Dinner was hard. I'm still processing so forgive me if I don't make a ton of sense.
Met with X, we started off with normal chatter. It was pleasant and there were laughs.
Getting into the bigger conversation was hard. I will be honest with how I feel now.. fully aware that it may change and fully admitting that I have no idea what to do with this information.
She is scared of me. She is never sure how I am going to treat her. She was afraid that I was meeting with her to lash out, tell her I hate her, make her feel sh!tty (more so than she already does). Lay a guilt trip on her... and the list went on.
All negative ways she believes I acted in our Divorce. TBH - I don't recall too much of that but I could tell by looking at her that those things are her truth.
She also informed me that she had no intent when reaching out to me initially. Only that she saw good conversations and kept building on that. She realizes that at some point she started initiating conversations with me.
But at the same time, she has no idea where it is going. She doesn't know if it will turn into a friendship and that she doesn't want to commit because she one day it may get to a point that it is too much for her. And she doesn't want to hurt me again. She admitted it was selfish but honest.
There was alot of times that she mentioned. "This is my truth, accept it". When I mentioned texting was not ideal for me when I couldn't tell her tone - she made it very clear that "phone time"' was hard for her. She had work, 6 sponsees, 2 sponsors, and a girlfriend, meditation and yoga. She has soo many people in her life, she literally has to schedule everything in.
She told me I could either accept that about her or not.
Wonka was right. Her trigger on Thursday made her think "Screw This.. I'm done". I guess I trigger her a ton.
I said everything made sense. I mean - I had asked her to tell me what she feared and she did.
She wasn't super responsive to my end of it. Talking about my fears and triggers. There was alot of I understand it, but not alot of "how can I help with it".
That too was hard.
I walk away with the impression that I still want to put in the work to make it safe for her.. but she does not. Makes sense to me - if she was willing to put in the work - we wouldn't be divorced.
She said she was leaving the conversation with the ball is in my court. I'm not sure what that means...
She tells me she is around - but I honestly have no idea what that means....
I don't feel like it was a bad conversation - but I feel emotionally beat up.
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
