My take on it is that the challenge is that you're looking to be "taking an approach" at all. If you "take an approach" or "employ a strategy" you'll be looking for it to pay off in some way. The dynamics surrounding your expectations put pressure on the relationship.
I think your best course of action here is just to live, just to be yourself.
So very true. For a long time in my sitch I was doing things specifically to lure my W back. It just led to frustration and impatience, because I wasn't seeing the results I wanted to see when I wanted to see them. I think it's kind of a normal thing for us to start out in DB'ing that way, but with time we start to understand why it's about us and not the spouse. We do our 180's, we GAL, we become the spouse only a fool would leave, and we keep doing all of that until it's permanent and it's no longer changes, it's just part of us. And then we live our lives. Maybe our spouse comes back and maybe they don't, but if we do this DB'ing thing right we get to the point where we truly know in our hearts we will be fine whether we live on with or without our spouse.
Originally Posted By: BC39
This got me thinking.
The surgery I mentioned that W has to get done in the near future is to remove her ovary because there are multiple cysts on it. W had one cyst that we knew about for a long time, but when her recent tests came back last month there were 3.
This condition is caused from improper hormone levels.
I don't want to be reaching for answers for my W behaviour and thoughts but this is hard to ignore.
My W has been on A/D's for 10 years. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people on A/D's can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.
My W is going through perimenopause. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people in perimenopause can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.
My W has cancer. There's a wealth of articles on the Internet about how people with cancer can lose their love for their spouse and even their children.
^^^None of that helps me become who I need to be, or really even helps me understand my sitch any better (and believe me, I've read all that crap). I can control one thing- me. I can't control my W. I can't diagnose my W. I can't fix my W. She is on her own journey and I am on mine. Maybe our paths will join again, but there aren't any shortcuts from my path to her path.
This is from your other thread, I didn't get a chance to respond before it was locked:
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Retro is actually coming to our area next month. I'm a little apprehensive on suggesting it since W said last week she's currently in a place that she "doesn't feel like working on M at the moment" and "doesn't like talking about it" and "doesn't think MC would be currently beneficial".
I think RetroV is VERY effective if both parties are willing to work on the M, but personally I don't think it's effective with a WAS. I've heard others here say that as well. That said, the RetroV people feel that if they can just get both spouses in the door that that is 90% of the battle.
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Anyway, I have no doubt retro would be helpful. Can you tell me a little more of how it works?
Part of the effectiveness of RetroV is that you go in not knowing what exactly is going to happen. They basically ask the participants not to describe the inner workings to others, and from what I've seen participants do honor that, and I try to as well. So I can give you some general info, but not specifics.
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Is it mostly sitting back and listening? If interactions/discussions are required with other people W will feel uncomfortable, but if I told her all we had to do was sit and listen and just talk to each other she may be more open to it.
You absolutely do not have to talk to anyone else all weekend exceept at the beginning intros. You will not share your personal story with anyone. There are presenters who have been through hell and back in their own marriages and they will share their stories, and I promise that you will not be able to hold back the tears. It's very emotional for everyone involved. You will be given new tools for communication in a group setting, then you will go back to your room to use those tools to communicate. That's really about as detailed as I can get. There will be times where they ask people if they want to share anything with the group, but that is purely voluntary. You literally don't have to say one word to anyone but your W all weekend. That said, there are group meals and unless you're really introverted you will be talking to others, but not about your sitch. Just casual banter. I hope that all makes a little sense and helps a bit
