No problem. I think we all want the same thing, but our perspectives are tempered by our personalities, experiences, opinions and specific situations.
SM34 - I don't reveal my secrets. My W knows that I want our relationship healed, and it's no secret. I think my situation is a bit different in that my W filed and moved out in a fit of anger - and I think she regrets it, but doesn't want to appear weak. So my plan is basically to respond to her divorce (while waiting the entire 28 day waiting period), deny everything, and hand it back over to her. When she is tasked with doing all the work, spending all the money, investing all the time - now that the anger has dissipated, she's going to feel more and more foolish. Alongside that I'm going to be reaching out VERY occasionally, showing love in a way I know will be significant to her, but not oppressive. Also, she is taking on significantly more financial burden than she can afford - doesn't even have a job yet, and can't find one. She is probably going to have to take a job working retail - working nights and weekends, and she hates it, so that's going to add even more to it.
I do agree that there needs to be significant time and space, but in my situation it has to be sprinkled very carefully with signs of love, change, and commitment. I won't be available for every whim, or hand over cash, but I will give support in certain ways.
For example, last week, W texted me she had to get some tests run so couldn't call me when she had promised. I asked her what was up and she responded "Don't worry about it, it's not your concern anymore." I dropped it. This week, I asked her what was going on with the tests so I could pray for her. She told me what was up, it wasn't horribly serious, but said she hadn't told anyone else, and asked me not to tell. What I take away is that because I showed genuine concern, she opened up to me, and shared with me something she hadn't shared with anyone else. I told her that I'm sure it was hard, and ended it. So I made a positive touch, received a positive (or non-negative) response, and left her with that.
One other situation I'm excited about - I tend to be very distracted and forget stuff a lot; probably ADD. W has always been hurt because I will often forget something she asks me to get, and in her mind, this equates to me not caring about her.
I had bought her a birthday present back in March, and it didn't work. I mentioned previously that I'm really bad at birthdays, and I actually messed this one up bad, so I told W that I would replace the present that didn't work. She told me before the big bomb that her favorite thing in the world is Dairy Queen ice cream cakes. So when I take her the replacement present, I'm going to have an ice cream cake to go with it. This accomplishes two things: first, it will replace sort of a bad memory of the birthday with a nice non-romantic gesture. Secondly, she'll know that I listened when she said she liked that type of cake. Also, I will turn and leave - I'm not gonna hang around and try to get a hug or eat some of it. Zero expectations.
To me, this is the fine line between going dark and smothering/begging. It is a nice gesture, a positive action to go along with words, since as we know, words are cheap. It is not relationship talk, divorce talk, romantic, something that reminds her of us, etc. So while W goes into debt, deals with being a single mom, tries to find a job, etc, I will be a positive influence.
W has always been hurt because I will often forget something she asks me to get, and in her mind, this equates to me not caring about her.