Eating Popcorn on a Rollercoaster

[RealityTrip]

Ya know... I began this whole journey in LRT... when my W asked for "space" and moved in with her brother (code for dated AP freely.) Going back and reading my threads it was successful. She followed me. All the way back home for weeks at a time. And then I became dim instead of dark trying to connect with her. But it wasn't ultimately successful it seems as 5 1/2 weeks ago she moved in with AP.

Last night she emailed me about one of my favorite muscial artist that will be playing a concert here in November. I just responded thanks. Then the convo was started and I expressed myself. I don't want to call it a backslide because I don't even know if it was a negative thing to get this off of my chest. But I did. I said what I meant and I called her out. (this was via email back and forth. I had the last email... she still hasn't responded and me?... I think I'm ok.

M: "When you said you were going to her brother's it caught me off guard. First because you are going at all and second because you said "we". "We" used to mean me. I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to me. You are spending time with her family for the holiday. That doesn't seem like the actions of someone who is unhappy and still planning on leaving her in another week. All you've done is switch our roles... mine and hers. You're hurting me W. I can't allow that anymore."

Like I said... no response to that last email. It was late. Who knows... her AP might have snooped on her again. But I said it. It felt good to say it.

Then I started to beat myself up for saying it. Only because she didn't respond... I think. But then, I don't care. Of all the things I've ever wanted to say and didn't? So this one slipped out and was delivered. It kind of made me feel more in control of taking care of me. Sometimes spending so much time paving the "smooth" road home for her I can feel a bit like a doormat here and there. And yesterday when she went from tears and "I miss you" on the phone with me alone to "WE've had a good day and WE are going to her brothers for the holiday"... I just had it.