Because as you fine ladies and gentlemen know, I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that
I know I wasn't close to 100 posts on my last thread, but I felt like I needed a new one after my break here.
There is a lot that has happened in the interim, both good and bad. I continue to be very introspective.
The beach vacation with my sister was wonderful. We literally laid on the beach from morning till evening. There were times I would just lay there with my eyes closed, listening to the ocean, feeling the sun on my skin, and feel thankful for so much in my life.
There were also a few sad and melancholy moments when I missed H or thought about his beach trip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
H's health has not been well. He's been to the doctor, had a procedure done, but still isn't feeling any better. I am very worried about him. He appears to continue to spiral down...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few weeks ago, I overheard H on the phone with FT (he thought I was asleep). I heard him say, "I saw I missed your call, I'm sorry" and "I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you" and "I'm f-ed up, feeling really down, I can't sleep." He went for a walk, and I couldn't hear any more.
It didn't sound like things were too rosy.
He has been warming up to me in many ways. Comes up to bed every night now. Asks me often to scratch/apply lotion/rub him.
He asked me to rub lotion on his stomach and thighs the one night. Here's a thought... If we are supposed to treat our in home MLCers like a friendly neighbor... Well, I can't imagine any of my neighbors asking me for a stomach/thigh rub. Just saying!
And no FY, nothing exciting happened after that
He has also been dishing out some compliments lately, telling me that I look nice from time to time.
Still, I know SHE is still around. And it is getting beyond old for me. The affair seems to just keep sputtering along...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reminded myself to keep focus on me, and I have been trying to make more of a conscious effort to do so. I have plenty going on between kids, work, and life to keep me busy!
Saw this quote, and it made me think of you all ~
"Every morning you are handed twenty-four hours free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you could not purchase an extra single hour. So what will you do with this priceless possession? You must use it. And don't forget: Once it is wasted, you can't get it back."
Good night
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I know my DB coach encouraged me to try to initiate casual contact around the house. I would think you should continue this contact. Maybe even offer the same rub down tonight??
Your life sounds busy and full stay focused on your kids and yourself. Loved your quote. A reminder of rich each of us for everyday we are given - its a gift.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
And some positives and some negatives. He is holding on to her like a friend, perhaps?
My H said in therapy yesterday that when you've been out a year or whatever you don't want to just throw away what you've built.
Any growing between you and your H is positive, but you sound weary. When is your birthday? How are you feeling about that?
Glad to hear your beach vacation was lovely and you got to focus on the present there. And I'm sure it was wonderful being with your sister.
I think of you every day
Lovely quote, well worth pondering.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey TVS, glad you had great vacation, as RH said you sound emotionally weary, you have been through some tough situations for sure. If he is coming to bed each night, its gotta mean he's comfortable and not feeling pressured. Keep working on those small acts of physical contact. Having him at home is perfect to initiate that, many don't get that opportunity. Don't forget to try some eye contact.
I remember when my H dropped the bomb. He said "I miss the way you used to look at me". My DB coach said (and I have repeated myself many times here I know, but it worked for me) eye contact is a huge aphrodesiac.
I am so sad that your H continues to suffer from health problems. Unfortunately for him, the only way he can achieve some level of acceptance with that has to come from within. He obviously has lots of support from you. Am also thinking of you daily and hope you can continue to remind yourself of life's pleasures each day as we all have do. Wonderful quote. Take care dear friend.
Tvs, last summer when you and GALb and I connected here I was so sure we would graduate to "piecing" together. Then as my sitch deteriorated I thought "oh no! I'm gonna be the one that doesn't make it!" But now I have a brighter future.
But you are still here in limbo with H slowly inching toward you.
Life is picking up speed for me but I still revert to my habit of thinking of my friends on this forum.
So I was driving today and heard this song from Carrie Underwood. I thought of your H. He will have to make this break with OW to make it with you and the boys. Maybe his poor health has made him less inclined to do it. Idk. But just was thinking of you. I changed the gender in the words to fit H.
I was sitting on my doorstep, I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand, But I knew I had to do it, And she wouldn't understand, So hard to see myself without her, I felt a piece of my heart break, But when you're standing at a crossroad, There's a choice you gotta make.
[Chorus:] I guess it's gonna have to hurt, I guess I'm gonna have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved, To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down, Like falling when you try to fly, It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon, Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me, Getting there means leaving things behind, Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
When he realizes you are that distant blue horizon maybe he will have the strength to do it. And one day this A will be a distant memory.
Thinking of you daily, rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Nope, my friend, you arent the kind of girl who gives up. One of the many things I love about you.
T, man, I know this seems like it is going on forever. I remember feeling that way. It just sux. No other way to say it.
But, the thing is this. We do not know how his crisis was triggered. We dont know what contributed to it exactly. We dont know how long he felt disconnected from himself before it came bubbling to the surface.
Since it is his crisis, you cant really know how he is processing it all. So, because of that, it is hard to be on the sidelines watching it unfold and not really knowing where he's at or what he's thinking.
It took years to get him to this crisis and it is going to take him some time to work through it. No other way around that.
He is inching his way through. I know you can see it. As far as the ow, she is a bit of a lifeline. If he lets go too soon, he feels he might freefall. He has to be completely ready for the next part before he can let go because he knows the next part is gonna be really tough.
I know, without a doubt, that you can hang in for awhile longer. So, I continue to pray for you and root you on..
Hi TVS! Great song, for sure. Thanks for the drop in, we all miss you. I'm impressed you were able to drop out of the forum for a bit, I sometimes think I need to do that. No rush, but can you tell us what you experienced/learned on your DB forum break?
...and no, I wasn't thinking anything exciting happened with your lotion rubbing incident. But it could have... just saying.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Haven't been around too much, just popping in here and there. Always thinking about you guys.
Things have been busy, which is good. One day goes into the next, and time seems to fly by.
Thanks B- mom, rH, FY, WH, UW, and Gal for stopping by and showing me some love. Like I always say, you guys are the best
There has been a lot going on lately. I'm taking the T^2 route and laying off the details. I'm still trying to process everything myself.
There are many small things (and some not so small) that make it seem as though H continues to inch his way towards me. Any one thing taken by itself would be no big deal... But I think that taken all together, they show some progress.
Unfortunately, ho bag still is around. Over it!
Someone had to take a leave of absence at work, and FT has been filling in. Sooo, I've had to see her everyday this week. She hasn't exactly given me the nicest of looks. Guess the "I'm so sorry for being such a bad friend" facade has worn off
H continues to not feel well, not sleep. Continues with the serious texting.
One positive thing I'd like to share that really warmed my heart ~
H came up to bed Saturday night and spent the night in bed. Sunday morning, the kids came charging in the room bright and early. They climbed into bed with us, and wanted to watch tv.
They climbed under the covers, and the four of us snuggled in bed watching tv. It was a first. To have our family together like that meant so much to me.
H seemed very happy and content
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FY, you asked me about my break from the boards.
This place has truly been a lifesaver for me. I absolutely could not have made it this far without all the support and concern from the wonderful people here.
But, I found myself obsessing about being on here. I found myself reading and posting here instead of doing other things. Instead of reading a book before bed, I was here. Instead of going to bed early to catch up on sleep, I was here. There were even times instead of playing with my kids, I was here.
And that's not who I wanted to be or the direction I wanted to take.
I continue to mull things over in my mind. Still have the support of some very special people in my life. Still pushing ahead, clearing the path on my journey.
Not sure what's next on the horizon. But I am sure that I can do this - of course with a little help from my friends
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
But it could have... just saying.