One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[T1000]

I think there is a misunderstanding of what is happening.

S3's actual birthday is on Wednesday in 5 days time.
I'm throwing a party at my M's house tomorrow (Saturday) for S3 and some other kids and also giving him his presents.

On Wednesday I will hopefully get to see S3 for a few hours in the afternoon just me and him.

I text W earlier to ask where I was picking up the kids. She replied at her parents. So at least I know I'm getting them this weekend.

I just wanted to know generally if at any time in the future I am dropping off or picking up the kids and OM happens to be there. How should I be?
Is he nothing to me or do I put on a I don't care whats happening attitude.

---------------------------------

Spent 5 hours building them a climbing frame last night, can't wait to see there faces later!

[labug]

It's good you found something to do that made you happy and will make the kids happy.

How do you think you should act toward this man within the bounds of being the person you want to be?

[AnotherStander]

I just wanted to know generally if at any time in the future I am dropping off or picking up the kids and OM happens to be there. How should I be?
Is he nothing to me or do I put on a I don't care whats happening attitude.

My sitch is a little different because I was acquainted with OM back when he was married, but I keep tripping across him and I do just act like I don't care. I shake his hand and say "hello", but I don't try to buddy up to him or ask any questions about what the hell he's doing at W's house, LOL!

[Fartiltre]

T,

Spent 5 hours building them a climbing frame last night, can't wait to see there faces later

This is great! Reactions?


…and what about those pictures of W? Gone?


F

[T1000]

T,

Spent 5 hours building them a climbing frame last night, can't wait to see there faces later

This is great! Reactions?


…and what about those pictures of W? Gone?


F

They loved it! When I told S1 to come in for bed he threw himself on the floor in a angry rage because he wanted to stay out.

The usual 2 hour 40 minute round trip to pick up kids took 5 hours due to all sorts of hold ups so we got back quite late so not much time to let them play.

I told W I was running late with traffic.
When I was within minutes of picking up kids W tried was phoning me 4 times then sent me 3-4 messages with "Where the hell are you?" I didn't care for the tone so I ignored them.

I removed the picture from the top of the stairs that looks at me every time. I measured all the frames today, going to chose pics over the weekend and print them out on Monday.

Thanks for checking in F!

[Fartiltre]

When I told S1 to come in for bed he threw himself on the floor in a angry rage because he wanted to stay out.

Sound like top-evaluation – great!

IMO:
When you have done the pics and hopefully like it (I know you will) then take the grand tour around your home with paper and pencil. Make yourself a list of things you would like to change.
Prioritize them due to time, money and importance and then get to work! (The best things I have done took me second and didn’t cost anything! Getting rid of a vase or some nips and then replacing it with something from a box I stuffed away in the garage because W didn’t like the things!)

If we are alike you will enjoy the work but the results even more. This is not just about getting her out of the house it much more about getting you in. Kind of like all the rest we are doing – focusing! IMO that focus is hard to keep if we spend our freetime in a frame designed by W, with pictures of her, her stuff and so on!
You have taken control of you so long ago – now spread it around your home – make it yours and the boy’s with what you’ve got! – just like the frame you’ve just build.

All the best!

F

[sandi2]

I shake his hand and say "hello

You don't think that's taking it a little far, to shake his hand?

Well T, I guess you could always have the "she's all yours" attitude if you see OM. I sure would not give either of them pleasure of seeing it eat at you by trying to glare him down. But neither do I think you should be friendly to him, since he "is" the OM in your M.

Yes, I misunderstood about the party. Glad to hear it. You sure are putting in long hours going back and forth. When do you have to take them home?

[planet]

I wouldn't shake his hand. Ever.
In my case, OM was my W's client. We even went on a holiday abroad. Can't say i know him that well though.
W was pretty much pissed off when i hardly acknowledge him after BD. A nod is pretty much what i could muster. W thinks i should be nice and welcoming. Can't be nice to someone who can't even look you in the eyes, right?

[lovethehub]

To answer your question, look at the first paragraph I quoted from your last thread. By definition, you are letting HER determine your actions. Just be the man you want to be. Her behavior shouldn't affect that at all.

This reminds me of a conversation I recently had with my D. She is fighting with a friend and they got other people involved and were ganging up on each other and texting terrible things back and forth. I said to her "You need to decide if this is the kind of person that you want to be. I am sure it isn't, so you have to decide that you will not be that person. Every time a situation like this comes up in life, you need to make that decision again" I explained to her that I didn't mean to make a choice each time and be a different person in each situation, I mean decide you aren't going to be that person and when faced with a difficult decision, decide AGAIN you aren't going to be that person and act accordingly.

I don't plan on having them every weekend. When I have them every weekend my life tends to go nowhere. I work all week and have the kids at the weekend then I work all week again.
I wish this wasn't the case. Maybe in time I will find it isn't but right now I need some freedom to be me.
Other than a verbal agreement with W this would cost money to set up that I don't have right now.

It's okay to have time without them, it will make you a better F if you have some time to relax, recharge and have fun. Let a little time pass and then get something, IN WRITING (use email), about your agreement. I would be sure to include that she does half of the driving.

Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

Please don't date yet. I know it is tempting, esp after all you have been through but you really need to be healthy before you take this step. Even if you tell yourself you aren't looking for an R, you know how those things happen. What do you want for future R's? If you don't take this time to get yourself to where you want to be and heal from this experience it will hurt you in the future. When I met H, I was looking for a "Tuesday night", someone to go out with once a week, have fun, don't talk in between, don't call for no reason, etc. 6 months later we were living together...and look what we went through. I didn't do any work on myself between any R, ever. I never stopped to think about why they didn't work and what I needed to change. You must do this.

I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

T, if you sold, is there a place in between where you and w live that you could move? You do so much driving and it eats up a lot of time in your life. If not, is it possible to look for another job (unless you love yours) to go somewhere closer? Just wondering.

Also, before wrapping debt into your mortgage (been there, done that, bad idea), check out a book called Financial Peace, be sure to google the author and learn about him. Get financially healthy, too!

I think if I had played it differently in early August we would together but not in a healed way. She isn't/wasn't ready that's very obvious now. I was too eager or blind to see it.

You can second guess yourself to death here. Like you said, you definitely wouldn't have a good R and, honestly, I don't think things would have been much different. She is not ready, is in a very selfish stage (or maybe she is always this selfish) and she knows exactly what to say and do to get you to come back. She sounds extremely manipulative.

As for bipolar, don't be surprised if she gets the diagnosis because it is handed out freely, although from all you have said I would be shocked if she truly is.

GAL, I know you have said it is hard in your area. It doesn't have to be in a real social place, or with a whole bunch of people. That's fun, great if you can do it (at least sometimes) but it doesn't sound like that is going on where you live. Can you start hiking? Biking? Maybe find one or two people who want to do it with you? Find bands to go listen to in bars not too far away? Maybe a golf league in the spring? A baseball team?

Great job on the climbing structure dad..you are right T, you are going to be fine.

[T1000]

It's good you found something to do that made you happy and will make the kids happy.

How do you think you should act toward this man within the bounds of being the person you want to be?

Rise above it but also realize who and what he is.
Attacking him in any way physically or mentally would only have very short term positive effects for myself.
Shaking his hand and being nice/neighbourly would be giving him respect I don't feel he deserves.
To him he is going out with a women he met that isn't part of a marriage anymore, to a certain extent he isn't doing anything wrong.
That doesn't change how I feel though.

I won't be overly rude but I won't be acknowledging him anytime soon unless he is in my way or asks me something I feel deserves an answer.