Lifestyle changes

[MrBond]

"My conclusion is that you have a distorted view of boundaries."

I think you missed the point. I wasn't talking about boundaries. I was talking about forgiveness. Forgiveness which a church usually teaches. The boundary is your own personal one.

"Setting up a legitimate boundary has nothing to do with anger, or forgiveness. You're criticism of me is unwarranted."

Also, wrong. I didn't "criticize" you. I said you had the opportunity to be the bigger man in all this. It's your choice to do it or not. No one said you had to.

"My W is being asked to leave the church because she has rejected the teachings of the church."

And yet she still wanted to go. FWIW, you can believe it or not, something inside her may be telling her it's wrong and so she's still seeking answers. I've seen that in so many people going through this. But again, it's just my two cents.

"She has abandoned her marriage, and she has made her attendance there untenable. For some reason, you want to make this about me."

Not really. You made this about you. You brought it up to the church. I get it. I understand the hurt, the anger the blow to the pride. I get all that.

"The reality is that this is her choice and it carries with it natural consequences."

True but I don't think you see that this is a consequence that you are causing. It's not "natural". A natural consequence is if your kids start having problems or if you lose your home, etc.

"When you behave in ways that destroy a relationship, the result is separation."

Not all the time.

"This is what is happening with my W and I, my W and the church, and ultimately, my W and God."

Yes this is HER journey. But you pushed the church issue. In a way it's a form of control over her by you.

"My W needs to make changes to repair those relationships, not me."

Yes she does. But you have a choice to not break those relationships that she does have.

"Somehow, you believe that there is something noble about subjecting myself to the emotional pain of seeing my W at church. You want me to deny that my feelings are real or legitimate."

Of course not. But see how you said it was all your W's fault for causing all this and it has nothing to do with you, yet in the same post you talk about how you were hurt, etc.

Again, I get it. Hell all of us do.

"Or, maybe you think I have some kind of switch I can turn to just stop feeling the way I do. I have no idea why you believe this."

Believe it or not, you do. It's called choice. I went through the same problems as you, although it was with my W and work. I had a choice to have her and her OM fired. Heck he even threatened me over my job. But I chose not to. As much as it hurt my pride and kids, I decided not to. It doesn't make a person weak or stronger than another. It's just a choice.

And believe it or not, there are many who have faced the EXACT same problem you have. On here and dozens of other forums and real life situations. Joe Beam is a great Christian counselor on this matter.

" At some point, it may be possible to attend the same church as my W, but not anytime soon. These emotions will take time to work through. That does not mean I am "losing the war" or that I am an angry person who does not understand forgiveness. It just means that I have been deeply hurt and need time and space to work toward forgiveness and a new R with my W."

So again you talk about yourself even though you specifically said..." Setting up a legitimate boundary has nothing to do with anger, or forgiveness."

"Having my W find a new church is a good starting point in that direction."

Again, that's up to you. Personally I don't think it's going to help much, because it ends up you punishing her. And regardless if you listen to this or not. It's not a criticism. There are certain things you can handle and some you can't. You're protecting yourself from getting hurt and betrayed again. I get it.

And again, you have a choice to do as you wish. There are times that I personally don't think that people should involve God in all this because tolerance and forgiveness was the one thing that He taught above all else. Like the prodigal son and other examples. But that's just my opinion.