BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[JayMan]

Don't tell her. She's always going to find something else to validate her point. It's an uphill battle.

My W takes that one step further - I pointed out a similar couple one time, and she dismissed by saying, "Well, they're just better than I am I guess."

[SM34]

I think its something in the water....

[lovethehub]

I find it very interesting to see how many LBS's want to believe that there must be some explanation for their WAS's behavior (hormones, depression, etc.) and that they refer to how 'crazy' their WAS is. I know my experience isn't the experience of ALL WAS's, however, I am sure there is a large percentage who became WAS's for the same reason - years and years of unmet needs, ignored requests, loneliness, poor treatment, anger, etc.

I wasn't crazy, my hormones didn't go wild and I am not depressed - nor was I. I just finally couldn't take it anymore. If you read MWD's chapter on WAW's, I thought "OMG, finally, someone who understands me". It was exactly how it happened for me.

Therefore, like everyone said, focus on yourselves. It is the only thing you can control!


BC, I understand your confusion about detaching when your W feels you abandoned her or weren't there for her emotionally. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean ignoring her, it means removing your expectations from the outcome.

Also, every situation is different, I know for me my H made it really easy for me to stay confused and not have to make a decision. Each time I was 'willing to work it out' he was right there ready to move ahead. Each time I wrote one of those amazing letters, things got better for a while. I am not saying I think your W was lying when she wrote the letter you mentioned, or that she doesn't mean that she is willing to work it out when she says she it. It just seems that she wants to and then as soon as you start to try, she is no longer sure because she is truly confused. If you keep being right there to try again, do you believe this will change?

[lovethehub]

p.s. Accuray...lovethehub - hub is for husband!

[T1000]

I find it very interesting to see how many LBS's want to believe that there must be some explanation for their WAS's behavior (hormones, depression, etc.) and that they refer to how 'crazy' their WAS is. I know my experience isn't the experience of ALL WAS's, however, I am sure there is a large percentage who became WAS's for the same reason - years and years of unmet needs, ignored requests, loneliness, poor treatment, anger, etc.

I wasn't crazy, my hormones didn't go wild and I am not depressed - nor was I. I just finally couldn't take it anymore. If you read MWD's chapter on WAW's, I thought "OMG, finally, someone who understands me". It was exactly how it happened for me.

Therefore, like everyone said, focus on yourselves. It is the only thing you can control!


BC, I understand your confusion about detaching when your W feels you abandoned her or weren't there for her emotionally. Detaching doesn't necessarily mean ignoring her, it means removing your expectations from the outcome.

Also, every situation is different, I know for me my H made it really easy for me to stay confused and not have to make a decision. Each time I was 'willing to work it out' he was right there ready to move ahead. Each time I wrote one of those amazing letters, things got better for a while. I am not saying I think your W was lying when she wrote the letter you mentioned, or that she doesn't mean that she is willing to work it out when she says she it. It just seems that she wants to and then as soon as you start to try, she is no longer sure because she is truly confused. If you keep being right there to try again, do you believe this will change?

What exactly was it that lifted your fog? How and at what point do you think that your H was gone for good. Did a letter not work the last time?

[SM34]

Lovethehub, I think lbs seek explanations not necessarily for the WAW left, but for HOW. atleast that is how I feel. Not looking for why she did it because I know why (to some extent). Its the jumping ship, befriending a OM who is much lower on the attraction index than,me (or my wife) the ease with which it the plan is executed without a plan. It is those facts that warranty an explanation such as hormones and/or depression etc to bring SOME logic to behavior that defies logic.

I mean when yoi think back at your sitch,.do u not feel that while your disatisfaction was warrented,.some or all of your behavior or respons to the feelings you had were at the minimum bizarre, and at times bordering on insanity? I haven't read your story so excuse me if I am way iff,, its just most WAW have not thought out their fantasy and execute with no plans and say and do things that make us lbs feel they are possesed.

We just cant believe the situation requires such immature, selfish behavior when there are one thousand other ways to deal with matriage issues.

[lovethehub]

What exactly was it that lifted your fog? How and at what point do you think that your H was gone for good. Did a letter not work the last time?

T, my actual A lasted a few month but our issues lasted another 4 years or so after. One of my big issues was H would say he wanted a D whenever anything would happen. After PA ended, I would reach out and text OM whenever H would leave again. He wouldn't leave physically but he would leave emotionally. I could not decide what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to leave but I had little belief it could work, that H would get over A, that we could be happy again for more than a few weeks/months at a time. In Feb, he was just done, he dropped the rope as they say here. There were no specific actions that told me this, it was an attitude, a feeling. I tried to give him a letter and he told me he was tired of my letters because they said one thing and then I did another. That is when I read DB/DR and just quit trying to work on us and started working on me.

I wasn't in a fog that whole time, maybe the first 6 months. The rest was a lack of R skills, fear, mistrust (for both of us), etc. We were doing what you and W were doing - we would be "split up", reconcile, start off ok, date, have sex,etc. but one little mistake on either part could send the whole thing south and we would be back to square one. As you know, each time it gets harder to start over.

I mean when yoi think back at your sitch,.do u not feel that while your disatisfaction was warrented,.some or all of your behavior or respons to the feelings you had were at the minimum bizarre, and at times bordering on insanity? I haven't read your story so excuse me if I am way iff,, its just most WAW have not thought out their fantasy and execute with no plans and say and do things that make us lbs feel they are possesed.

I'm not sure I acted crazy but I know my H definitely thinks I did. I can see how, after years of acting one way, them beginning to act another can seem bizarre; and in some situations I have read there really is bizarre/insane behavior.

We just cant believe the situation requires such immature, selfish behavior when there are one thousand other ways to deal with matriage issues.

Do you feel that your behavior leading up to having a WAW was immature and selfish? There were a thousand ways to deal with M issues prior to WAW also. I think that was my point. LBS' feel they are selfish, crazy, etc. but then their behavior prior to WAW was most likely selfish, immature, etc..

[SM34]

I guess it depends how you view marriage. If you view it as a life long commitment then you dont bail on it. If you understand that marriage has its positives and its negatives you learn to evaluate it differently. If you understand that life has its UPS and downs, you dont quit during a down period, because you know an up period is coming up soon.

And that is why most unhappy couples are happy again within five years.

It is the selfish and immature belief system that leads to a sense of entitlement and the mentality that if im not happy I can just leave...

People who go through life like that will never be happy.

I was a foreign student 14 years ago when I met my wife. I always told her that as an outsider, I believe that the reason so many Americans are unhappy (high suicide rate, high prescription drug use, etc) is due to 'the pursuit if happiness'.

It is the very idea that is the foundation of American culture that leads peopke to behave in ways that will not bring them happiness. Excess material consumption, disposable marriages, etc are the byproduct of constantly seeking momentary happiness.

This is not what happiness is. Happiness is being contempt with what you have, with being ok with the hand you were dealt and learning to make the most of your life.

If your spouse tries hard and you can see how much they love you, do they have to 'meet your needs',100 percent? Is love and respect and compassion not enough? Not in American culture its not. Hence the general level of unhapiness...

[T1000]

I think your right for the most part SM34.

When W 1st left I took 100% of the blame.
Further down the line I accepted my 50% share of the marriage breakdown.

On further reflection I don't know where it stands. I'm not saying I'm not 50% responsible but I find it very hard to believe that I or anyone could do anything to make my W happy.

[planet]

[quote=SM34This is not what happiness is. Happiness is being content with what you have, with being ok with the hand you were dealt and learning to make the most of your life.[/quote]
You are talking about general cultural and mentality of my parent's generation or before them. They would have never thought of divorcing each other and accept their fate as husband & wife as it is. Good or Bad.
Times have change. Rules above do not apply anymore. That's the way it is.