Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

Wonka - This was partially done last night. It's how I opened the conversation - with telling her my lightbulb moment. I apologized for being selfish and not realizing that in this mess it was possible that I had hurt her too. That I was a trigger for her as well.

I expressed wanting a different relationship where she didn't feel those fears and asking what that would look like. In expressing her fears - she did say what would be better for her.

Being direct. Even if I'm not sure what's going on within me, just letting her know something is going on.

Letting her feelings be okay. Whatever the are. She said she was shocked when I asked if she could explain what made her uncomfortable about our conversation.. (I guess vs. me just acting like the Old Val).


I thanked her this morning for expressing her fears. I left it short and sweet because that's all I can do right now other than the work on two things above.... but for now I DO need to rest with my emotions.

It's weird because first thing I do when I meet a new person is to create the very thing she wants from me (or as she put it - the relationships that work well in her life). We are truly not that different.

But with her it's a different story. I need to dig deeper and ask myself if I want to truly put in the work. If it would lead to a recon of some sort - the answer is absolutely. Which I whole heartedly admit is selfish - because I'm only saying yes if it benefits ME as well.

But can I create that safe space knowing there is a possibility she may never come back.. or we may never be friends... or it may never be safe??

Intellectually - I want to say yes because I do want to just care about her in that way. I do want to create a safe space for her with the mindset of not wanting anything in return.

I'm just not sure if I am ready yet. I'm not sure if I am detached enough yet.

Can I get there... yes. But the journey of the "how" is something I don't have the answers for yet.