Confused and Lost

[lovenomatterwhat]

But you have to remember not to push her in OM direction. I learned that from experience, believe me.

Thanks MileHigh. Unfortunately, I might have done just that but only time will tell. I am still learning that these matters are slow and take a lot of patience

You stood up for your family. You should be proud of it.

Thank you Mr. Bond. I needed to hear that. When the confrontation took place, I felt like they were mocking me. It was definitely a low moment in my life but I will not falter.

Can you accept that your W most likely felt the same way and for longer than 5 months? You said she wanted more of you,and you didn't give it, and you were mentally abusive. Did she know what mood you would be in? Did she feel close and connected to you?

That is so true. As much as I hate this affair, it was my actions that drove her to OM.

What you have to decide is if you are in it for the long haul.

LovetheHub, thank you for your wisdom. I want to be in this for the long haul but I don't feel that I have made that decision yet. I don't know if I can endure this. I am trying and want to save this marriage. Right now it feels like I am the one who needs saving. My world is a mess and only I can decide if I want to endure months or years of pain, tolerance, and hardship to save this marriage. Still need time to get myself together before I really know. Right now I am just taking it day by day.

What kind of memory do you want to look back on for this day, what memory do you want her to walk away with of this day?

Thanks Mimi30. I tried to make the most of it. I got her two dress shirts, a charm (my daughter wanted me to buy it so it was really a gift from her) and the diamond studs. I arrange the gifts in three sections on the bed along with some chocolates and a few balloons. She was slightly cold with her response initially but did thank me for it. I was going to take her to a steak house but when she found out it was valet parking only, she was adamant that we go somewhere else (car was clean, so not sure what that was about). I ended up taking her to another seafood and steak house were we had a 4 lb lobster. It was delicious. She had several drinks (my wife does not drink at all so that was odd). She told me she needed the drinks given the circumstances. She was sort of distant most of the night but loosen up a bit towards the end. Our daughter went with us so she helped lighten the mood.

but wait, you are here on this site for a reason, right?? Being married and happy is the goal, correct?

Because right now it Sounds like you want to be "right" more than anything.

25yearsmlc, thank you for that 2x4. I want to show her love, that she can count on me to be there for her. At the same time, I am having to detach and with that I am angry at the situation and at her. You are absolutely right, my past behavior is my worse enemy. Today she has been very cold towards me. On the positive side, since the confrontation she has not gone on her usual walks and has been staying off her phone around me. That said, I feel like I've entered a cold war with my wife and I hate it. Nothing good came out of this confrontation. I have to just be patient, love her through my actions and wait for an opportunity to laugh or enjoy some good moments together

Does your proposed action or comment, get you closer to the goal? Always ask yourself that question.

That is excellent advice. Hard to follow at times as my emotions can sometimes get the best of me. The hardest part is that most of the actions do not produce an immediate result. Instead, it's like a seed that has to be planted, watered and cared for over time in order to reap any benefits.

When you in two, three or more years from now (D or no D) look back at this time in your life, what would you like to see? (What would make you proud looking back? What would make you feel good about you and about the way you handled yourself?)

Fartiltre, that is a great comment. I am going to think and ponder on that thought. Right now my vision, my dreams, my image of who I want to be is so shattered that I no longer know. Deep down I do but I think I am afraid and lack faith to really believe that that vision can be reality. I am going to give this some serious thought.

We need to focus and continue to focus on that big picture: making us a better person. It will take time, but we will get there.

Thanks hotwheelsaust. Right now I can't seem to separate the forest from the trees but I need to get my focus on what the goal is here. Without a vision people parish. Along with the vision/big picture, I think my next step is to setup some goals for myself.

I took my daughter to girls scouts today and was rushing to take her to swimming. Traffic was so bad that I actually missed the meeting (there was a football game next door that caused traffic to be backed up). My wife was at the swimming pool and called me up to basically chew me out for not making it in time. She told my I was irresponsible. I just listen, told her I was sorry/hit a lot of traffic and left it at that.

Earlier today my daughter told me that the OM at the swimming pool the other day was not the first time she has seen him. She told me that she has gone to lunch with them several times and that my wife told her to not tell me. I told my daughter that her secret was safe with me and that I will not mention it to wife. Very disturbing but not surprised. I think the confrontation drove my wife closer to OM but who knows. I think now she will be extra sneaky with her actions.

I did speak to an attorney on Tuesday. She told me that having an affair can make a decision when it comes to property division and that the courts will not look favorably on daughter being around OM. That said, evidence would be needed and only then if the divorce became contested. I don't want to get a divorce but I am thinking I need to start taking care of myself financially just in case. My attorney is telling me that it is better if I file first but I am not there yet (although I feel like I am getting closer to that point at times). I think wife has pretty much figured out that I got access to her text messages some how or hired a PI. She went as far as to change her phone number today.