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DD,

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I lost your thread somehow..this is going to be long and from WAW perspective!

I discovered that my wife is involved physically and emotionally with a coworker. She has no idea that I am aware of this. I found out by going through her text messages. It was devastating. All the "I love you's" and "can't wait to wake up to your every morning", "you're the first thing I tink of when I wake", "I'm only with my husband for the children's sake", etc. I'm ridiculed and the joke to the two of them.

I know this s*cks for you, I have been on both sides and finding out evidence of an A is one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me. However, you are not ridiculed and you are not a joke to them, this isn't about you at all.

I'm hoping she will take notice of my 180's because prior to my discovery, I was angry, critical, judgemental and had no patience with our two boys 8 & 5.

She will notice, however, it may take quite some time before it makes any difference. This is one reason you are wise to keep your mouth shut about the affair. If you started changing these things AFTER you told her knew, she would suspect you were only doing it because of her A and it would take a lot longer for her to believe they were true changes.

Regardless, I am the significant cause of her disillusionment with our marriage. Granted, she has contributed a good portion to the current state of our marriage as well.

I guarantee she doesn't see her faults right now. She sees that she tried for years to be happy with you and to let you know what she wanted but you didn't listen; you were angry, critical, judgmental and lacked patience. She handled this until she could no longer do so and then she emotionally left your M. THEN (most likely) she began her A because she is already so far gone she no longer thinks it matters because you don't love her and you aren't nice to her and the kids.

What did the DB coach tell you about how to address the affair? Your W is engaging in "cake eating", she's living her "married with children" life while also actively engaging in an affair. Personally I think you should let her know you're aware of the A so that you can set some boundaries. I'm not saying get in a big fight about it, rather I'm saying sit down with her and calmly disclose that you know what she's been up to and lay out whatever your boundaries are, then give her a timeframe to decide what she wants to do.

AS is right IF you are prepared to stick to those boundaries and have W leave the home, or at the very least have an in house separation, when she does not end the A. I would be shocked if you telling her you are aware of it and setting boundaries makes her end the A. It sure didn't make me end mine, I just hid it better.

She's the one who is making choices that could cause everyone invloved alot of damage.

This is how you see it. She sees that you made repeated choices, year after year, that said you didn't care. That caused a lot of damage, too. Do not make the mistake of thinking that this A is the cause of the most damage in your M, esp if you get to the point where the A ends, she knows you know and you try to work through it. By blaming everything on the A, it says "Yes, I was crappy to you for years but that doesn't matter. Your A however, now that really caused some damage" That was the biggest obstacle to my R with my H, everything focused on the A and not the years of pain, loneliness, anguish, begging for a better M, etc that led up to me getting to the point where an A seemed like the best option.

I'm already 180 degrees more pleasant to be around than I was a month ago, but W still complains to OM that she can't stand being around me.

It's been a month! She put up with your behavior for years, do not expect a month (or even 2,3 months) to turn things around. Here is what you need to understand, it took a lot to push her out the door. She isn't going to do cartwheels and be excited about jumping back into your M because you finally decided to change. I am not trying to be mean but this is the reality. It took me at least two years before I was back in far enough for my H to see any difference at all. I believe I was coming back that whole time, but I was so far out of my M, it took that long to really care enough to do what I needed to do. I didn't want a divorce, I just didn't really believe things could be any different.

You're certainly right about it not making sense to me. The big thing is this, and just humor me, please; My wife is a professional with 3 advanced degrees and earned a 6 figure income for years. Due to the economy and loss of her job, she began working at a landscaping design company. The OM is an overweight, immigrant hispanic guy who speaks broken english and doesn't even hold a highschool diploma. WTF? I cannot comprehend this at all! Your thoughts on this?

No, the OM is, in her eyes, a caring man who listens to her and makes her feel good about herself, attractive, worthy. Logically I knew that things would never work with OM and I because he drank too much for me, however, that didn't matter one bit at the time, not in my heart. I wanted to throw away my family and be with him. I felt happy for the first time in years and when you are in A, it's not reality so it doesn't matter if he has diploma, is overweight, whatever; he makes her feel happy and loved again.

IMO affairs are never about the affair partner. They are not even about you, the LBS. They are completely about the WAS's. It's not who he is or what he looks like but how he makes her feel about herself in whatever piece of her that is not whole and needs to be filled up.

Reality Trip is exactly right - this is completely about your WAW.