This is where the painful work begins Magic. Not to change to get W back but to be a better you. I will be right here with you to help. You may hate hearing some truths at first but it will feel soooo good to acknowledge and understand yourself later on. You may ask why I'm not including your W in this? Cause she is not here telling her side of things. So we will not spend time on her and her issues. They wouldn't help you.
This is not a therapy site. It is ok to vent and journal. Psychoanalysis doesn't really work and if anyone asks you if you hated your father and wanted to married your mom, stay away from that person.
So time to set goals for your life. Exclude W from them. See I in the am
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
With anger I don't scream or yell a lot but I break things or hit walls when I'm pissed.
That is some scary stuff. I bet your W is afraid of you if this has been going on a while.
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When I found out about her EA I kicked her out of the house and ripped up a few of her paintings.
Again, that is scary, abusive behavior.
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I've never hit her though
Abused women often state that mental/ emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse.
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I have also sworn at her a few times during arguments, usually when I get scared and panic. A week ago when she demanded I return her car keys I shouted "F you B" and hung up the phone on her. It felt good in the moment, but anger always hurts you in the end.
Anger hurts "you"... well that's true but have you considered what this has done to your wife? You might regret what you did for a day or two, but your W carries the scars forever, and abuse has a cumulative effect, so for her each event stacks more hurt on top of the previous damage. Have you ever been to counseling for this? What you describe above sure sounds like abusive behavior, and that needs to be addressed but it's outside the scope of these forums.
Thanks Rick. I realized today that part of what I loved about my wife was that she took care of so many little details. She is currently running the divorce process as quickly and efficiently as she would do our taxes and pay the bills. I am scared to be on my own again, even though I am a manager where I work and know I am capable of doing all of these things.
Today is the day she is going to her lawyer to get the final paperwork to give to me so I can sign it. She wants this over asap and has made it clear once we are divorced she will start looking for someone else who can meet all of her needs.
She had asked me a week ago if we could still be friends, and yesterday I told her I would like to be her friend (my DB coach recommended this). I asked her what she thought that friendship would mean and she said "not much" since apparently we never enjoyed any of the same things together and she always had a bad time with me. The negativity I am getting from her and the way she is looking back and describing every part of our marriage and relationship as awful is really the worst part of it. Even a few weeks ago I took her on a date to the lake and I thought she had a nice time, but she apparently didn't as of now.
I did tell her on the phone that she was right about my anger, and that I couldn't keep going on like that. She said it sounded like growth, but didn't seem interested and I didn't push it too much.
I am taking night classes to get a better job, and am going to stick with those and spend time with friends. I realized since I married so young and we were together since we were 18 that my identity was really tied up in her during this time. I am going to try to make friends again and get more involved in things and build more of a life for myself.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
My friend told me to give her a few months and she will come back. I have to believe she still cares about me in some way, but she's just so angry and hurt right now. She also isn't able to admit any of her role in this.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I know my anger is an issue. When I first started dating her I punched a wall on a few occasions (it wasn't regular but I know that doesn't make it ok).
I didn't have any angry type reactions for a few years until we were married. Then I broke a few of my cell phones when I got pissed off about her nagging me to have my phone on me all the time since she would call a lot. I would throw them on the ground and saw "there, now I can't answer the phone any more!"
I didn't break anything else until her EA. When I found out about it, I told her to leave and go to her mother's and I felt like I was losing control of everything. There were a few paintings that were love-themed and I broke them and threw them away. I did not do this in front of her, and I know, that doesn't make it ok.
When I found out her EA was still ongoing weeks later and she had left the house and I found emails between her and the other guy still I took her phone and threw it in the sink since it had internet on it and she had lied to me about getting rid of internet on her phone. And yes, I know this was not ok for me to do.
I guess the thing is I have always known it was wrong to hit someone or an animal in anger, a red line that can't be crossed, and I now realize that breaking something out of frustration or anger falls into that same category. Taking action due to anger is always a bad idea.
My W also has anger issues, and she has actually picked up scissors before as if to stab me with them when we would be arguing, and another time she chased me out of the house and threw a book at me because she thought I was looking at "demon information" on the computer.
The difference is that I am aware of what I did, and should never do again to anyone.
I am also a cynical person in a lot of ways, and I need to work on being more accepting of other people in general and not being critical or excluding them from my life.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I need to make better friends, since most of my friends think what I did wasn't a problem. That's part of the problem with going to friends about your problems; they are always on your side and you won't get objective feedback.
The first person to tell me that I had anger problems and was emotionally abusive (other than my wife who I didn't believe) was the DB coach. It was like a slap to the face and really made me think.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I have been talking to a counselor about the anger issues. It's a choice I can make with how I react to things. I don't know if I can always control my feelings, but I can control my actions. There have been a few times in this process where I was tempted to lash out and say something mean-spirited but i have learned to hold it in and the feeling passes.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
