The big thing my DB coach told me I needed to get under control was my anger. What's interesting is that this is exactly what my wife told me last week when she was first telling me she probably wanted a divorce and was yelling at me.
He said I need to work on my anger anyway for me, not for her, or else it won't be lasting change.
He also said that my angry behavior is a result of my fear. In this case I was afraid of the divorce coming. I have been planning in my head ways to postpone it without being overly difficult, trying to walk a fine line of controlling her behavior without looking like I was controlling her behavior.
He told me that an obvious 180 for me would be to accept the divorce, and to be her partner in it and support her in it rather than being aloof or trying to avoid it. After I got off the phone with him I texted her asking how the process was going, and also told her I had a shirt of hers I could mail to her parent's house if she wanted it. Her responses to each of those questions began with "ummmm." which was a first and definitely different than the one word replies I had been getting previously.
I then said I hoped we could be friends when the divorce was over.
She said "Great".
I felt incredibly at peace later today. I am not in control of what she is doing, but I am not afraid of it either. I can set her free and stop trying to control her, and stop initiating contact with her with an expectation of something in return. I forgive her. Whatever God allows to come my way I will be thankful for.
T 10 years, M 4 years, both 28 years old 7/3/2013 - W wanted D, we attempted to reconcile 7/20/2013 - discovered W's EA, attempted to reconcile 8/24/2013 - W told me she wanted D, filed papers
