Well, in terms of cleaning she will do it occasionally, but I wound up doing most of it toward the end.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
Magic anger issues got me here. It concerns me that you dismiss it so easily. When you say that you didn't hit her is like a racist saying "but I have a black friend". I can sit and type a list of complaints about my exw. She wasn't perfect either. It wouldn't help me change me if I did that. Your criticisms of her were probably more painful than a smack across the face. To her it was all too painful. Your controlling her diet was distasteful at best. We are considered passive/aggressive people. Once you get to know yourself you will be a much better man. You will like it. So my advice is to put that energy in picking your W apart onto yourself. It will serve you better.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I'm trying to do better. But you know what? She told me a bunch of stuff on the phone and I got angry again. ( ;
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
In the past anger has only hurt me and made things worse. I think my anger pushed her further away after her EA.
I didn't express anger on the phone with her today when she was talking. I have been very aware of it since starting the DB stuff. I am trying to learn to just listen.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
I used to think it was manly to be angry, btw. It's really not, just stupid.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
It sounds like you know you have a problem but lack self control in the moment. Have you ever had therapy for this problem? You should probably seek professional help, but in the meantime you could google self control anger management.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
"My wife used to be overweight and I would get controlling with her diet. I saw her as not making an effort here."
Really bad on your part.
"With anger I don't scream or yell a lot but I break things or hit walls when I'm pissed."
This is extremely serious. I'm surprised you didn't disclose this earlier.
"I got mad and said "ok" and threw my phone out the window. I did that with two separate phones, both cheap."
Doesn't matter how much they cost. It was very immature.
"When I found out about her EA I kicked her out of the house and ripped up a few of her paintings."
Wow you really know how to hurt her.
"When I found out a few weeks later she had talked to one of these guys again after she said she wouldn't, I threw her phone in the sink and turned on the water."
Immature again.
"I've never hit her though,"
And you think she should stay with you because of it?
"and there was a period of several years where I broke nothing."
You must be so proud.
"I have also sworn at her a few times during arguments, usually when I get scared and panic. "
So you get scared and take it out on someone else. Great way to handle stress.
I'm surprised you are surprised that your W left you. Sorry but those are pretty intense things you've done. I can see why she's fast tracking this. She sees a way out of an abusive relationship (yes it's abuse even if you didn't physically beat her) and is taking it.
What EXACTLY have you been doing so far to show you've changed?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm not proud of who I am. I am working on my anger issues.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
"Your criticisms of her were probably more painful than a smack across the face."
Brilliant. I can tell you, from my W's point of view, this rings true. From what she told me, especially right after moving out, when she was very angry. She was very hurt, for a very long time, by my tone, comments, etc.
I've heard from some other marriage expert (can't remember where - on the radio years ago) That contempt is one thing no M can withstand. My anger led to contempt.
