I have talked W to before, and she wanted a dissolution. I refused because I said that would legally be me admitting our marriage was a mistake and over; I can't in good conscience do that. Also, I have very good legal representation.
The grounds are a joke; I could easily turn around and file the exact same grounds on her, and have better proof.
She is trying to scare me into mediation or a dissolution. My only concern is that she has friends that would willing go to court and lie under oath for her, so I'm going to have to proceed carefully.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@MrBond - she is still talking to him, although I've noticed a huge reduction in the contact. It's maybe 2 texts a day, maybe one or two 2-3 minute phone calls. While it's certainly still contact, seems like pretty light contact for a sordid affair. At this point, it would be extremely difficult for her to carry on a PA as she's living with friends, and she has our D10 and S5 fulltime, so any specific "outside" time would be really obvious.
Although, I kinda quit looking a couple of days ago, because I realized I didn't care. I had female friends I was deeply close to that I never would have considered anything not platonic. I received advice from a close friend that said if you don't have proof, then stop wondering. Don't be an idiot and blind, but don't fret and worry yourself sick. If the truth comes out it was an affair, her entire family, friends, church, past friends - everyone will be all over her, and I won't have to say a word!
@NTX - Ohio.
------------------------------------------------ Interesting exchange today: my XW from my first time here in 2009 is now a pretty good friend. Very respectful of me, thinks I'm a great dad, etc. She found out about W's EA or whatever it is, and was disgusted. (Although she started dating before our divorce was final - go figure) She has allowed my two stepkids to come down and visit our kids at her house many times. W has actually confided in XW - probably not a good scenario for me! Anyway, XW said no more of it - she is just fed up with W because I have taken VERY good care of W, and she turns around and does this crap.
Just a bit ago, W texted me and asked if the kids could meet at XW. I told her that XW has decided to "stay out of the middle" and W blew up. I didn't tell W that XW knew about the EA and all that, just was nice. W blamed me, said I always let XW butt into our business, and so on. I said, "I'm sorry you're upset", and said nothing else. W then sent a big long text about how she should have expected this from me, and it was a culture that I cultivated, and I should demand respect, and it was typical, and she's "done".
I responded asking her exactly how she would like me to respond: when an adult that I have no control over makes a decision? I reminded her I have been respecting her feelings, giving her space, honoring her, and in return, I get "this it typical, I'm done".
Well, what a difference a day makes. The family W has been staying with has been unbelievably kind and gracious to her; more so than I can believe sometimes.
The husband just finally revealed to me that W has been leaving at night, dumping my step-kids on them, and disappearing to the "store" and other things. She doesn't even ask if it's OK, just disappears. She even left them alone several times - a just turned 10 year old (who is very immature) and a 5 year old.
Unfortunately, this was the final piece of evidence that was missing - because up until this point, my belief was that there wasn't significant time being spent together.
I took some time to seek the counsel of friends, spent some time considering, and called and offered to sign W's dissolution. It's bittersweet. I had the most fantastic day today, and I was really starting to detach - even after just 3.5 weeks. My stomach was punched for awhile with this news, but I'm back to feeling better.
However, I'm done at this point. What I discovered from DBing in my first marriage is I'm not always right and I had to make several changes. My efforts failed, but the results ended up in my XW and I having a great co-parenting relationship, and she respects me and really believes in me as a person. It also proved to me that what XW said about me wasn't nearly as true as she thought it to be.
I don't care if this follows the rules, but I called W, told her I felt sad and betrayed, and with the evidence of the affair, I would sign her dissolution. Maybe it isn't the entirely right way to handle, but I don't share my wife. She responded with "Whatever". Then she said, "Everything you've been doing (DBing) for the last 6 weeks has been an act!"
I ended it with this: "Everything about me for the last 6 weeks has been the most genuine and pure thing I've ever done; while you spun a web of lies that you didn't even bother to cover up. You will never take that away from me; don't say it again. You have what you've wanted. Good bye"
And with that, ends my saga. I appreciate all those who have given comments and advice on my short thread; good luck to all of you!
If you sign the dissolution, then there's no division of assets or spousal support, correct?
If that's the case, sign it and be thankful.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Yeah, that is exactly the case with the dissolution - she only asked for her grandmother's piano. I'm not a bit worried about the full divorce case - she wouldn't get a thing - but I'd spend on legal fees, and have to sit in a public court and air out all her dirty laundry, and I want to leave with my dignity and actions intact.
W texted me this morning, and I just had to laugh. She said, "You have nothing to be mad about. I am not sleeping with anyone, and I haven't even come close. You're being ridiculous"
Apparently, you can ditch your marriage, spend a bunch of time with a guy, and leave everyone around you - and as long as you're not having sex, I shouldn't be mad!
I had doubts about the DB methods, and flirted off and on with the methods on here for a year while separated. It's actually when I really did check out and go dark that things made a dramatic turn around in my sitch. In fact, I went from wanting to fix things to wanted to end it. When my WAS wanted to come back, I really had to think long and hard about it.
From her text to you today I can tell she's not done, and that she's worried that you are done. So just minimize contact and stay as dark as you can. Focus on yourself and try to make yourself happy.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
@NTX_Dad - It's funny that I've struggled with "going dark" for a long time, much longer than the week or so I've been on here, but now I can't WAIT for it.
As far as her comments, I finally did respond and reminded her she blatantly lied about our "intimate moments" just a couple weeks ago, so how was I supposed to believe anything she said? She responded that she was just mad when she denied it, and again, I was being ridiculous. I didn't respond to that, and not sure that I will respond to anything else.
No response to my offer to sign dissolution... I'm going to have to follow up at some point because I now have 27 days to respond to the divorce filing, and I have to determine how to do that with legal counsel, but it will be guns blazing.
Anyway, XW said no more of it - she is just fed up with W because I have taken VERY good care of W, and she turns around and does this crap.