I am titanium

[Raine]

Hey everyone! Time to do a check in. School has started and I can't believe how much more crazy life has become because of that. But why not? Would it even be life if it wasn't crazy?

I've had some interesting talks with H lately. He is becoming more and more human, which ironically is very difficult for me, because as he becomes more and more human, the more I realize that there are internal things there that I've thought I have dealt with, but obviously haven't. And surprisingly enough, he is noticing when I go quiet, when I get pensive. He is asking and wondering why. He is ever the persistent temperature checker. And all that does is make it worse for me, because then I think, "Oh, so now he cares? Now he notices?"

He is more attentive than he has been in years, including helping around the house, with the kids, jumping in and taking over when I start doing something.

The bags are still packed in the closet, but he started going through them a few days ago and pulling stuff out. He told me he has found some things he was wondering where it was.

He is going with me to my family events and it is like nothing has ever happened. He is joking and hanging out with all of my family and making plans to do more. He is breaking plans with his new friends to go and hang out with members of my family.

We went to a concert again, and unlike the last time when he thought it would be good if I found someone else to go, this time he was messaging me to make sure he was invited. He also called me before he left work to tell me that he was having anxiety and that when he got home that if he was quiet, to just know it was not me and has nothing to do with me, that he was just triggered and he doesn't know why. That was a first. To warn me about it, to tell me about it, and to make sure I knew it had nothing to do with me. He said this multiple times to me.

The concert itself ended up being several firsts since BD. It was packed, and we were standing about 10 people back from the stage, completely squashed against the people around us. We were dancing against each other but as things started shifting he ended up three people away from me. Which is kind of annoying that he doesn't do anything about it. Just in his own world. I let it go for quite awhile, didn't show any emotion about it. But at one point I just looked at him and motioned him to come back and he had this look like "I dunno how" and I just reach between these two ladies and just grabbed his hand and pulled him back by our group again. When it was over, he was super close to me and just grabbed both my hands so we didn't get separated and held them against his sides. He wanted to make sure I got a shirt and waited in line for quite awhile after to get one.

On the way home we covered some pretty deep topics...things that had me spooked in a "did he really just say that..." kind of way.

In the car he said that tonight, the night of the concert he felt more like himself than he has in a very long time, but that it's not himself. It's not his old self, and he can never go back to being that person again. And he said he couldn't articulate what he was trying to say, so I jumped in. I said, "Do you mean there are parts of you old self and new parts that are coming together to form the real self?" And he said yes, that's it. But he needs to figure out what parts he wants to be him. And he said, that is really hard. It's going to be really hard to do. And I asked him why, and he changed the subject.

I don't really hold off as much anymore with him when I have a question, and like I'm going to let that one alone, so I waited five minutes and asked him again. And he said, "Oh did you miss that social queue when I changed the subject?" And I said, "Oh no I got it, but way to curious about it to let it go." He laughed and changed the topic again. So I dropped it. But at that point we started holding hands, the first time since BD, the first time in over a year. My guess is he is trying to figure out if and where I belong in his life and that's why he wouldn't say anything.

He talked about my family and said that he liked being with them. That he felt like they didn't judge him and that none of them had, except one person at one point, right after BD. At this point I just told him straight, "They are not judging you because they know that is important to me. They know it is what I want." I think he has no clue how much I have protected him from family, both his and mine, as well as friends and really everyone, gossip, etc. And frankly, it should be no surprise for him to be judged by others. He would be judging the heck out of someone else if they had done what he has.

He talked about the anxiety he had after going to counseling. He said it was like a deep massage where all the toxins come to the surface. He said it was really good for him but that he felt like crap after and the rest of the day and next.

H told the C that he has trust issues with everyone in his life and that he would have them with the C too. H said he went into it with a lot of hope like he was going to be fixed after one session. I said it took you awhile to get here. It's going to take some time to get out.

One more thing, H likes for me to hang out with him at night and I tend to fall asleep when I do. I hang out with him after the kids are in bed and listen to something in his room about 1-2 times a week. I think he likes this, but he does not touch me. So I don't know how much of it is he likes it and wants me there or if he thinks I like it and he is being there for me as a "it's the least I can do" kind of thing. When I wake up I just go up to the MBR, but he always asks me why I'm leaving, like wondering if I heard the baby. Or if he gets up and that wakes me up so I do, he says, "you don't need to go. I'll be right back." One time I left and he didn't wake up and the next morning he wanted to know if he had chased me off.

We are now at three months of him being back home. I still feel like everything is so far away, everything is touch and go and testing, but yet it's amazing to me to see where things are, compared to where they have been. I'm encouraged by that, to know at least things are moving. I'm not so concerned about the direction as long as we're not stagnant.