Today is daughters 1st day of 1st grade. Wife came by to take pictures at the house and escorted us to daughters school. It was pretty friendly, considering that yesterday was a big step towards the end.....If we can carry on like this, daughter will benefit from it. Fingers crossed.
Woke up around 3:30am with that empty, emotional feeling of despair. The reality of the situation is really setting in. I can't help but focus on the history, the things we experienced together, the things that we shared, the drastic change this will make in my daughters life....It's just weird. It's difficult to imagine that after 12 years, she won't be there anymore, not that she has been for close to 10 months now, but it still seems so surreal when I see her or talk to her. She's no longer my wife, and we are no longer are connected. It just baffles me. I know I will have to stay busy, increase my GAL and focus on moving forward. I need to be as positive as possible in my daughters life. At the same time, I want to keep the relationship with STBXW as stable as can be. I miss her. I feel what she is doing is wrong. I hate that our lives are separating, but I need to keep focusing on the positives. I AM a better person than I was during our marriage. Better things will come to me. My life will improve.
A friend was over yesterday. He has been divorced for 2 years, was married for over 15. While he was here, he shared a couple of those "scary" interactions that I dread. His wife recently filed a restraining order on him. It was completely fraudulent, and it sounds like his Ex is a serious wack job. He contested it in court that very morning and got it dismissed. Regardless, it's been 2 years and they are still fighting over things in the court. Not only that, but she phoned him while he was at my house and started in about their parenting plan and demanded that she was taking the kids with her, even though it was his time to have them. They also have a 50/50 parenting plan. He ended up upset, hands shaking and ended the call. he handled himself very well, better than I could have given the situation. He immediately put a call into his lawyer....I'm thinking like, "Geeeez, really? After two years this crap still happens and the emotions are still so sharp?????" Seeing and hearing about things like that, how you can love someone for so many years and then end up at each others throats, just terrifies me. I don't want that....I DREAD that. I need to keep our situation as calm as humanly possible. I need to avoid that at all costs.
Just keep plugging away, doing what you need to do to be the man you want to be. The feelings of despair will pass.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You are awfulizing the situation already. Knock it off.
How does it happen that two people fight like that? Because they want to. They let it happen.
My W is making unrealistic demand and I don't respond to them. She is trying to pick fights and I don't let her. She keeps reaching for those buttons to push and i am slapping her hands away... She can look but she can not touch.
I need to keep our situation as calm as humanly possible. I need to avoid that at all costs.
So what is stopping you? YOU have this power. YOU have the ability.
As hard as it can be, you are going to need to remove the emotions from the rest of the process. It doesn't matter if you think she is wrong. Your opinion is well expressed and has no bearing on what the rest of the process is. This is just the business end of divorce.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
My W is making unrealistic demand and I don't respond to them. She is trying to pick fights and I don't let her. She keeps reaching for those buttons to push and i am slapping her hands away... She can look but she can not touch.
^this what MrCAS said.
After filing divorce, W will text me all nasty and horrible and harping, and if I respond at ALL, I will respond with "I'm sorry you're upset." I figure the worst case she's learning the harsh lesson that divorce doesn't equal happiness.
The biggest obstacle is going to be the financial aspect, I believe. I don't think, based on what wife has said, that she will want to deviate from the current parenting plan. However, several people have told me that she will likely change her tune when she realizes that there probably isn't going to be a large settlement. So, that puts me in a difficult spot. I need to do mediation with her one way or the other, and this is point that my attorney thought I should mention.....
If we go through mediation without attorneys, the process will obviously be cheaper, to the tune of roughly 500 bucks for every hour we spend negotiating. So, I could offer my wife my portion of what I would pay in attorney fees, towards a settlement to give to her. She would also be able to retain the money (her mother has loaned her 5K) that she would have to incur in attorney fees. That would equal about 6-10K dollars, nothing to scoff at. Somehow I need to approach her with this, based on the fact that I will be spending the money, regardless if I give it to her or give it to my attorney. my money is already leaving my wallet, no matter who gets it. It would however be beneficial to her, if she was able to keep that money for herself. With that said, I have my terms that I would like to stick to. I don't want to pay child support, and my attorney doesn't think I have to. We have had somewhat similar incomes, until recently, and we have a 50/50 parenting plan. It should be a moot point, by the time a residential benefit was paid back to me for the time I have daughter. Furthermore, the house has zero equity, which is what I have been expressing over and over. I don't want to pay her for "pretend money" that doesn't exist. Wife sees it differently. While she does somewhat agree with the house not having a lot of equity. She sees me being able to live her afterwards as "sticking it to her". I don't really get that, and let me explain. In a normal situation, the bank would hold the house. If wife and I decided to sell, we would split any profit or debt from the sale. In our case, there is none, so we would sell the house and simply walk away with nothing. That is exactly the situation we have. Although, the "bank" just happens to be my Mother. That, albeit is a huge benefit to me in regards to living conditions. I will continue to live here. However, does it really change my wife's role in this split? I mean for example, her BF may provide her with a residence, perhaps her mother will. Is that benefit to her mean I should be compensated? Of course it doesn't. She is benefitting from something that comes afterward. It doesn't make sense to me, morally or ethically. Anyone like to give me some input here? Also, any input in terms of how I can express this to wife. She seems to simply believe that "the family" is screwing her over. I just don't know how to proceed in a healthy, realistic manner. Am I completely off base in my thinking? I know 25 believes so, but I just don't get it! WHY?????
Why the cheap shot on 25? That wasn't necessary. Shame on you.
Look, your wife is not believing anything you say. Why should she? Get the house professionally appraised like my bank did. I am glad I did because my buddy the real estate guy was roughly 10K too high. Because the bank had a professional do it, my W believes it.
So, have your W pick out an appraiser that you both agree on. That way there is no reason not to accept the findings.
Quit trying to explain your side. We all get it.
It gets to a point where "The man doth protest too much, methinks."
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
