Had a pretty good visit with IC today. I filled her in on the details of why W felt so starved of affection. Basically started from the beginning when we met, up to now. Spent the rest of the time discussing communicating.
Problem is, I've been pondering how to move beyond the daily texts, Skype and FB messages, and the friendly but platonic movie and TV watching and dinners out. But of course I am letting her lead. There's been no R talk at all - and no D talk since the initial paperwork a few weeks back - wihich was right before the "need you as a friend message.". My IC is really big on verbalizing everything. She thinks I need to tell W that I want to keep moving forward but that I'm happy to let her set the pace (I'm paraphrasing - I think she said it better).
I've been trying more subtle FB posts, like Mr. Bond suggested. She doesn't always "like" or comment my FB stuff, but she has a few times recently. I posted a line that I liked, from a book, about green eyes, that I know she'll understand to be about her, if she noticed it.
Tricky point - our anniversary is in 2 wks. How to acknowledge, without pressuring? Be romantic, but not overdo it? It's on a Monday, too, which isn't the best day for going out. I'm thinking of sending her flowers, and inviting her to a nice restaraunt in an old inn that she's shown an interest in but we've always put off actually going to.
I do appreciate the advice and responses I have gotten from Mr Bond, RL, LTH, Lefty... I'm sure there's more. It's just frustrating when some of the posts I watch, or the ones I see come up daily in the Active Topics have such lively, ongoing conversations.
Maybe I'm not participating enough in other's posts? I try to give advice where I can, but don't want to just repeat the same thing or give bad advice because I haven't experienced the same things as others.
I think in the beginning you were a bit argumentative and sarcastic and even I was planning to stop posting to you. As your sitch progressed, you actually sounded much more humble.
The thing is that even if you haven't experienced the EXACT things that others have, the feelings are the same and the scenarios are roughly so. Don't feel like you can't contribute. It's what makes this community so dynamic.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The weird thing is it's more recently that nobody seems to comment. :-/
Ah, well. I'll keep on keepin' on. I want to keep helping others. It feels good to help and to be helped. So, I'll keep checking the Active Topics, but it's hard to keep posting my own stuff with little or no feedback.
There's a lot of stuff right now that I could really use advice on. The upcoming anniversary. The time we have been spending together, and whether I should try to increase communication with W, or bring up R talk at this point, or just continue to let her initiate everything.
Have to tread carefully at this point so as not to derail all this good progress.
I'm new, and learning just by reading other's posts. As with yours. My W never moved out, but many similarities as with your sit. My two cents on Anniversary: give it a lot of thought. It IS tricky. I made the mistake of a heartfelt card. What would she want, given your understanding of her present cautiousness? What meaning do flowers have for her? Romance? Is that a message she's ready to recieve? Is there a gesture that acknowledges anno, appreciates friendship, and has just a touch of "future" to it if sees prepared to see it or that she can ignore if she's not ready at no cost to either of you? Something that's subtle and personal. I'd try to think about something that is a real interest/passion of hers. Good luck.
My IC is really big on verbalizing everything. She thinks I need to tell W that I want to keep moving forward but that I'm happy to let her set the pace
I personally do not agree with that idea. If you tell her you want to move forward in the "friendship", it will push your W away. Don't loose the ground you've gained.
I wouldn't send flowers on the anniversary, that's a little too much. Keep it as friends would. Nothing romantic. No inns or anything attached to a hotel.
Between now and then, just bring it up at a good time and ask her if she wants to do anything together that day. Let her lead by how she responds.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm glad sandi2 replied because I wasn't sure what advice to give you on the anniversary. I definitely think discussing your R (in any way) would be a bad idea right now.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
sandi2, I'm with you. Everything I read from MWD in DR and "Change Your Life..." about counselors applies to this one. Always wanting everything out there... The restaurant isn't really a working inn - no implication of anything but dinner out. But - I'll keep that one in reserve in case she does indicate wanting to move things forward at some point. We've been doing good going to dinner/movies, etc. I will just play it cool. I might invite her to dinner on the weekend, somewhere not so fancy , and not even mention the anniversary.
LTH, yeah. I let the IC put that bug in my head. I was fine with leaving that for W to broach if she desires.
whizzed, yep. It *is* tricky. One of the land mines in the minefield. :-)
Bond, I shall do my best to continue to help where and when I can.
That reminds me of some videos of MWD on YouTube - the subject was Guerrilla Divorce Busting. Basically it was about steering people towards DB, rather than being that well meaning friend that is so dangerous to troubled marriages. But we know that around here already, right? ;-)
