Calling AS!! Need some advice. W broke down in counseling about something today that I said. Told counselor this is what she was talking about in her "one on one" session. Said that I am such a good salesman and will just say what is needed at the moment.
I'm flattered that you thought of me on this subject I do like lovethehub's response to you. Just keep in mind what validating is and, maybe more importantly, is not. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ justifying. It is simply acknowledging. So in response to the above bolded part, you might reply "that sounds frustrating, is that how it makes you feel?" The goal is to get her to tell you her feelings. Your question about her being frustrated is not meant to lead her, it's meant to get her to talk about her feelings whether it's that or something else. So she might respond "no I'm not frustrated, but it makes me very angry." Your validating response would be something like "I can tell you're angry, and I understand why you feel that way. I don't want you to be angry, so let's talk about what I can do better in the future." In RetroV they teach you to explore the magnitude of feelings too, so if she says she's angry you would go on to talk about how angry it makes her feel by relating it to a scale of 1-10 or maybe a previous similar event (IE, does it make you as angry as when I yelled at you for wrecking the car? Something like that).
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She says, I'll say one thing in the heat of the moment and then another when discussed later.
The validating takes care of how she feels right now, but it's important to take her comment seriously and really look at yourself and evaluate what you're doing in the "heat of the moment" versus later. I assume she doesn't like how you're responding in the heat of the moment, and then when you respond more appropriately later she feels it's dishonest. If that's the case, figure out how you can change things up in the heat of the moment. Refresh yourself on this by reading DR again, Michele offers some great advice on this. I really loved the example she used of the two older people deciding they would only fight in the nude. When they would start fighting they would start stripping, and by the time they were naked they would be laughing so hard they could no longer fight! That's awesome!
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Because of this she feels like she can't come to me with emotional issues sometimes. How do I do better at validating concerns?
By changing YOU. You can effect changes in her by changing yourself. Do something to change the dynamics of arguments. Diffuse the situation. I've done exactly that, I used to be a real hothead when people would push my buttons and now I'm not, I've learned to turn arguments into conversations. If I can do it anyone can!!
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I am genuinely concerned about whatever is bothering her and want to be there for her, but because of past behavior on my part she is having a hard time trusting that yet
Be patient. Work on the above, and give her time to come around. Good luck!
I do like lovethehub's response to you. Just keep in mind what validating is and, maybe more importantly, is not. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ arguing/ justifying. It is simply acknowledging. So in response to the above bolded part, you might reply "that sounds frustrating, is that how it makes you feel?" The goal is to get her to tell you her feelings. Your question about her being frustrated is not meant to lead her, it's meant to get her to talk about her feelings whether it's that or something else. So she might respond "no I'm not frustrated, but it makes me very angry." Your validating response would be something like "I can tell you're angry, and I understand why you feel that way. I don't want you to be angry, so let's talk about what I can do better in the future." In RetroV they teach you to explore the magnitude of feelings too, so if she says she's angry you would go on to talk about how angry it makes her feel by relating it to a scale of 1-10 or maybe a previous similar event (IE, does it make you as angry as when I yelled at you for wrecking the car? Something like that). 