Figuring out the old and new life

[Portia]

FY

I cannot really relate to having the MLCer underfoot all of the time since my ditch is so opposite. But I do agree that if she really felt she needed to physically run from you, she would. You'll know when it is time for something different, if not for your relationship then for you, so that you don't run out of patience or get tired before she does. A change is as good as a rest, so I've been told.

That certainly was an interesting quote. There is so much of the MLC that I can understand and can even sympathize with. It is difficult to know that you are unhappy but don't know how to fix it. But there is so much I don't understand, too. Like where the total lack of any regard comes from or the need to be cruel.

For her sake, I hope she has communicated that same thing to her husband. No doubt he is reeling but having at least a window into our partners head would have been helpful on this journey.

[Delboy]

Hi Foreveryoung and other good folk, I was watching a film the other nite. And a bloke in it said the following:

"Women are like monkeys, they don't let go of a branch until they have a good grip on another".

That sounds like most of the women in MLC!

Love
Delboy

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

Thank you so much for printing this! It's a glimpse into the pain, the confusion.

I wonder how many of our spouses have, or will eventually have, any realization that "this is not him (her), this is all me.... " ?

I did think this was one of the hallmarks of MLC: "it's not you, it's me" comes right after ILYBINILWY. At least that is what I got.

Nevertheless, my H had to go on and complete his journey.

And it is true, in our case, I had some issues to work on, as well. My issues may not have caused MLC, but to have that happy M that H & I are working on now, I had some former issues to work through as well as dealing with the aftermath of MLC...the fears and devastation it caused in me and the whole family.

It isn't us...it's them. But it still needs to be worked through. It's a helluva way to work through something, though, isn't it?

[Ambivalent]

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
" I wonder how many of our spouses have, or will eventually have, any realization that "this is not him (her), this is all me.... " ?
"

Been lurking, I'm Ambivalent. I was wondering on the " ..it's not you it' me " comment. I got a version of that , more like " I want it to be about me, I feel like I come second " and no ILYBNILWY but , I love you, but I don't feel desire. Same thing just verbalized differently in my O.

My H has realized he needs to work through things, and get his priorities and finances in order. Where in the MLC process is a person like this?

He started out , when under roof, snapping for silly things, blowing up, over nothing. Hiding and playing with friends. DB and moved out simultaneously. Now he has got a job again, one which is more of the caliber for his experience and years. He is no longer complaining of unhappiness and is friendly and somewhat affectionate. He still wants to "fix" things...for example: I totaled my car and he volunteered to come to court with me. Pursued it for a whole weekend and even showed up! Then afterwards steered conversation towards what kind of car did I want? Also the other day my phone was lost or stolen. Within 24 hours of us communicating this he had a new one delivered to me! And yesterday, he emailed me that it was coming and hoped I had fun at Swing dance Mon. night.

Soooo, not meaning to intrude, where are we? What is this about? Is this one of those small signs I should not overlook or what? Anyone have any clue? I'm just mirroring his behavior, and keeping everything on a light note, but very guarded.

When the come to realization that it is "about them" how much further is the journey? Anyone?

[ForeverYoung]

No doubt he is reeling but having at least a window into our partners head would have been helpful on this journey.

I feel like all my reading (most right here on this board) and living with my W through all of this, has given me a window into my W's head. Your case is especially tough IMO, as he left you with NC, and nothing to go on.

"Women are like monkeys, they don't let go of a branch until they have a good grip on another".

Thanks Delboy. I'll make sure to keep our tree house stocked with bananas!

And it is true, in our case, I had some issues to work on, as well. My issues may not have caused MLC, but to have that happy M that H & I are working on now, I had some former issues to work through as well as dealing with the aftermath of MLC...the fears and devastation it caused in me and the whole family.

You know, I've become a better person, and have to admit it likely would not have happened had it not been for W's crises. Hopefully we can both enjoy the new "us" some day soon.

Here's another comment from a W deep in crises:

Titled: I Am Trapped Inside

I am so sorry for all of you, I am also sorry for all monsters in your lifes. I cry as I write this, I am cold and heartless, and as soon as I see a weak spot I am hell bent to make more suffering, it feeds the monster inside of me, yet inside I want out, I don't want to see you hurting because of me. I have made a wonderful man miserable, I don't want to, I need help. For all of you husbands out there, please don't hate your wife, she loves you, but she has a problem. The more it hurts, the better it feels, crazy huh?!

I can't post a link, but the article and comments can be found at: About.com > Divorce support > "Readers Respond: How Did You Survive Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis?" if you are interested in reading more.

[tori2012]

FY, your research helps you understand your W, and it shows how much you love her. I wish she could see how lucky she is...

I wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread. Always so nice to read your posts. You have a lot of wisdom to give.

And I haven't forgotten your special copy of my book. It might take a while for it to be published, though. Your sitch might've resolved by then!

[RosaLinda]

Ambivalent "When the come to realization that it is "about them" how much further is the journey? Anyone?"

I think every sitch is different Ambivalent. I got "I love you but..." closely followed by "It's not you, it's me" in January 2010. H's replay still going strong 3 years and 9 months (but who's counting ) later. We all just read a great book by Laura Munson about her H's MLC, which lasted about 3 or 4 months. So, who knows? 

Good luck to you!

FY, that second post is worse and sadder than the one you posted earlier. The poster was sensitive enough to cry about some strangers' pain, yet said she goes for her H's jugular when she detects any weakness, to feed the monster inside her. "For all of you husbands out there, please don't hate your wife, she loves you, but she has a problem." 

This woman actually realizes that she still loves her H, but has a "problem?????" Holy cow.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Rosa Linda. S I g H... Birthday is coming up and then the holidays. This is the worst year of my life. I'm tired so I'm weak and feelin' blue...

[Verum]

FY, the comments from MLCers you post are interesting. In my case, my W has said on occasion that "it is her" etc. But she'll also say how that of our 22 years together she may have loved me for 2-3 years. So it is both her but also the marriage.

I guess we are here for a few reasons. First, we don't believe that our S fell out of love with us, rather we believe that it is temporary. Second, as FY states he is a better person due to the crisis, and I feel the same way. My W's MLC and ILYBINILWY really rocked my boat and I've changed in ways that I probably would not have. I'm pretty happy with the changes. No matter what happens, there's that.

If we're wrong about the Spouse's lack of love being temporary and it turns out to be the new state of things, then all we are doing is spending a few years in transition from marriage to separate and divorce.

For me right now, I still prefer marriage, I think my W and I had a good relationship, and can have an even better one. I'm still willing to wait and see. However, I also realize that if we separate, I'll be OK too.

[uRworthy]

Hey FY, how goes it?