DD, I empathize. I'm pretty new here. Suggestions that have helped me when I "can't take it anymore and want to tell W to take her lies and cheating out of my f-ing life!!!!" (but, discordantly, want desperately to create a loving marriage with her):
--I printed out and frequently reread core 37 DBing approaches, especially when I lapse into anger/resentment/future-telling about W's EA and secrets. I'm doing a tiny bit better each day internalizing DBing, and reading rules settles my stomach and saves me from myself, acting on gut "feelings" instead of thinking with my head.
--Dbing is working for me: Think I'm SLOWLY looking like the better choice. You can too! Keep reminding your thinking self that this will, OF COURSE, take time and you need to be PATIENT. And stop worrying about her every move. You are letting her remote control you. Take your power back, man. Helps me.
--Re-read tootrusting above! If your goal is to save marriage, then cornering her by revealing that you've been SPYING on her will take you miles down the road away from your goal. I did once and it went INSANE, and I regretted. I know others recc exposing, but I would only do it after VERY well considered last resort/line in sand ultimatum. My opinion.
--STOP the spying. I know of what I speak. I'm two weeks into going cold turkey after months of panicky checking phone, records, pursue, drawers, buying internet phone/people searches, etc. Know what that got ME: Nothing but grotesque, lonely heartache and depression. Know what it did to her, NOTHING, except making me look like a pathetic, sulky, angry imp. STOP SPYING=stop hurting YOURSELF. It's self abuse. You know something's going on, and the details will be you driving the knife deeper. Also, I learned that I myself read my worst fears into every little thing I "discovered". Horrible way to live. Now that I stopped, I feel proud and strong that got off SPY CRACK.
My two cents from struggling DB DR novice, who's starting to learn a few lessons.
