All Out of Options

[MyNewStrength]

I am new here and my marriage is over...I have now where to go for people to understand the depth of the pain I am experiencing.

My Husband asked me for a separation and divorce this morning. This not the first time. This is the 3rd.

Sometime in early 2009, my husband began a PA/EA with someone at work. This was not apparent to me until the summer of that year after I returned home from a business trip early because I had a feeling that "something" was not right. Well, I was right, and caught him with her in our driveway. Of course I was upset. I had a lot of other things going on with me, the loss of my baby sister and pressure at work. I was angry about everything and it showed.

That was not an excuse for him to step out on the marriage. He had to admit the affair because he was caught. I threw things at him and the day ended with him (now I realize) manipulating me saying he would never do that again and that he loved me and wanted it to work out. We began to see the worst MC I think we could find. However, we stopped seeing her as I soon began to realize that she was supporting his justification for stepping out. Months role by and we are tiptoeing around everything and then on New Year's Day he packs his stuff and walks out saying he needed to find his own happiness. I was a mess. I cried, I pleaded, I begged. Then I stopped. While I did drop about 22 pounds in about a month and a half, I started running and working out again in the spring. He then called to say he was being deployed to Afghanistan and that he needed me to complete paperwork. Then a month before he was to deploy, I was served with official separation papers, but because he was being deployed, I would not be able to serve him with anything until he returned to US soil. I didn't speak to him again until August 2010 (this is after I detached for months) and I decided to answer a Skype call from him. We talk and he said he wanted to try our marriage again. I told him that I was not sure and we just talked of and on until he asked me to travel overseas to visit him while he took a 2 week leave. I travelled to Germany in November 2010. He returned home (to US) in April 2011 and he moved back into our home in June 2011.

Everything seemed great. We were spending quality time together, we were hanging out with friends and family and travelling. Then in February 2012, he said that he was unhappy and could not tell me why. We found a great MC neutral to our individual needs but very dedicated to us as a couple. This is where I found out about a lot of his pet peeves about me. I stacked things, I didn't want to try new things, and he thought I felt awkward in social settings. He said he was looking for a "perfect" mate. Well the counselor quickly told him that no one or no couple if perfect. We all have flaws, and it's how you deal with them and learn to accept them.

We continued to see her even after he moved out again in April 2012. He got an apartment, and said he wanted to try a separation to that he knew what it was like to live without me and depend on me. We were speaking every day and we even attended a friend’s BBQ on Memorial Day that year together. We continued to see our MC and he was making somewhat of a break through. He moved back in in August 2012, but that same month, I found an email he sent to another woman telling her that she loved her!!! I was irate! I called him (he was doing his 2 weeks of active duty in Norfolk). He was panic, or so it seems now. He asked for my forgiveness. I told him that I could not do that. He kept asking until I gave in only after requiring that he immediately stopped seeing her and breakoff whatever it was he had with her. She was married as well!!!! We had a cooling off and he stayed with a friend for a while and then he called to tell me that he could not leave without me.

We had what I thought was the best year yet. I needed prodded him for any information. We would be cooking and would just say, “Honey, this is beat I have felt about us in a long time”, “Honey, I am so very happy”.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago: (August 10th)
HIM: Honey have you been cheating on me?
ME: No, why would ask that question.
HIM: I found condoms in the bottom of a pharmacy bag when I was cleaning?
ME: Yes, I bought them when you left me the first time, but I never used them. I could never use them because I have always been faithful to you. It was a mistake. Do you believe me?
HIM: Yes, I know you would never do that to me.

Forward to 2 weeks ago: (August 17th)
He wants to talk about our relationship because now he wonders if his happiness that past year was real. We talk, and he seems to be listening, but I think he is looking for a way out.

Forward to 1 week ago: (August 23rd)
I go on another business trip and return on August 23rd. Husband departs for NYC with his best friend and his sons for guys get away. He barely answers his phone and when he does, he tries to hang up quickly.

I cry because I know what is coming and he tells me that that is not the case. He wants to talk. I finally call a friend , but I am embarrassed and ashamed. I try to speak to him last night and he hurts my feelings.. he calls me an idiot, a moron, and stupid. I cry. I sob.. He tells me to leave him alone and he sleeps in another bedroom. This morning he says he wants to move forward with a divorce.

I am so very devastated because everything seemed to be okay up until 3 weeks ago. Why is this happening. I can’t eat, sleep. I am drinking and in a state of shock. He won't answer my calls or respond to text. I don’t know what to do…

Here is his message to me this morning:

Wife
I understand that Divorce upsets you. But you need to keep calm and work with me towards our mutual benefit.

I want you to provide me your lawyer's contact info so I can provide it to mine. if you no longer have a retainer in place with your old lawyer, like you've said, then contact the firm and see if you'll have the same attorney or someone new - so I can provide that name to my lawyer.

I believe it would be to our mutual benefit if you were to keep the house - I'd like to run those numbers with you and see how feasible it is.

We need to have adult conversations about this. Please.

Husband