thanks for getting back to me. I really appreciate your time and thoughfulness in providing your feedback and insight.
I'm begining to understand why it may be best to keep my knowledge of the A to myself. I need to take advantage of all the time I have to work on myself in the presence of my W. I realize my work is for me, but allowing her to witness it can't hurt.
"I guarantee she doesn't see her faults right now. She sees that she tried for years to be happy with you and to let you know what she wanted but you didn't listen; you were angry, critical, judgmental and lacked patience. She handled this until she could no longer do so and then she emotionally left your M. THEN (most likely) she began her A because she is already so far gone she no longer thinks it matters because you don't love her and you aren't nice to her and the kids".
Your statement here is tough to take, but I realize it's true. Everyone is different and my W took what she could. I'm glad I am able to still love her and want her as my W and a member of our family.
"AS is right IF you are prepared to stick to those boundaries and have W leave the home, or at the very least have an in house separation, when she does not end the A. I would be shocked if you telling her you are aware of it and setting boundaries makes her end the A. It sure didn't make me end mine, I just hid it better".
I have no idea how my W would respond to a confrontation followed by me setting boundaries. She may pack up and leave and file for divorce! She could also ignore me and file for divorce without my knowldge and end up kicking me out of my own house.
Were you confronted by your H? How did the A come to light? What was your reaction? Were you angry, resentful?
"This is how you see it. She sees that you made repeated choices, year after year, that said you didn't care. That caused a lot of damage, too. Do not make the mistake of thinking that this A is the cause of the most damage in your M, esp if you get to the point where the A ends, she knows you know and you try to work through it. By blaming everything on the A, it says "Yes, I was crappy to you for years but that doesn't matter. Your A however, now that really caused some damage" That was the biggest obstacle to my R with my H, everything focused on the A and not the years of pain, loneliness, anguish, begging for a better M, etc that led up to me getting to the point where an A seemed like the best option".
I realize that I'm the one who wants to save this marriage and that I need to focus on her pain and what, specifically, drove her into an A. I get that. If/when there is a confrontation, I want to start with just that. Acknowledge her suffering, pain, loneliness and frustration of not getting what she needed.
You mentioned you knew you would come back. From what I've seen in text/email, it looks like she wants out, but I haven't seen the word "divorce" spoken. I'm hoping she's so fogged out of her mind that she is lost in space right now and won't make any permenant moves.
"No, the OM is, in her eyes, a caring man who listens to her and makes her feel good about herself, attractive, worthy. Logically I knew that things would never work with OM and I because he drank too much for me, however, that didn't matter one bit at the time, not in my heart. I wanted to throw away my family and be with him. I felt happy for the first time in years and when you are in A, it's not reality so it doesn't matter if he has diploma, is overweight, whatever; he makes her feel happy and loved again".
You were so lost in the OM during your A, you said that you wanted to throw away your family and be with him. I'm curious, from a WAW perspective, were you able to detach from your kids? How did that facilitate itself? Is it common for a WAW to disregard her children during this foggy time? Did you ever move out of your houase to be with OM?
I'll look forwrad to your responses when you have time. Thanks again for your willingness to share your experience with me. It truely helps.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
