Confused and Lost

[25yearsmlc]

What they said^^^^.

And do NOT lose it again. You cannot afford to. But I think your text was reasonable, given the circumstances.

No more beating yourself up. Start over.

Do the anniversary gift and I think a movie (preferably a live show, for the occasion) Or some activity so you don't do R talk as you will be tempted to.

No R talk from you. If she says R things, stay on message, but mostly just Listen.

[Mimi00]

Remembered your anniversary was coming and came to check on your sitch....I didn't expect to see this turn of events. I hope you are doing okay today and you two are able to do something for the anniversary still.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thanks everyone for the support. My daughter told me that my wife told her that she still wants to go to the steak house for dinner. So I will probably do that. I honestly don't feel like doing anything for her but I did send her flowers. She did txt me asking me why i was off today. I told her it was planned a long time ago. My best friend tells me I should just return the diamond studs (tempting). I slept in my daughters room last night and will probably continue for now. I feel like just going dark with her and only contacting her if she approaches. I still want to save this marriage but it feels like such an impossibility. I don't know if I should still decorate the bedroom with balloons, chocolates, etc. I feel like i am rewarding her for bad behavior. I will write later. Just got done seeing an attorney for some legal advice.

[Mimi00]

My H came to visit me at the top of July, I had the entire week planned out for us, I was so excited to see him as we hadn't seen each other in months. With in a hour of his arrival he let me know there is no hope us, he's done.

Did I let that end my plans? No, I asked him to just enjoy the time we had, we went camping, out to eat, I made his favorite meals, movies...etc..etc... He told me this it was the best time we'd had in a while, we were like best friends again. Did that week make him change his mind about leaving me? No, but I had a great time with him, I'll never forget it, and I'm sure he looks back on that time fondly as well.

So I'd say really think about what you want from this day?
What kind of memory do you want to look back on for this day, what memory do you want her to walk away with of this day?

The choice is ultimately yours if you return the diamonds and the reasons why you would...

I do think you may want to make some adjustments (like the bedroom stuff) if there are some things you simply aren't comfortable with (such as being with her intimately if shes been w/ OM in that way). If you are open to being with her intimately though, then I'd say play it by ear, no need for decoration.

[25yearsmlc]

I agree with Mimi.

Not wanting to "reward" her "bad behavior" (and forgetting yours) is exactly what I used to say when my h worked late. He did it often. There were times he didn't have to work as much (& times he really did) & i felt our family was in second place to the accolades of his colleagues.

Yes I resented it and feared if i was warm & loving when he came home, he'd think it was fine to work needlessly hard. I was an idiot.

INSTEAD, i should have given him a warm welcome home hug and NOT crossed arms.

It took me years to decide if i wanted to be happy, or "right."

If this affair is something you want to throw in her face in fights, or hang over her head forever, pretend you played no role, blame it all on her and file...

but wait, you are here on this site for a reason, right?? Being married and happy is the goal, correct?

Because right now it Sounds like you want to be "right" more than anything.

And Hey, fyi,

It's Not your job to "teach her a lesson", or show her the consequences of her choices.

As my DB coach said, "Life does that for them."

Be in the moment. Show her how safe it is to be together. Let her relax around you. Truly. Stop the guilt & pressure.

***Your biggest enemy is your past behavior, not OM. Drill that into your head.

Rent a comedy. LAUGH together & bond over some good moments...or keep wallowing.

If this feels like a bit if a 2 x 4, it is. Read your first posts here.

Don't get amnesia. Dig deep & do the work. Give her something to miss.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

Something that helped me see that MY pain was Mine to handle.....

"Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like Lighting yourself on fire,

To get smoke in their eyes."

It does YOU no good, and IF she notices it at all, it'll only fuel her reasons & justifications to leave you, that much more.

So keep your eye on the ball. What's your goal?

Does your proposed action or comment, get you closer to the goal?
Always ask yourself that question.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Thank you so much everyone for your words. 25yearsmlc - you are amazing - thanks for the 2x4 - I needed it. I will write more thoughtfully later today but right now I my emotions are just out of control and just need to vent. I am anger and didn't realize it. I don't want to punish my wife or worse yet, see my daughter get hurt in the process. I hate what is happening to my family and I am hurting bad today. I can't seem to concentrate or get anything done at work today. All I've been thinking about is how bad I want my wife and family in my life. I feel so defeated. I honestly feel like quitting and just throwing in the towel. I know that I am better than that. That I must fight and be strong for my family. I am so drained and just wish I can run away from everything to be alone. I will write later about the anniversary later tonight (hopefully after my daughter's swimming) but I feel like everything I've done was for nothing. I know that these changes are for me and me alone - but that is just the thing - I feel so alone right now. My wife and I have suffered too much already and it feels like everyday is a punishment. I wish we could start the healing process - that we were piercing and trying to work through our problems. I know that there is nothing I can do to speed up and fix this problem. It is out side of my control. The test of time is painful. I feel like I am literally on the edge of losing it. I will get through this but today is one of those bad days (seems like I am getting more of those these days). In spite of my pain, I just want my wife to be happy. With or without me. She deserves that. I am beginning to think that she is better off without me. I know I can't show her that but that is how I feel right now. I feel like a big loser right now but know I must press on. I will write later tonite when my thoughts and emotions are not as cloudy...

[Fartiltre]

I am not totally up to speed on your sitch but I have a question and you don’t need to answer.
I am not a VET but I know the hurt, the feelings, the despair – it all!! BUT…..

When you in two, three or more years from now (D or no D) look back at this time in your life, what would you like to see? (What would make you proud looking back? What would make you feel good about you and about the way you handled yourself?)

Do not go with a hunch, the quick answer or the textbook – work through these thoughts (remember D or no D), obtain the knowledge you need and then make up your mind! What would you like to see looking back?

Vision that and then simply do it!

Until then stick with all the advice you have gotten from VETS and Sandi’s rules otherwise you risk blasting it all to pieces.

(I do get you! This is well meant!)

All the best!

F

[hotwheelsaust]

So true F. While this all hurts day in and day out, we have to look at the big picture, because I can probably guarantee (no mindreading here) that the WAS is not looking at the big picture. Most likely they are focusing on day to day.
lovenomatterwhat:
We need to focus and continue to focus on that big picture: making us a better person. It will take time, but we will get there.
Giving up now will never change your WAS view, but not giving up may change their view. If it doesn't, then you will still have a better view and outlook on life.
Just remember, we cannot change their views.

[lovenomatterwhat]

But you have to remember not to push her in OM direction. I learned that from experience, believe me.

Thanks MileHigh. Unfortunately, I might have done just that but only time will tell. I am still learning that these matters are slow and take a lot of patience

You stood up for your family. You should be proud of it.

Thank you Mr. Bond. I needed to hear that. When the confrontation took place, I felt like they were mocking me. It was definitely a low moment in my life but I will not falter.

Can you accept that your W most likely felt the same way and for longer than 5 months? You said she wanted more of you,and you didn't give it, and you were mentally abusive. Did she know what mood you would be in? Did she feel close and connected to you?

That is so true. As much as I hate this affair, it was my actions that drove her to OM.

What you have to decide is if you are in it for the long haul.

LovetheHub, thank you for your wisdom. I want to be in this for the long haul but I don't feel that I have made that decision yet. I don't know if I can endure this. I am trying and want to save this marriage. Right now it feels like I am the one who needs saving. My world is a mess and only I can decide if I want to endure months or years of pain, tolerance, and hardship to save this marriage. Still need time to get myself together before I really know. Right now I am just taking it day by day.

What kind of memory do you want to look back on for this day, what memory do you want her to walk away with of this day?

Thanks Mimi30. I tried to make the most of it. I got her two dress shirts, a charm (my daughter wanted me to buy it so it was really a gift from her) and the diamond studs. I arrange the gifts in three sections on the bed along with some chocolates and a few balloons. She was slightly cold with her response initially but did thank me for it. I was going to take her to a steak house but when she found out it was valet parking only, she was adamant that we go somewhere else (car was clean, so not sure what that was about). I ended up taking her to another seafood and steak house were we had a 4 lb lobster. It was delicious. She had several drinks (my wife does not drink at all so that was odd). She told me she needed the drinks given the circumstances. She was sort of distant most of the night but loosen up a bit towards the end. Our daughter went with us so she helped lighten the mood.

but wait, you are here on this site for a reason, right?? Being married and happy is the goal, correct?

Because right now it Sounds like you want to be "right" more than anything.

25yearsmlc, thank you for that 2x4. I want to show her love, that she can count on me to be there for her. At the same time, I am having to detach and with that I am angry at the situation and at her. You are absolutely right, my past behavior is my worse enemy. Today she has been very cold towards me. On the positive side, since the confrontation she has not gone on her usual walks and has been staying off her phone around me. That said, I feel like I've entered a cold war with my wife and I hate it. Nothing good came out of this confrontation. I have to just be patient, love her through my actions and wait for an opportunity to laugh or enjoy some good moments together

Does your proposed action or comment, get you closer to the goal? Always ask yourself that question.

That is excellent advice. Hard to follow at times as my emotions can sometimes get the best of me. The hardest part is that most of the actions do not produce an immediate result. Instead, it's like a seed that has to be planted, watered and cared for over time in order to reap any benefits.

When you in two, three or more years from now (D or no D) look back at this time in your life, what would you like to see? (What would make you proud looking back? What would make you feel good about you and about the way you handled yourself?)

Fartiltre, that is a great comment. I am going to think and ponder on that thought. Right now my vision, my dreams, my image of who I want to be is so shattered that I no longer know. Deep down I do but I think I am afraid and lack faith to really believe that that vision can be reality. I am going to give this some serious thought.

We need to focus and continue to focus on that big picture: making us a better person. It will take time, but we will get there.

Thanks hotwheelsaust. Right now I can't seem to separate the forest from the trees but I need to get my focus on what the goal is here. Without a vision people parish. Along with the vision/big picture, I think my next step is to setup some goals for myself.

I took my daughter to girls scouts today and was rushing to take her to swimming. Traffic was so bad that I actually missed the meeting (there was a football game next door that caused traffic to be backed up). My wife was at the swimming pool and called me up to basically chew me out for not making it in time. She told my I was irresponsible. I just listen, told her I was sorry/hit a lot of traffic and left it at that.

Earlier today my daughter told me that the OM at the swimming pool the other day was not the first time she has seen him. She told me that she has gone to lunch with them several times and that my wife told her to not tell me. I told my daughter that her secret was safe with me and that I will not mention it to wife. Very disturbing but not surprised. I think the confrontation drove my wife closer to OM but who knows. I think now she will be extra sneaky with her actions.

I did speak to an attorney on Tuesday. She told me that having an affair can make a decision when it comes to property division and that the courts will not look favorably on daughter being around OM. That said, evidence would be needed and only then if the divorce became contested. I don't want to get a divorce but I am thinking I need to start taking care of myself financially just in case. My attorney is telling me that it is better if I file first but I am not there yet (although I feel like I am getting closer to that point at times). I think wife has pretty much figured out that I got access to her text messages some how or hired a PI. She went as far as to change her phone number today.