Newcomer's brief summary

[lovethehub]

I didn't know how long I could go on for so I figured I better submit and continue...

I'm not saying that a man should live with his W knowing she is having an A. But if you decide to confront her, you must be prepared to deal with the consequences, b/c it will push her for a reaction. In extremely few cases have I read about a W falling into the arms of her H and asking for his forgiveness. In most cases, she will tell him she's done with the M.

I agree, do not confront her unless you are prepared for your M to be over. It doesn't mean that will definitely happen but you have to be prepared that it might be. If you confront her & she doesn't end the A, then what? If you start begging her to stay and work on the M, end the A, she will lose all respect for you.

Even in a face to face confrontation, it usually does not take care of the A. When my H confronted me face to face with solid proof that I had been having explecive sexual conversations on line with several OM, I did feel horrible and cried a river of tears. But it did not stop me from having an EA that had everything except physical contact. OM and i had live chat, a camera, and cell phone. That can take you a long way in an EA. i simply found ways to hide it better.

Exactly. I felt horrible to but when I started my A, I felt like I saved myself and I was not willing to give that up.

"It really makes me wonder what, specifically, is missing in her heart, life, wellbeing to be so attracted to another. Without being able to sit down with her and discuss the details and understand exactly how she's feeling how she feels, I don't know what how to fix that."

I doubt she's attracted to him. Here is what i believe happens in most cases where a woman gets into an EA. there is the woman who becomes emotionally vulnerable to any man who could make her feel good. Even though a woman can be very educated and have a position of power, if her emotional needs are unmet for a long time (depending on the individual), she is like a person who is drowning.......she will grab any thing thrown out to keep her alive. All he had to do was be in the right place at the right time and say the right thing, and even if it would NEVER had influence with her in the past.....it did that time. It sent a spark in her. Enought that enticed her for more. He satisfies her emotional needs without any physical contact. Of course, an EA often leads to a PA, but not every time, and can last a long time.

Sandi always gets it right! I knew OM for 2 years prior to our A, and never once even considered him in a romantic/sexual way. One night, he was the last one closing up with me at work and I sat down to have a drink with him (like I did w/anyone who was with me). We talked and laughed for about 2 hours and halfway through I wanted to kiss him. After 2 years of never once looking at him that way. Next time I saw him, I let him know through looks and actions what I was open to and that night our A began.

Also, I don't know if your W did this, but once I knew how close I was, I went to H and told him that I really needed to know how he felt about me, that he had no idea how important it was and he said "I feel like I don't want to talk about this" and he left the house. Without him realizing it, it was a done deal in that moment. Did your W try to talk to you about how she was feeling over the years? Give hints? Get angry about things you would do but you kept doing them?

I am not saying any of this makes an A okay, it is just the reality of how it goes because we are emotional beings and after so long you will reach out to someone else. Just like when you are single and you decide you have been alone long enough, you want to find someone to share your life with. If you are in a M that makes you feel alone, uncared for, unloved and hopeless, eventually the same thing happens.

Regardless, my wife has been through alot over the past four years. I didn't help by complaining she worked too much and we never saw her. I was also very critical of her, judgemental, angry and drank too much. I would always try to solve her problems instead of just listen to them. She didn't want to have sex with me because she didn't like me very much and that caused problems.

What have you done to support her? If my H was drunk and critical, I would want to stay at work too and I definitely would not be interested in sex. Are you working on your drinking? Your anger? You have to be sure you changes are not just on the surface and these seem like deep seated issues. I am glad you are going to see a counselor soon, that should be helpful for you.

Because I have looked at her emails and texts, I know she is planning on leaving when she gets her settlment money from the accident in about 6 months and plans to live with the OM.

I've been DBing and am a delite to live with. I'm very careful but she tells the OM I'm always around and it annoys her. I'm doing 180's and have given her no reason to become upset whatsoever.

I was "planning" on leaving, too. Even after I knew I wasn't leaving, I still told OM I was because I didn't want to lose him until I knew for sure H was sticking around. I loved OM, I would have left except something inside kept telling me not to. It seems, from some of the comments, your W is torn and that can go in your favor at some point.

Yes, you have given her reason to be upset because she is upset at everything you have ever done! She is probably upset you are breathing. Right now she probably finds just about anything you do annoying. I know that doesn't sound promising but it really can blow over.

I feel like nothing I do matters and she hasn't said one thing about all I'm doing ...AND NOT DOING!!!

She is wrapped up in herself right now and doesn't want things to get better so she probably won't say anything. That doesn't mean you should stop and she is noticing, she just isn't talking about it.

I need a new car, ands she said in 6 months when we get the settlement, you can get a car. So, do I risk that issue by jumping the gun? Oh man...this is tough!

When the time comes that you feel the need to address the A, which will happen at some point, I don't think putting it off to get a car will be a wise move.

I know there is an on-going issue between my W and the OM about this girlfriend he lives with. He claims that it's over with her and he's told her to move out, but she can't find a place. My W expresses her hurt for his dishonesty and unwillingness to get rid of her and he claims he's trying. I know this from previous texts I've seen.

See, there is already trouble in paradise!

Anyway, I'm confused about where my focus should be at this stage. Since my W is unaware that I know everything about her affair with OM, should I talk to her about our relationship and how I'm unhappy and want to work on myself because I know alot of our issues are a result of my attitude, behaviors and issues? Or do I strictly focus on DB techniques and simply demonstrate through my actions, 180's and GAL while this affair runs it's course?

Actions speak louder than words. Keep focusing on yourself, growing, GALing, 180's, etc.. Telling her what you are doing will most likely have little, or no, impact on her.

Maybe it will shock her into real life and really make an impact when she's least expecting it. My plan is to reherse my presentation so that I can remain composed and charge neutral without emotion. Letting her know that I am aware of the affair and that she needs to end it immediately and sever all contact with OM permanently or she'll have to leave and there will be a significant cost to leaving. No come and go as she pleases, no taking the kids with her to a house she shares with OM, etc.

What does your coach say now? I do not believe confronting her will make her stay, especially with how much she will be making. Rehearsing a presentation and being able to remain calm are two completely different things. She does not give any indication of warming up to you at this point so it is more likely she will leave. What is the significant cost to her leaving? You will not be able to prevent her from taking the kids to a house she shares with OM, this will be her choice. (A poor one if she makes it but her choice)

Any suggestions? During my first coaching call, My DB coach, Joanne, said that I should start therapy and then tell W that I have been listening to her and reveal that I am getting help because I need to make changes for myself, my kids and my W. My W has been telling me to get help and make improvements over the years, but I was too pround, weak, ashamed.

Do I begin by telling my W about my therapy and that I realize our marriage has been suffering for a long time, but I know I need to work on me for everyone's benefit. That I want to be the husband and father that I know I can be, want to be and that my W and kids deserve?

After you have been to several sessions, and you have been making consistent changes for several months, you can tell her the reason you have been working on yourself is....

Be sure you have a good therapist, the therapist can make or break everything.

Leaving a marriage is one thing, but leaving for another person that you are sexualy involved with while your married and have two small children at home is going to put the pressure on her because she'll have to think about how all the people we know, including family, will react.

Not really. I came close to leaving many times, looked for places to live, etc. and I never once worried about what other people would think. In my mind, I couldn't wait to bring OM around my family and friends.

I'm sure he pursued her.

Why are you sure of this? Does it matter?

How do I attempt to meet her emotional and other needs at this point? Do I just stay upbeat, PMA, GAL and have fun with the kids?

You cannot meet her emotional needs now, she doesn't want you to. You have to focus on yourself. Yes, stay upbeat with a PMA, have fun but you need to GAL. Hire a sitter once a week and go do something. Even if you have lost weight, exercising is still a good idea because it will help you mentally and it is good for your health - and all of this stress isn't. If you eat enough you will be fine working out and maintaining weight.

I realize that I do not know what the future holds, but it's so difficult to think about the past 12 years being chucked aside by W and not valued at all! Our two boys WILL be damaged. My W is selfishly making choices that will affect four people and damage the rest of their lives. The worst part is that 3 of those 4 have no say in the matter. That hurts.

You had a choice for a long time and you squandered it. Nothing infuriated me more than to have my H say I didn't care, it was my fault, I was leaving the family, etc.. when I had tried for years to get him to understand how I felt. Your W may be making the decision now, but you made it over and over. Also, by your own admission, you had very little patience with your boys until a month ago and you were critical and judgmental. That also damages children so do not make the mistake of placing all of this blame on W.

Originally Posted By: doubledown
- consistently agree with her feelings and not question them

that's something you can work on. but don't do it in a wimpy way. validate her feelings, let her know you agree with her when that is true, but avoid criticism when you don't agree. you don't have to pretend to agree if you think she's wrong, but you can say it in a diplomatic way, like "I think differently, but I understand your reasons for feeling that way." (and then don't continue to argue about it.)

Agreed. Do not agree just to agree, that is annoying and women don't like a guy who agrees with every single thing, or says "whatever you want" every time she asks him something. Like TT said, you can disagree without disagreeing.

DD,

I know this is long but your topic grew quickly! Focus on you, grow, grow, grow, And you are right, if nothing else it will make you a better man.