All Out of Options

[MyNewStrength]

Hi. I have been perusing the site recently and decided to register. I was a little apprehensive about telling my story, because I am ashamed. I am out of options at this point with my marriage. Long and short of it:

I met my husband about 14 years ago. He is 7 years older, has image issues, and is somewhat self-absorbed. I use to have and anger issue due to unresolved issues from my childhood that I successfully addressed over a 36 month intense therapy period. During this time, I experienced a lot of insight into my own behavior and how it may of may not have contributed to the downfall of my marriage. My husband began an EA/PA in August 2009 I know this because I had a feeling something was going on and it turned out to be true after coming home from a business trip to find my husband kissing a women in the driveway of our home. I was so distraught, I threw cans of soup at him from the garage. I was just irate, and he promised to get help. We actually started seeing a MC, but she was not a proponent of marriage. So we dropped her. My husband 1st left home in January 2010. He was then away for approximately 8 months before he reached out and asked if he had "lost me." We reconciled and spent time getting to know each other again before he moved back into our home in April 2011. I cried both times when he left, but more so the first time around. I begged and pleaded with him. I love him and didn't want him to leave. When he returned home the first time, I realized he was "drifting." He seemed unhappy and depressed. And then in April 2012, he moved out again, got an apartment and said he was done with us because he needed to find his own happiness. I used to ask him what happiness really meant to him and whether there we times where he experienced happiness in our relationship. He said yes, there were time when he felt happy, but he "did not think he was as happy as he should have been."

He could never describe what was making him unhappy. Oh believe me, I kept asking. He lived on his own twice, didn't make friends and according to him, spent most of his time at work. Then he asked if he could move back into our home in July and I told him if this was going to be a rollercoaster ride, then I wanted off. He assured me (at the time) that he was ready to be a faithful and committed husband. However, I find myself her for the same reason....

2 weeks ago, he asked if I was cheating on him because he found a box of condoms in the bottom of a bag in our linen closet. I quickly confessed that there were mine (I bought then in 2010) after he left thinking whatever. I never used them and the box still had all 12 condoms in tack. He said he believed me, but that is when all the troubled started and it makes no logical sense to me.

2 days after that conversation, I am confronted before a business trip that he wasn't sure if the happiness he felt this past year was real. He says that he did put in the work and he was much happier than he had been in all the years we had been together, but he questioned if the happiness was real. Of course with my impending business trip, I because worried and anxious and started pursuing.....emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. We barely spoke while I was away because I felt as thought he was trying to avoid me. When I returned home from my trip, he went from wanting to talk about our relationship to wanting to end it. And to top it off, he took a guys trip to Nee York for the weekend, one night after I returned. And, he barely responded to text messages. Tuesday, August 27, 2013 was the first time we sat down to talk. He won't budge. He believes what he believe and the option to stay together and figure what is wrong is no option for me.

He wanted to talk and I wanted to provide my document list of actions I wanted to improve. I don't believe he values anything, but he told me that he did not want to be with me tonight. H says he loves me, but he does not to be with me.

I am so confused and don't know what to do. I am all out of options.