Attraction, oxytocin, and limerence

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Let me reiterate that it is given that the most important stuff for us to do is to work on ourselves, do our 180s, get a life, and make these changes lasting so that any relationship we have in the future will have a better chance than our last relationship.

Some of us are looking for a few extra tools. Some of us find ourselves in a place where our spouses no longer find us attractive and we are looking for ways to become more attractive. If we do a Google search on attraction all kinds of stuff comes up and we have to wade through it.

Here are the issues

Is there any science behind what these seduction community characters on the internet are selling? There is, but you have to wade through a bunch of crap and marketing to find it. If there is something, it is usually bundled so that there is 95% marketing and 5% substance.

Some of the stuff these guys advise doing is crap that they just make up. Other stuff is based on their own experiences and may or may not be legitimate. But some stuff is based on real research.

It comes from evolutionary psychology literature, interpersonal communication literature, body language experts, something called neuro linguistic programing…

Others could add to the list

Check out this article:

Oesch, N. & Miklousic, I. (2012). The dating mind: Evolutionary psychology and the emerging science of human courtship. Evolutionary Psychology, 10(5), 899-909.

Or if you want an overview read The Game, by Neil Strauss

Can these attraction gurus help us have lasting long-term relationships? Probably not. It doesn’t seem like these folks are interested in relationships. And from what I can tell, the ones that have tried have failed.

So there seems to be a gap that needs to be filled between attracting our wayward spouses back and doing the things we need to do get them to want to stick around. I am looking for help filling that gap.

I also am aware of the thinking that anything we do purely to get our spouse back and not to make a change to ourselves is counter production because it won’t be lasting and if our spouses think we are changing just to get them back, that in and of itself in unattractive. But becoming more attractive can be something we do for ourselves outside of us just wanting our spouses back.