What I had explained earlier was we were both doing it. She actually would pull scissors or other things on me when she was frustrated as if to stab me. I would usually say "seriously?" and she would put them down and not acknowledge it. She has also thrown things at me, etc, and she has a tendency to blow her stack and start screaming at me about this, or that.
It doesn't excuse what I did, but we were both doing it to each other. I'm trying to take care of it now, realize I screwed up, etc.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
You stop what you do that's wrong. No excuses. And be more forceful than "seriously" when she does it. Take that stuff dead serious, because it is. Call it for the threat that it is and walk away from her. Geez, she pulls that crap on anyone but you they might call the police, or if a child, be permanently traumatized. But that is separate 100% from your decision about your own words and behavior.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
About your friends, if they truly think what goes on with you and your W is normal, you do need to get new friends.
We sometimes choose friends because they won't challenge us or who will think our behavior is OK. I can't think of a single person in my life right now who wouldn't express concern over what you've described.
Maybe your first GAL is to work on finding some new friends. It's good that you're seeing an IC. Have you looked into any kind of recovery groups?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's actually funny, because I was telling my best friend how I needed to look into what I did wrong instead of putting it all on her, and he actually called up some of his ex-girlfriends afterward and talked to them about himself.
He said he realized he is kind of an ass.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
So last night I was talking to another friend of mine who told me that a few weeks ago my W approached him looking for sympathy and claiming that she didn't cheat on me and saying how I had told her I wanted her to take a polygraph, etc (I told her I wanted her to take a polygraph after first finding out about Ea to see if it had gone physical but after a week dropped it since I realized it sounded crazy). My W had actually complained to me a few weeks ago that this same friend had refused to talk to her and gave her the cold shoulder.
I also went to our old MC last night who told me that his opinion of my W from meeting with us together was she was making a very rash decision, and she tended to minimize her problems and avoid blame, and for someone her age her parents played too big of a role in her decisions. He said she didn't seem emotionally mature.
I texted my W this morning telling her that I found out she and my friend had talked, and that she had tried to turn him against me and also lied to me about him ignoring me. I also texted her saying I thought she was good at actually doing things but didn't really consider what it was she was doing and didn't really know who she was as a person.
We then started arguing via text with her telling me she thought I threatened/ignored/controlled her in our relationship. She also said I never liked her family, and I pointed out when we started dating all she would do was complain about how they were abusive to her, etc. I told her she had problems she was running away from. She then said how I made her feel worthless, and said that my previous comments about me dealing with my anger/criticism issues were lies. I told her I didn't appreciate being screamed at and ambushed with a divorce.
I told her I was working on myself and my problems, and said if she was going to work on her own problems it was on her.
She said that she was working on her problems by A. Moving out; and B. Taking anti-depressant/anxiety meds and figuring out her depression "without being influenced" by others.
I don't know. I felt like this was like our relationship and we would disagree and I would get annoyed with her and come across harsh on issues. The counselor said I could work on managing my anger and coming across in a nicer way when I talk. I don't even see myself doing it most of the time when I am in the moment.
I don't know. The D paperwork on her end is done and being sent to me.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I texted my W this morning telling her that I found out she and my friend had talked, and that she had tried to turn him against me and also lied to me about him ignoring me. I also texted her saying I thought she was good at actually doing things but didn't really consider what it was she was doing and didn't really know who she was as a person.
Why did you feel the need to do this? Seems like you would have known that it would just lead to an argument with no positive outcome. You should always have time to think before texting.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I texted her back and said I guess it made sense why she was so upset Sunday night and sorry for bringing it up.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
It has been a week since my wife met me in a grocery store parking lot and told me she wanted a divorce and did not want to talk about the marriage. Since then her anger seems to have cooled down but her mind seems made up still about us ending this and she has completed the divorce paperwork on her end and is having it sent to me.
I didn't think the pain I felt Saturday would ever go away, and I couldn't sleep or eat for the first two days. I am back on the horse now. I decided to keep going to my night classes and also to keep going to our original MC, who has said he wants to work with me to help me find myself and deal with anger.
I feel like this detaching process is moving faster than I expected, but I still go back and forth between missing her and realizing that our relationship was unhealthy and could not go on like it was. We both had anger issues and we were living separate lives in a lot of ways with little communication (but good sex).
She will provide one word replies to my text messages, but does not want to get into a conversation. I figure for the next few weeks while I review the D paperwork and sign it I won't communicate much except for issues related to the D. Once it's over, I will just go NC and wait to see if I ever hear from her. I have no idea if she has someone else lined up (she had an EA that I caught a little over a month ago), or what will happen.
My friends have told me there is 100% chance she will try to get back together with me in the next few months.
All I can do is try to live my life and move on.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Yes. So STOP initiating contact by texting and calling her - that's you being needy and unattractive. Act like this situation doesn't affect you in any way at all. You are calm, cool, and collected at all times, and SHE'S the one missing out on YOU. You are an emotional rock.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
