Turtle Goddess she of the hard shell soft

[mizjjd]

rH, Portia,

Thank you for stopping by

My mind was reeling yesterday and I felt I had to let some of that out.

I'm still rather reeling today. I think something has shifted within the glacier that is H. There is no obvious measurable movement but rather signs that there may be cracks in his layers.

We went to visit D19 yesterday. Unfortunately she now seems to be coping, almost comfortable. But maybe that has to be expected because the human spirit does find a way to cope and too she's half way now; sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Time will tell with her, as it will with everything.

On the way home H and I stopped for dinner. (This is one of those crazy things. As you all know we are on a tight budget and normally stopping for dinner means McD's dollar menu. Well about a month ago I ran into a former co-worker at the grocery. We chatted and caught up then out of the blue she handed me a $25 gift card to a restaurant. Because, she said, she had wanted to give me something a year earlier when I had to quit where we worked together. The restaurant she gave me the card to is only near where D19 is in jail, a town we rarely go to. I thanked her and put the card in my purse thinking when will I ever use this? Now I know.)

And H starts talking. And he talks the whole dinner and the whole way home. And he cries. And he reveals that he feels like "a walking lump of flesh rather than himself". He sees himself as a failure and figures I must too. This is where OW comes in because she only knew him when he was a rising star, young tireless and virile.

I manage to "listen and validate" fairly well. I do maintain that while OW may appear to serve a purpose that I don't think ultimately she's beneficial because I think she's more of a distraction than a true help. And I calmly hold my line of "there's an expiration date on this sitch as long as OW remains".

The in-law's are again in a bad way. MIL has never recovered from her back surgery - the pain has been ever present and tremendous. She went back into the hospital a few days ago. Now she has either mentally slipped or is experiencing drug induced dementia. Early yesterday she thought the nurses wanted to tie her up, cut her legs off and rob her. But then, when H called her last night she had forgotten all that and told him she was just back from a dinner party and "Can you believe I have ANOTHER dinner party yet tonight! All the doctors just love me and invite me out all the time!" H told her to have a good time. Meanwhile FIL is holing up in his house and getting dead drunk.

So. I have been reminded that "this" is not about me. Its not about the marriage. Its about H.

So maybe I can back off a bit and give the man some space, some room, some time to save himself. All things I thought I had been doing, to some degree, but now I more fully see that this is not personal. Even though it sure as hell feels that way. But I'm just collateral damage.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

Peace.

Jaye