Help! I'm so hopeless and devastated...

[peaceSJ]

Here is my story. My husband and I are in early 40s and we've been married for about 17 years with two little kids. Most of time our marriage was fine except we didn't have much sexual life. In April of this year, my husband told me that he wants a divorce. He claimed that I didn't love him at all because most of time I didn't want sex with him. We are lack of initimacy. He was too frustrated about so many times when I rejected him for sex, so he decided to give up. I was so shocked. I agreed that I'm low interested in sex but that does not mean I don't love him. Actually I was trying to imporve myself. I know I loved him very much, and I did almost all the house work and take care of the kids. But he couldn't feel my love because I am a low sex driver. I admitted that's my problem. Since then I promised him I can make changes, and we also tried marriage consulor once. I even tried to initiate the sex with him. But he rejected everything. He doesn't want have sex with me any more, and said it has been too late and nothing I do can change his mind and soft his heart. When he said he does not love me any more, it hurt me so much. We are still living in the same house but in a seperate room. He closed the door every time when he was in his room. He even went some other cities by himself and didn't tell me where he went, leaving only me and our kids home.
Before I came to this forum, I did so many wrong things, such as crying, begging him, chasing him around the house, asking him to giving me another chance... but nothing worked.
I appreicaite it if some one here can give me some advices. Do I still have a chance to save our marriage? I really want ot save our marriage. I think other than the sex issue, we are good couple. I couldn't get to sleep every night, lost more than 10 lbs, and feel so hopeless and devastating now...

Is there any other things I can do to save our marriage? Not only for myself, but also for my two lovely kids...

[KarenR]

I am sorry you are in this situation. As you know you do need to detach and take good care of yourself and your kids. Since the marriage counseling didn't work, I suggest you call us and speak to a DB coach, that also deals with the Sex Starved Marriage. There are many things that you can do differently immediately, that can start turning things around, now is the time to act. I would look forward to speaking to you further. Take good care.

[peaceSJ]

Thank you very much for your reply. But I don't know how to detach from him, and don't want to lose hime either though he kept saying that you lost me already. I don't have family member and friends here. I'm all on my own. Now I feel so lonely and painful, and cannot imagine what life will be without him...
What kind of things can I do immediately? He claimed we are lack of intimacy, but now he is rejecting the intimacy with me...
Please help!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

See this post. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=8&page=1

Start following these immediately.

Take a deep breath. Take a drive to the bookstore and purchase the divorce remedy book.

Good luck

[Rick1963]

Peace, read Sandis 37 rules at the top of the thread. Get the DR book ASAP and read it. Slow down a bit and post here often. This takes time and patience so don't rush it. And you are not alone, no one is.

Start by telling us about you. How old the kids, do you work, have a profession. The best thing to do is to GAL (get a life). Look good, exercise, eat well and rest.

[KindaHappy1]

I would say the best chance in saving your marriage is to follow the DB advice, call a DB coach if you can, I wish I had when I first posted.

You need to learn to love yourself, and to do that, you are going to have to do things for yourself and create a better, more positive, self assured you. Lean on friends, journal daily, at the very least. Read DB or DR and follow the steps. Then reread.

[peaceSJ]

Thank you all for your support. I'm reading Divorce Remedy now, and also read some stories here. But why I didn't see any sucessful story here? or Maybe just because I didn't find it? I feel so hopeless...

[Ambivalent]

Hi Peace, Ambivalent here.

Success stories are found in the forum list.
Right now you may be feeling so disoriented, shock, hopeless. I get it, and it will make concentrating difficult. Please take special care when you drive, it is VERY easy to go into your head and lose track of the road.

With that being said, I believe there IS hope. I vacillate still, but mostly hang on to this. You have a positive and a negative with him being home. Let's start with the negative, for I like to end on a positive note!

He is there, and he is watching e v e r y move you make and every step you take. Cue the music He'll be watching you. Start playing Sting!

SOOO you ask, how do I get my emotions out in a healthy manner without him being there to hear or see you do this? Gymn, walking , running, go to yard sales and by breakable dishes to go slam on the ground , ( when no one sees you or can hear you). Do the staircase, if you have one in your house. Lift weights, until your muscles are in fatigue. This will help with sleeping. If you play or have played tennis, this is AWESOME for stress. You can find a backboard and slam the H-ll out of the ball!

Act as if...this is when true Academy Awards should be given. When interacting in this stage, ( anger, resentment ) try and remember he has feelings for you, for if he did not there would be apathy. So he is really in pain, hurt over his perceived rejection of who he is. His body, his manhood, his sexuality. He is in a VERY raw state. Do NOT approach him for ANYTHING if possible. Children come first , we all know this. But that doesn't mean to look for reasons to interact. He will pick up on that immediately!

Now the good part. He is STILL in the house! He is watching every move you make E V E R Y step you take. Yes, can you hear Sting? This can work in your favor! This is when YOU must take up some out of the home classes, hobbies, or exercise. Do not ask him to watch the kids, just let him know you will be out as you walk out of the house and leave them with him! Do not give him the chance to say no. Make sure you have a back up if he does not arrive home from work in time for your scheduled event. Have a couple of babysitters at the ready and USE them. He will come home , and pay them. Just set it up as if he will be home before you, if not have your envelope of money ready.

These steps will help to pull yourself away from being IN the pain 24/7. Next is to start on what you think needs to be addressed in yourself. Reading, reading reading. The Library may or may not have the resources you need, but will be a place where you can read in private, meaning he does NOT see what you are reading. Keep smiling, even when you want to run from the home screaming! Been there... at first it is like pouring salt on a wound, but eventually , after a couple of months, your name will be called to get the award!

Keep the Faith, I'm with you in the cyber world and so are many great individuals from this site!

[MrBond]

There are many success stories. Usually what happens is that once the M has been reconciled, they stop posting. I'm one of the success stories so don't give up.

Also, you should just stick to your one thread to get individualized help.

Here is your post from another thread:
"I'm following these rules now, but it seems my H didn't notice the change at all. If any of you are doing it, could you share the results? I do need some sucessful stories to encourage me. Otherwise I don't know if I shoud give up my hope...

BTW, what is 180?"

How much of DR have you read? These changes take time and aren't overnight. It's going to take alot of patience.

[AnotherStander]

But why I didn't see any sucessful story here? or Maybe just because I didn't find it? I feel so hopeless...

There are tons of success stories in other forums, but most people never stray out of this forum. Here are links:

Another Divorce Busted!

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

Successful Women

Successful Men