is to be nice to h. Why is it that when we get married it seems we come up with all kinds of horrible ways to talk and behave....like cause the person is married to us we can do whatever? I mean I wouldn't treat my mom the way I sometimes treat my h....like he has no feelings at all! I'm not saying my h is totally right nor am I totally wrong but just playing nice when you are both hurting does a lot for the r.
It's so hard to be nice though cause I'm so hurt. But you are right it's working so I'll keep doing it.
I pray to God for strength to keep being nice...every evening, every morning. Cause it does require divine assistance to be nice in the face of your s who seems not to care.
Today I'm struggling to NOT go off on h. He said the weekend was good but I could not tell he was having a good time! He scowled the entire time! Or rolled his eyes. He's just so hard on me that my feelings are hurt. I want to yell at him.
I just feel as though I'm being treated so unfairly. I know, I know need to be patient, that my needs will be met eventually....especially since h now sees he's not been really trying.
It's so hard to wait and be loving and not even get a smile from him when I'm trying so hard!
Quote: It's so hard to wait and be loving and not even get a smile from him when I'm trying so hard!
YES, it is... and yes, it is a test. And yes, you want the test over, NOW. Be patient, Cindy... you are doing well. Just remember... for the greater good.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Change your expectations. You are expecting him to show he's having a good time. Just because he doesn't show doesn't mean he's not having a good time.
Look at the positive. He had a good time. That means he'll want to spend more weekends with you. This is what you want.
You want better reactions out of him, but that takes time. Keep him wanting to spend time with you, and he'll start to show he's having a good time, and then you'll have it all!! If you had to pick one, which would you choose? Him faking he's having a good time, or him having a good time but looking grumpy?
BTW, one big corner I turned was when I stopped getting bothered by my X's antics, and starting laughing at them. When she could no longer get under my skin, she was easier for me to deal with.
Quote: MC reported that last week was good because H said it was MORE RELAXED..I was NOT PUSHING..admits I"M DIFFERENT..HE DIDN"T FEEL PRESSURED..
Hmmm, now where have you heard that if you do those things, you might see things turn in your favor somewhat??.. Nobody likes pressure or the thought of having anything "crammed down their throats". Thats why I always say the most important thing you can do is take off the PRESSURE and you'll be surprised at what happens..
Quote: Its so hard to wait and be loving and not even get a smile from him when I'm trying so hard"
I'd recommend you tone it down a notch on the "trying so hard". When you make it too painfully clear to him that your sole purpose appears to be showering him with love and affection, naturally, he'll be guarded a little bit, because its human nature for him to think you're doing it to save the M, since he wasn't accustomed to that type of unwavering behavior when you were together. He's just a little shy and probably needs to see more consistency. But as they say, too much of a good thing can actually be a bit of a turn off, men like a woman who is affectionate, but also plays a little hard to get and is confident in herself, rather than too lovey dovey. Finding the proper balance and/or mixing things up a little bit, may just make him WANT to pursue you a little more than what you're getting right now.
Keep up the non pressuring end of things, he appears to be feeling more comfortable around you, and thats good news. Doesn't means he's head over heels in love, but he senses you're changing and he's apparently thinking about things, and he's willing to go with the Cindy flow for now, which for him seems to be a 180..
You know, I think I was just not getting how my behavior was pressuring. I honestly thought I was NOT pressuring him.
But my MC pointed out that my way of talking or verbalizing to him my wants was pressuring him. Not that I had a lot of wants verbalized but just by merely asking him to go out somewhere was pressure or saying ILY made him feel he needed to respond in some way.
Since the MC is encouraging me to set boundaries, we are hoping that this will pressure h in a good way to take responsibility for how the r goes.
I'm hoping this type of pressure will be good not send h running away.
But then if it does send him running, then he can't respect my boundaries and needs to go.
Nobody likes pressure or the thought of having anything "crammed down their throats". Thats why I always say the most important thing you can do is take off the PRESSURE and you'll be surprised at what happens..