Oop locked out of my old thread "Seize the day"...will link later.
Here's my update for today! It's a big ONE!
Hey, good news from the MC!
MC reported that H said last week was good because (1) it was more relaxed, (2) I was not pushing, (3) admits I'm different, (4) didn't feel pressured.
Yet h feels like this new Cindy is not going to last, feels as though my behavior was not authentic, feel I was saying things he wanted to hear not how I really felt. H said that in the past things have appeared to get better for a time but then we would fall into the same old habits.
MC asked h if he had done his homework which was to focus on the positive, make note of any and all changes no matter how small and make note of who made it happen. MC also asked h who was responsible for the 'good week' we had....h said cindy. MC said was it only cindy...h said well maybe I had something to do with it. Then when MC asked h if he was trying to reinforce the positive changes...he said (1) he that maybe he had not been trying, (2) he may not be giving me enough credit, and (3) he may have not been fully committed to the marriage.
The MC feels these 3 declarations show a shift in h's view of who is responsible. MC says that my pulling back has caused more of the r responsibility to fall on h.
MC encouraged me to set boundaries for the r. Not what Jeff needs to do but what I will be doing. These boundaries will help put Jeff more into having responsibility for what he's doing and saying that is effecting the negative/positive aspects of our r. MC said that the pressure I'm putting on h is causing him to feel as though the choice is being crammed down his throat, that I'm taking away his right to choose. Setting boundaries will show Jeff what it is he needs to do to have an r with me...thus giving him a choice.
I think I focused most on this past week was being nice. Also I tried really hard to see h as hurt, afraid, needing a friend. I expected and assumed nothing.
MC says that the more I go into the r expecting nothing the more responsibility Jeff will assume in turning it around to get better.
I think this is real positive for our r. I've got my work cut out for me this week setting boundaries. I'm scared but the MC said to trust his judgment here...we are going to pull h down off that ambivalent fence! The choice will become his as to whether or not he wants an r for real, to come out of hiding!
