One giant leap forward! - Part 5

[T1000]

Christmas, I'm worried about this. I know W has paid for most of the trip she planned. All xmas week she will be there with just the kids and maybe her parents or possibly even OM. I know it's 4 months off yet. In the last 4 months W has attempted to come back to me 2-3 times so who knows what is going to happen but the thought of spending Christmas alone or at my parents I find really upsetting to think about.

Put your crystal ball away. Start planning something that will get your mind off your troubles. You have control of you.

You mean of my troubles now or planning something for xmas?

Me
- GAL. I've had a couple of decent GAL experiences over the last few months but they are few and far between. There's not a lot to do in my area other than go out drinking Fri/Sat night. I've never been keen on it but I have pushed myself to do this but it's not the GAL I want to be doing.

Look on meet-up dot com, learn a new hobby or sport, take up running or walking or ... something.

That's another reason why I'm thinking of going on (or attempting to) a few dates. It will GAL, boost my confidence and hopefully give me more of a perspective. I also know from past experiences the longer I leave it the harder it will be for me to start.
Dating isn't really approved here in DB. What are others thoughts on this?

My thought is, it's very difficult to start a new R when you haven't ended the previous R, haven't healed from the previous R. People do it all the time, which could explain the 67% D rate for second marriages. We don't learn from our mistakes, we just try to feel better.

I've tried meet up a few times but nothing in my area (literally nothing). If I open it up and be willing to do an hour there an hour back it gave me 5 things. One was for some business owners, 2 for women, 1 for singles and 1 for some hill walking.
Slim pickings.

I don't want an R, I want to experience the life I never had during my twenties. Have some fun. Between 22 and 30 I never dated a single person.

- I really need to get all pictures (or most of them) off the walls in the house.Every time I have gone to do it W has come back to a certain degree and I haven't followed through. The stairs is covered with family, wedding, honeymoon pics and I can't stand to see them. I will keep some for the kids I will get a load of me and the kids printed and stick them in the frames instead.

If you want the pics down, take them down. Looking to your W for what you should or shouldn't do is what's keeping you stuck.

I wasn't looking to her for what I would or wouldn't do. Every time I went take them down something else happened and I didn't feel the need to. I'm going to do it anyway now.

- I'm going to knuckle down at work more and be the employee I would want to hire.

- I will keep working on my appearance and my own style that I'm happy with.

Financial
- I'm looking to take the house off the market.
The only reason for selling the house would be to move to where W lives, D or expense.
I want to remortgage so I can be comfortable financially, get out of of debt even if just a little bit so I can buy the kids clothes and furniture. Do things with them. The last few weekends I have spent money I didn't really have to spend so we could do things and what a difference it makes.

- I want to hand of W's car insurance to her. I will give her the money that I pay monthly and she can sort her own out. It's currently under my insurance with me as the main driver and being parked at my house overnight. This is obviously not the case and I think is illegal. I will have some driving convictions coming quite soon too which will make the price rise considerably. W's car will also need taxing and MOT'ing this month. I imagine she will ask for help with that, whether I was willing to or not (should I, it could be argued this is how she gets the kids about) it's not something I can financially afford right now and will have to refuse.

- I have been taking every Friday afternoon off work for the last 14 months now (working the few extra hours at other times). I can't see me doing this much longer. I want to share some of the driving with W. If I have the kids 3 out every 4 weeks and she does one of the weekends worth of driving I will only have to take half the amount of afternoons off.

I imagine quite a bit of this will make W spew molten lava but I believe it's time to start sharing these responsibilities out somewhat. This isn't to punish W. Like the car insurance and kids at the weekend I think it's time for me to stop bearing all these responsibilities.

Wife
- Erm...

- Let her live her own life without support from me unless it's specifically about the kids. Even though this should have happened a long time ago it hasn't with the driving, money and weekends.

- Any chance of her coming back and actually putting the effort in feels slim but it always has done. I don't think she ever really got to the humility stage Sandi talked about weeks ago. IF there is a next time instead of her saying lets try and me doing the work (sorting out MC, Retrouvaille, dates etc.) that will be her job. She didn't want it enough, not long term. In my opinion I think she wanted to repair our relationship by pretending it was a new one and for me to get all giddy at the beginning but I had been hurt too much for that.

Take off your mind-reading hat.

You need to work together with her to figure out the money thing don't not involve her because you're afraid she'll spew.

You can do this.

I will involve her and I'm not afraid of the spew. There's not much to figure out either. The driving can be talked about but the insurance and the lending of money is going to happen whether she spews or agrees.