One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[labug]

Thoughts

Family
- Spend time with kids and make weekends as fun filled as possible. It's S3's birthday next Wednesday, I might be going there for it in the morning I might not. I will be there if I can. Either way I am having a little party for him at my M's house and asked the kids I know if they want to come. The trampoline is there which S3 is obsessed with and the there's a ride on car that S1 loves too.
He wants a vanilla sponge cake with chocolate on so that's what he is getting.
I will give him his presents on Saturday so I can spend the weekend seeing him enjoy them.
I don't have a lot of money to spend on him but I have got him a selection he should enjoy. The book that we read before bed every night for the last 6 months I have got him a soft toy version of the main character. I can't wait for him to see it and read the book together (for the 450th time )

A great gift, because it shows you're thinking of him and what he enjoys. Kids would rather have your time over your money any day.

Christmas, I'm worried about this. I know W has paid for most of the trip she planned. All xmas week she will be there with just the kids and maybe her parents or possibly even OM. I know it's 4 months off yet. In the last 4 months W has attempted to come back to me 2-3 times so who knows what is going to happen but the thought of spending Christmas alone or at my parents I find really upsetting to think about.

Put your crystal ball away. Start planning something that will get your mind off your troubles. You have control of you.

Me
- GAL. I've had a couple of decent GAL experiences over the last few months but they are few and far between. There's not a lot to do in my area other than go out drinking Fri/Sat night. I've never been keen on it but I have pushed myself to do this but it's not the GAL I want to be doing.

Look on meet-up dot com, learn a new hobby or sport, take up running or walking or ... something.

That's another reason why I'm thinking of going on (or attempting to) a few dates. It will GAL, boost my confidence and hopefully give me more of a perspective. I also know from past experiences the longer I leave it the harder it will be for me to start.
Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

My thought is, it's very difficult to start a new R when you haven't ended the previous R, haven't healed from the previous R. People do it all the time, which could explain the 67% D rate for second marriages. We don't learn from our mistakes, we just try to feel better.

- I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house.Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.

If you want the pics down, take them down. Looking to your W for what you should or shouldn't do is what's keeping you stuck.

- I'm going to knuckle down at work more and be the employee I would want to hire.

- I will keep working on my appearance and my own style that I'm happy with.

Financial
- I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

- I want to hand of W's car insurance to her. I will give her the money that I pay monthly and she can sort her own out. It's currently under my insurance with me as the main driver and being parked at my house overnight. This is obviously not the case and I think is illegal. I will have some driving convictions coming quite soon too which will make the price rise considerably. W's car will also need taxing and MOT'ing this month. I imagine she will ask for help with that, whether I was willing to or not (should I, it could be argued this is how she gets the kids about) it's not something I can financially afford right now and will have to refuse.

- I have been taking every Friday afternoon off work for the last 14 months now (working the few extra hours at other times). I can't see me doing this much longer. I want to share some of the driving with W. If I have the kids 3 out every 4 weeks and she does one of the weekends worth of driving I will only have to take half the amount of afternoons off.

I imagine quite a bit of this will make W spew molten lava but I believe it's time to start sharing these responsibilities out somewhat. This isn't to punish W. Like the car insurance and kids at the weekend I think it's time for me to stop bearing all these responsibilities.

Wife
- Erm...

- Let her live her own life without support from me unless it's specifically about the kids. Even though this should have happened a long time ago it hasn't with the driving, money and weekends.

- Any chance of her coming back and actually putting the effort in feels slim but it always has done. I don't think she ever really got to the humility stage Sandi talked about weeks ago. IF there is a next time instead of her saying lets try and me doing the work (sorting out MC, Retrouvaille, dates etc.) that will be her job. She didn't want it enough, not long term. In my opinion I think she wanted to repair our relationship by pretending it was a new one and for me to get all giddy at the beginning but I had been hurt too much for that.

Take off your mind-reading hat.

You need to work together with her to figure out the money thing don't not involve her because you're afraid she'll spew.

You can do this.

[T1000]

T,

Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

I would go with my own judgment on this but if you can use my opinion I believe that if I find myself in your shoes in the future I will date. You have to do this for you and not to hurt W, but as I read your posts you find yourself moving towards this POV quickly these days.
Dating doesn’t necessarily include sex!
(Before W I did some online dating and had a blast doing this – it’s easy and since I am not the big dater this was much more comfortable to me. Let me know if I should post a little about this.)

I started internet dating (signed up about 9 years ago). For the 1st year or so I got nowhere. After reading and learning from David DeAngelo I created a good online profile and had a great opener for the 1st message and it all changed.
I actually met my W online, it wasn't a dating site, it was more like FB at the time but I used it like a dating site.

I've always had a total block on asking women out face to face. It's something I would like to get over.

I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house. Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids. I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.

I have done this and followed it up by getting rid of a lot of things bought by W or me and W together. She is not totally out the house but almost and this makes me feel much better at home.
Get the pictures done and work through the house! Get footprint and handprints from children and so on – make it a home for you and your children. That’s your family right now!
Don’t throw Ws stuff in the bin. Pack it in a bow and put it away – don’t give it to her if she doesn’t ask!

Thats a good idea, saves me trying sort out her stuff and give it to her.

[T1000]

Christmas, I'm worried about this. I know W has paid for most of the trip she planned. All xmas week she will be there with just the kids and maybe her parents or possibly even OM. I know it's 4 months off yet. In the last 4 months W has attempted to come back to me 2-3 times so who knows what is going to happen but the thought of spending Christmas alone or at my parents I find really upsetting to think about.

Put your crystal ball away. Start planning something that will get your mind off your troubles. You have control of you.

You mean of my troubles now or planning something for xmas?

Me
- GAL. I've had a couple of decent GAL experiences over the last few months but they are few and far between. There's not a lot to do in my area other than go out drinking Fri/Sat night. I've never been keen on it but I have pushed myself to do this but it's not the GAL I want to be doing.

Look on meet-up dot com, learn a new hobby or sport, take up running or walking or ... something.

That's another reason why I'm thinking of going on (or attempting to) a few dates. It will GAL, boost my confidence and hopefully give me more of a perspective. I also know from past experiences the longer I leave it the harder it will be for me to start.
Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

My thought is, it's very difficult to start a new R when you haven't ended the previous R, haven't healed from the previous R. People do it all the time, which could explain the 67% D rate for second marriages. We don't learn from our mistakes, we just try to feel better.

I've tried meet up a few times but nothing in my area (literally nothing). If I open it up and be willing to do an hour there an hour back it gave me 5 things. One was for some business owners, 2 for women, 1 for singles and 1 for some hill walking.
Slim pickings.

I don't want an R, I want to experience the life I never had during my twenties. Have some fun. Between 22 and 30 I never dated a single person.

- I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house.Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.

If you want the pics down, take them down. Looking to your W for what you should or shouldn't do is what's keeping you stuck.

I wasn't looking to her for what I would or wouldn't do. Every time I went take them down something else happened and I didn't feel the need to. I'm going to do it anyway now.

- I'm going to knuckle down at work more and be the employee I would want to hire.

- I will keep working on my appearance and my own style that I'm happy with.

Financial
- I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

- I want to hand of W's car insurance to her. I will give her the money that I pay monthly and she can sort her own out. It's currently under my insurance with me as the main driver and being parked at my house overnight. This is obviously not the case and I think is illegal. I will have some driving convictions coming quite soon too which will make the price rise considerably. W's car will also need taxing and MOT'ing this month. I imagine she will ask for help with that, whether I was willing to or not (should I, it could be argued this is how she gets the kids about) it's not something I can financially afford right now and will have to refuse.

- I have been taking every Friday afternoon off work for the last 14 months now (working the few extra hours at other times). I can't see me doing this much longer. I want to share some of the driving with W. If I have the kids 3 out every 4 weeks and she does one of the weekends worth of driving I will only have to take half the amount of afternoons off.

I imagine quite a bit of this will make W spew molten lava but I believe it's time to start sharing these responsibilities out somewhat. This isn't to punish W. Like the car insurance and kids at the weekend I think it's time for me to stop bearing all these responsibilities.

Wife
- Erm...

- Let her live her own life without support from me unless it's specifically about the kids. Even though this should have happened a long time ago it hasn't with the driving, money and weekends.

- Any chance of her coming back and actually putting the effort in feels slim but it always has done. I don't think she ever really got to the humility stage Sandi talked about weeks ago. IF there is a next time instead of her saying lets try and me doing the work (sorting out MC, Retrouvaille, dates etc.) that will be her job. She didn't want it enough, not long term. In my opinion I think she wanted to repair our relationship by pretending it was a new one and for me to get all giddy at the beginning but I had been hurt too much for that.

Take off your mind-reading hat.

You need to work together with her to figure out the money thing don't not involve her because you're afraid she'll spew.

You can do this.

I will involve her and I'm not afraid of the spew. There's not much to figure out either. The driving can be talked about but the insurance and the lending of money is going to happen whether she spews or agrees.

[T1000]

My brother just text me and said theres a picture of W on FB with some guy.
I went to have a look. W had blocked me. Sent up a fake account in about 5 seconds and had a look.

At first my heart was pounding and then after I saw I was OK, then fine and then, whatever...

He has the tattoos she likes and he obviously works out but jeez he's no looker at all. I was expecting some classy, good looking guy with a tan and nice hair.

I wanted to text W but I didn't. I wanted to leave a comment with the fake account like "Weren't you working on your marriage a week ago?" but I didn't.

I went on my FB and wrote "lets consider that barrel completely scraped". I know I shouldn't have done. It was passive aggressive and childish.

W messaged me within 5 minutes:
"Now it's taking to slagging me off?"

Considering she has blocked me, word must have travelled fast.

I was doing a job today at work and I was totally gutting the place. My brother came to the rescue and put on my FB. "It should be you spent all day on it". So it looks lie we were chatting about work.

I haven't responded to W, gonna leave it a little while.


That teaches me to try and be clever or not so clever.

Anyway I'm a bit angry about W and OM but also it's her life and she can do what she chooses. In a way I feel like I can start living mine a bit more now. As if it's that bit more real.

[T1000]

W sent me a tirade of abuse.


I was wrong to do that on FB.
I never named names so even though it was about her she has no proof.


I was going to reply but I thought it's best not to especially after what she called me. The way she feels about me is the way I feel about her. We hate each other.

[sandi2]

@ Sandi
Any mental issues aside do you think that W right now is the same as any other WAW?
or worse because of recent events
or is that just part of this nightmare?

Remember when LovetheHub told you (when the subject of bi-polar came up)that she did the same things as your W? She sat in MC, agreeing to their faces but thinking of her plans with OM.

There are common things with WAW's, as is evident by reading the threads here on this board. All the things you've told us sounds like more of the same symptoms of a WAW, who is not ready to do what's required to restore the M. She's not ready to be a wife, period! She enjoys the excitement of new dates with the next new guy.

I know we only have your side of the story, but I see a great deal of selfishness and immaturity in her. She seems to have a lot of issues with what she expects from you, but she wants to do all the taking and no giving in return.

I would not say she is worse, due to resent events. You just happened to uncover one of the "events" (OM). Who knows what else she's kept from you. No, I wouldn't say she's made a turn for any worse than she was.....she just never really was in the place you thought you saw.

And, I said all of that putting any mental issues aside.

Take one day at a time, T. Don't make decisions about weeks to come. Take it slow. I think you may need a weekend to GAL and get your head cleared. Don't start worrying about Christmas and things along those lines. It gets you so messed up until you don't know what to think or feel. That is inviting trouble.

She has not had to keep two little kids all by herself, without you going down there to rescue her every week for 14 months? The next time you think she's reaching out, ask yourself if she's just wanting a babysitter. Sorry if I'm too blunt, but she just about makes me see sparks.

[sandi2]

I was going to reply but I thought it's best not to especially after what she called me. The way she feels about me is the way I feel about her.

Please don't acknowledge her remarks.

For all you know, she has fake accounts watching your FB.

She tells you how wrong you are, but she thinks it's perfectly fine to put a picture of her and OM up for the world to see. I guarantee you she would be ready to file papers if she heard you even talked to another woman. Just like she responded when your mother kept the kids while you were at work that time.

Things will never be equal in her world. What is fine for her to do.....does not apply to you, in her way of thinking.

The best way to handle it is to stop looking at her FB and don't reply to her messages. Don't give her the satisfaction that it bothers you....and certainly not let her know you went under a false name to take a look.

You are better, higher, and deserve much more.

[AnotherStander]

My ex's OW, now wife is like 40 lbs heavier than me, older than hth of us and just straight up unattractive. They usually " affair down"

My W's OM has a beer gut, pasty white complexion and radar ears that are HUGE and stick straight out from his head. He's a nice guy, but he is such a goober it's unbelievable. Not to toot my own horn (OK, maybe a little, LOL!) but I'm in the shape of my life- washboard abs, beefy pecs, shapely arms, nice tan, etc. And dammit, I'm a super-nice guy too, a hard worker and have a great-paying job! Like you said, OP is almost always a step down, it's one of the mysteries of WAS affairs. Seems that the only selling point that really matters to a WAS is that the new OP is not the LBS.

[AnotherStander]

I went on my FB and wrote "lets consider that barrel completely scraped". I know I shouldn't have done. It was passive aggressive and childish.

I know that desire to lash out, I've had to fight it so many times. But let me tell you, I am SO much happier that I've resisted because instead of aggravating the sitch, when we don't react it helps US bounce back more quickly. Always, ALWAYS take the moral high road. Why do you think your W blocked you and posted that pic? She WANTED to get a rise out of you. You played right into her hands. Like Sandi said, quit reacting. In the future when she pokes you with a pointy stick (and she will), remember the lesson you learned this time.

[T1000]

My ex's OW, now wife is like 40 lbs heavier than me, older than hth of us and just straight up unattractive. They usually " affair down"

My W's OM has a beer gut, pasty white complexion and radar ears that are HUGE and stick straight out from his head. He's a nice guy, but he is such a goober it's unbelievable. Not to toot my own horn (OK, maybe a little, LOL!) but I'm in the shape of my life- washboard abs, beefy pecs, shapely arms, nice tan, etc. And dammit, I'm a super-nice guy too, a hard worker and have a great-paying job! Like you said, OP is almost always a step down, it's one of the mysteries of WAS affairs. Seems that the only selling point that really matters to a WAS is that the new OP is not the LBS.

In a way i was always punching above my weight with my W. She is a 8.5 or a 9 on a good day. I'm 7-8. OM is maybe 5 with a paper bag over his head.