NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[lovethehub]

I told her that IMO I need to guard a rule about these weekends having at least one day where there’s no sports, no birthdays and so on otherwise these three children won’t get any time together. It was quite a nice talk but afterwards I have been thinking if I should have stated this.

F, try not to be too rigid. I still don't understand the harm in D participating in scouts and if two nights a month your schedule is off, that's really not a big deal. As for having a day each weekend you have them that you will not allow sports or birthdays, is that practical? If your son joins a sports league, what will he do? If they get invited to a party, they can't go? I know you need to balance activities and family time, however, these issues are faced by families every day whether they are M or D. Yes, some kids are in too many things and it rules lives completely, but it is hard to just pick a day and say "nope, you can't do anything on Sat/Sun". In an effort to keep things under control, we only allow one activity at a time. If S is doing baseball, no scouts, etc..

The tough thing in all this right now is not having Ds around that much but I believe I will learn to enjoy my time alone. I believe W sees me as a jerk right now because I don’t want the familytime but nothing else. Perhaps a few missed calls but I am sure she will get over that quickly when she meets the pleasant me!
I don’t want to be a jerk in any way! Some part of me feel like one since I don’t give the Ds family-time but in the long run this will be best for all. So the upsides of feeling jerkish outweighs the downsides, right?

F, I can't help but think that your with/without time is very long. Is this the norm in your country? I had to go through parenting classes when ex and I separated (mandatory for all D's with kids) and also had to take my D to a psychologist when ex took me to court for custody issues. We were told that 7 days on/7 days off was okay when kids were older but was too much time apart from one parent when they were little. Is 50/50 each week an option?

I can understand your concern on not having any "family" time with D's. Sandi is right, this is your family now. Yes, there are times where parents will spend bdays and major holidays together for the kids, and that is great. What Sandi is trying to help you with is the fact that your W wants this family time regularly to ease the consequences of her actions. If she gets all of this family time, she will be less likely to miss you. Christmas is a long way off in DBland, maybe by then it will be okay to spend some time together that day.

If I feel like talking to Ds should I – at any given time – simply just call and state this (and only this) to W?
(I will get the schedule if possible but there will be times out of this when I will feel like calling Ds)

If you really want to talk them, yes, call. You don't have to have a schedule, that suggestion was to ease your concerns about W misunderstanding why you are calling. You don't have to be rude/abrupt either (and only this), you can be friendly and say what you want without worrying if a few other words are in the conversation!

I called W this evening to talk to the girls but they were watching a show so W told me they would call back and they did. D6 didn’t feel like talking but D4 and I had a chat and that was nice! She is looking forward to seeing me Wednesday and she was just the sweetest on the phone. I will have to learn that I miss them and I definitely need more pictures around me.
I also need to schedule this with W. I don’t feel like calling her every other evening but as LTH wrote this will be easier with a schedule. I mentioned this to W this evening without making the actual schedule and she asked why. I told her that I miss the Ds and it’s nice to talk to them. I felt awkward saying this because I don’t feel like sharing that feeling with her but it is the truth and the only thing I could think about stating at the moment.

F, can you video chat? This would be even better for the girls and more interesting to them. Little children are not the greatest at phone conversations but at least they could see your face every couple of days. You should not feel awkward about saying that you missed them and wanted to talk to them, it is the truth.

went to the hospital today and got examined by the doctors. I will have to go through surgery on sept. 19. This is good news exept I worry about the possible side effects.

I am sorry you have to have surgery but hopefully this means they actually know what the problem is now and they can fix it?! Good luck