Separated, D filed, possible emotional affair

[MagicJack]

On this topic I am going through a similar situation with my wife where two weeks ago she had told me that she would never divorce me and was basically committed to me, and after a bad weekend that started 10 days ago she since moved out of the apartment and into a new apartment I don't have the address to, and told me not to contact her, or her friends or family, and she was going to divorce me. From what other people including my former landlady has described she has been completely beside herself with fear and anxiety and does not appear to be someone calculating to go sleep with some guy.

She's basically told me that she can no longer stand to be with me due to lack of trust, me never loving her, being afraid of me due to my anger, the typical WAW laundry list. She is currently filing D paperwork, but has at least stopped being so visibly furious and has become more polite now that I am talking to her about the D and how to move forward. I think that has been my 180, to embrace this as opposed to running from it.

I spoke with a DB coach who told me to not get in the way of the D and to even "partner" with her in the process. He told me that the marriage between my W and I is gone, and my best bet would basically be to work on things after the D by being her friend and see if she comes back around when she eventually realizes I can change and I am not a bad guy.

I never would have said this a few months ago, but you need to be supportive of her with whatever decision she is making (other than an affair) and give her space/time to think and calm down.

I keep looking for data/threads on numbers of walk away wives who decide to come back and reconcile, and the timetables for this, and can't seem to find anything.

[JayMan]

I posted earlier about this - I actually have a very close friend that left his wife for another woman for about 1 year, 9 mo - even got a full-sleeve tattoo designed by the other woman. His wife stayed, and he eventually got tired of her, and came back.

Another couple I know - same deal, guy left for approximately 2 years, but came back; they're so in love they're almost too mushy, and it's 5 years later.

I don't know of any women who left that ever came back, but I don't know as many situations, either. I think women tend to become more emotionally hurt and walled off. My ex-wife was also a WAW (6.5 years ago), and although I wouldn't consider re-uniting with her, she respects me, defends me, thinks I'm the best dad in the world, even says now that the things she took so wrong back then were probably skewed in her mind.

[MrBond]

SM34,

After all this time you still don't get it.

There's no problem with you helping out. The issue is that you keep dropping these "facts" from internet "gurus" that supposedly give you a quick roadmap to understanding women or seduction techniques, etc.

Even the woman who you quoted the book from was arrested for fraud.

It wouldn't be too bad if you actually started reading things from the Gottman Institute or an actual counselor with a degree and patients, rather than a person sitting at home trying to make a quick buck.

I mean, to be honest, has your M been saved because of these things you've learned? There is no quick fix.

If you believe everything you read on the internet, I have a bridge to sell you.

[SM34]

MrBond, you are definitely right in that there is no quick fix.

The process of repairing a marriage is definitely a long process. I was just wanting to offer John a different perspective and help facilitate some different behavior.

Im seeing a lot of WAS looking back only when the other drops the rope so its important that we address the question of whether it is beneficial to tell the WAS things that make them believe they have an unlimited amount of time to mull it over.

The DB way of working in yourself and acting as if, is designed to make the WAS feel that you are moving on. This gets them to think and puts the pressure on for them to decide. I know this is not a ploy, believe me. I myself am a big fan of loving support of the WAS and through this I feel I am quite close to saving my marriage too.

But it took me a long time to get to a place where I felt I could move on. And at that point, my wife has been slowly tightening her grip on her side of the rope. So Im just trying to save John from drawing it out longer than it has to, and perhaps I am wrong (wouldnt be the first time lol) but I think the sooner you give the impression you MIGHT be liking the idea of moving on, the quicker your WAS might start the serious thinking.

Just my opinion.

[SM34]

MrBond, you are definitely right in that there is no quick fix.

The process of repairing a marriage is definitely a long process. I was just wanting to offer John a different perspective and help facilitate some different behavior.

Im seeing a lot of WAS looking back only when the other drops the rope so its important that we address the question of whether it is beneficial to tell the WAS things that make them believe they have an unlimited amount of time to mull it over.

The DB way of working in yourself and acting as if, is designed to make the WAS feel that you are moving on. This gets them to think and puts the pressure on for them to decide. I know this is not a ploy, believe me. I myself am a big fan of loving support of the WAS and through this I feel I am quite close to saving my marriage too.

But it took me a long time to get to a place where I felt I could move on. And at that point, my wife has been slowly tightening her grip on her side of the rope. So Im just trying to save John from drawing it out longer than it has to, and perhaps I am wrong (wouldnt be the first time lol) but I think the sooner you give the impression you MIGHT be liking the idea of moving on, the quicker your WAS might start the serious thinking.

Just my opinion.

[MrBond]

"Im seeing a lot of WAS looking back only when the other drops the rope so its important that we address the question of whether it is beneficial to tell the WAS things that make them believe they have an unlimited amount of time to mull it over."

Then just say so. The problem is you STILL lecture people with "facts" from non-professional sources and talk about them as if they were gospel.

That's what put off alot of people to your posts.

Sorry for the hijack Jon.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Jon, just to answer your statement about women coming back, there is one on this form that gives pretty good advice, and perspective from the WAW side of things. Its flipped for her now as she's now the LBS. I think its lovethehub thou. check out some of her posts.

[JayMan]

No problem. I think we all want the same thing, but our perspectives are tempered by our personalities, experiences, opinions and specific situations.

SM34 - I don't reveal my secrets. My W knows that I want our relationship healed, and it's no secret. I think my situation is a bit different in that my W filed and moved out in a fit of anger - and I think she regrets it, but doesn't want to appear weak. So my plan is basically to respond to her divorce (while waiting the entire 28 day waiting period), deny everything, and hand it back over to her. When she is tasked with doing all the work, spending all the money, investing all the time - now that the anger has dissipated, she's going to feel more and more foolish. Alongside that I'm going to be reaching out VERY occasionally, showing love in a way I know will be significant to her, but not oppressive. Also, she is taking on significantly more financial burden than she can afford - doesn't even have a job yet, and can't find one. She is probably going to have to take a job working retail - working nights and weekends, and she hates it, so that's going to add even more to it.

I do agree that there needs to be significant time and space, but in my situation it has to be sprinkled very carefully with signs of love, change, and commitment. I won't be available for every whim, or hand over cash, but I will give support in certain ways.

For example, last week, W texted me she had to get some tests run so couldn't call me when she had promised. I asked her what was up and she responded "Don't worry about it, it's not your concern anymore." I dropped it. This week, I asked her what was going on with the tests so I could pray for her. She told me what was up, it wasn't horribly serious, but said she hadn't told anyone else, and asked me not to tell. What I take away is that because I showed genuine concern, she opened up to me, and shared with me something she hadn't shared with anyone else. I told her that I'm sure it was hard, and ended it. So I made a positive touch, received a positive (or non-negative) response, and left her with that.

One other situation I'm excited about - I tend to be very distracted and forget stuff a lot; probably ADD. W has always been hurt because I will often forget something she asks me to get, and in her mind, this equates to me not caring about her.

I had bought her a birthday present back in March, and it didn't work. I mentioned previously that I'm really bad at birthdays, and I actually messed this one up bad, so I told W that I would replace the present that didn't work. She told me before the big bomb that her favorite thing in the world is Dairy Queen ice cream cakes. So when I take her the replacement present, I'm going to have an ice cream cake to go with it. This accomplishes two things: first, it will replace sort of a bad memory of the birthday with a nice non-romantic gesture. Secondly, she'll know that I listened when she said she liked that type of cake. Also, I will turn and leave - I'm not gonna hang around and try to get a hug or eat some of it. Zero expectations.


To me, this is the fine line between going dark and smothering/begging. It is a nice gesture, a positive action to go along with words, since as we know, words are cheap. It is not relationship talk, divorce talk, romantic, something that reminds her of us, etc. So while W goes into debt, deals with being a single mom, tries to find a job, etc, I will be a positive influence.

I dunno. Disagree?

P.S. Sorry for the book!

[AnotherStander]

I spoke with a DB coach who told me to not get in the way of the D and to even "partner" with her in the process. He told me that the marriage between my W and I is gone, and my best bet would basically be to work on things after the D by being her friend and see if she comes back around when she eventually realizes I can change and I am not a bad guy.

Sound advice. You'll generally hear the same on these forums- don't do anything to block the D, cooperate as far as signatures and providing info, but also don't try to "hurry it along" yourself (by doing the papers for your spouse or pressuring your spouse to get it done, etc.)

MWD mentions in DR that DB'ing is all about changing yourself and attracting your spouse back with thoughts of building a new R rather than resuming the old one, like you say, you have to picture your M as dead and gone, RIP.

I never would have said this a few months ago, but you need to be supportive of her with whatever decision she is making

Correct, the idea is to remove all pressure. You don't have to AGREE with separation (or divorce or whatever the WAS is pushing), just "validate" their feelings on it (IE, "you want a divorce, I understand why you feel that way").

I keep looking for data/threads on numbers of walk away wives who decide to come back and reconcile, and the timetables for this, and can't seem to find anything.

There is none. I've gathered a lot of info on this through reading old threads here and talking to people who have been through it. The impression I'm left with is that WAW's do often eventually express interest in reconciliation, but the timetable is much, much longer than most people think. 2 years is a number that seems to pop up a lot. I just mentioned this in another thread, but it seems that the LBS has usually moved on at around the 1 year mark, so when the WAS does come around it comes as a shock to the LBS. Often they're not willing to wreck their new life for a shot at reconciliation.

[JayMan]

Well, I'm angry now. I picked up divorce papers. W has filed for "extreme cruelty" and "gross neglect", and basically asked for half of my income, more money than she gets in child support from her ex-husband who beat her and cheated on her.

If divorce wasn't serious, I'd be laughing right now. The charges will never stick, it's her attorneys way of trying to scare me. I'm pretty sure this is why LBS aren't too keen to take WAWs back.