Newbie: Quick Assessments of my SIT?

[sandi2]

Whizzed, what are the ages of you and W? Have either of you been M before?

This silent decade in the M, was this something that grew worse with time as the R died, or did it happen all at once? You hint that something occurred to cause it.

There has to be something that keeps the two of you together. What did you get out of staying in a dead M? What did she get from it? Dr. Phil says people get some kind of payoff, or they would continue doing it. It may have been too expensive to separate, or whatever, but for some reason the two of you have spent a miserable decade under the same roof. Why?

2/12 had first real convo about whether to end or try. I said yes. She said no longer love long time; revealed "feelings for someone else."

Who initiated the conversation? A man usually wakes up when he gets the news that W is interested in someone else. So, was she the one who brought up the MR?

I recommend you do some research on the Internet about EA's and something called PEAS. If you aren't familiar with it, it could enlighten you as to why your W bounces back & forth with OM.

It is really hard to revive a dead marriage. It's much easier to start a new R than revive the old one. MWD says to start with a beginner's mind toward your MR. It's not easy to do when there have been so many years estranged, and especially if both of you are willing to put everything into starting over. Whatever it takes.

You each will have plenty of challenges, but they may not be the same. A part of her may know that she's chasing a dream in this "doctor", but it is feels really good to her ego...and she doesn't seem to have the strength to end everything (emails, phone numbers, etc., that supply contact information) b/c her emotional part wants to hold on to the fantasy.

I hope you will read up on it, b/c you need to understand what she's dealing with (and what you're dealing with). You may look up some of posts from Starsky to get a better idea of your part and what to do.

It takes a long time, and it's probably the hardest thing you've ever done to get through to the other side. However, your M can survive this and you & W can have a real R with each other.