BD One Year Later

[hopefulinga]

That's brilliant, because running away always solves everything, LOL! Whenever I hear something like this it reminds me of the old saying "wherever you go, there you are." I think your H is going to have to run before he discovers the demons he's running from are in him rather than behind him.

Yep, what I said. I think I told him at one point during all of this that I hoped that one day he could find happiness within himself. I guess I rank this up there with the drug addicted moms that can't put down the pipe for the sake of getting their kids back. Because in the end, he's running from his D as well.

Other women would express interest, but over the years I learned body language, facial expressions, etc. to make it clear to them that I wasn't interested in that way.

In my big, dumb blonde way, this is where I get messed up in trying to interpret interest. I've always been bad at picking up this vibe, but even more so after getting M. I usually talked about my H a good bit, so most people would get the hint that way. I also have a 3 foot radius that I don't like people in, so I'm pretty good at keeping them away from me anyway.

I'm struggling with are they nice or truly interested?

I honestly don't know if I can ever drop the wall again....That's not to say I can't be in love, but I don't know if I can ever "give myself over" to someone again if that makes sense.

I totally get that. I've been burned and hurt before, however not like this. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, which I do not like to do. I know that H feels like he trusted me and I breached that trust (over finances). Mine is emotional. H was only the 2nd person that I truly let in. I was engaged to the first, and when that fell apart, the wall went up.

I can remember H and I talking about the wall and him asking me to let it down to let him in. And I can remember how sweet and sincere he was when we had the discussion. I get mad at myself for allowing myself to become vulnerable.

I know that I am not emotionally over H, even though I feel confident that I will survive if I move out. I'm still grieving the loss of the M. Living under the same roof makes this harder. I still see the sparkle in his eyes and the good qualities in him. At the same time, I know this M is completely unhealthy.

Sometimes I think my attempts to feel empathy for H and what he is going through gets in the way of my ability to drop the rope. I need to find the gray area, which is hard for me.