let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

So, I have decided I am still DBing. I will continue to keep a PMA, I will continue to try to stop assumptions, I really have no idea what is going on with her and the more I detach from caring what she is doing or who she is with, the better I seem to feel.

I will keep striving to be a better father to my boys and keep them out of any R issues.

When I get served, I will try to be cool calm and collected as much as I can. and I will find others to lean on.

I will keep trying to improve myself. I am a very loving and peaceful man and this whole mess has contributed to me not acting as loving as I can be to others. I will get through this and I will help and be mindful of others along the way. This is my hard battle right now, and I need to remember that others have much harder battles that they might not make it through.

Bless you all!

[MrBond]

"So, I found a way to detach... by finally coming to my senses and realizing what a cold-hearted, manipulative, lying witch she is. "

Never use anger as a method to detach. All that does is make you filled with anger, pain and resentment.

Detach clean.

[Positivespin]

Why are you still snooping?

Why are you still persuing? you better not go on a date as friends- you will fail

Get busy on you.....extra bonus points if you can start doing things yourself- learn about yoursel. You have been a couple for so long you don't know who you are anymore.

Folks that love you will pry and urge you to move on- you are not ready. What do you want?

It's been a week, what have you done for exercise?

[KindaHappy1]

"So, I found a way to detach... by finally coming to my senses and realizing what a cold-hearted, manipulative, lying witch she is. "

Never use anger as a method to detach. All that does is make you filled with anger, pain and resentment.

Detach clean.

Thanks MrBond, I agree with you.

My initial reaction was anger, and the anger let me see her as she has been, not through the lens of adoration I had been using. I did not feel any detachment while angry, In fact I felt so attach it was like I was being ripped apart. It wasn't until I cleared my anger while meditating that I was able to feel a bit detached from her.

By rereading my post, I can see the anger is still there and leaking out. I feel like I am in such a state of denial at times. Like if I can fool myself into thinking things are better that they are, I feel better, but then I realize that I have set myself up for more heartache when reality come crashing in.

[KindaHappy1]

Why are you still snooping?

Why are you still persuing? you better not go on a date as friends- you will fail

Get busy on you.....extra bonus points if you can start doing things yourself- learn about yoursel. You have been a couple for so long you don't know who you are anymore.

Folks that love you will pry and urge you to move on- you are not ready. What do you want?

It's been a week, what have you done for exercise?

Yep, big time failure. at least the food was yummy and I had leftovers for dinner tonight! I've got something holding me back right now that I'd rather not talk about on a public forum, but in a week, that thing will be in the past and I will have much more freedom to do things for myself.

I really do have to rediscover me, and what I am finding so far is what a mess I have been my whole life. I've been so afraid of losing love that I have difficulties trusting, which pushes love away. Then, my learned way of trying to get that love is to shut down emotionally and find something to distract myself in, which also pushed love away.

Can I break these cycles and become more normal? I think so, I think by owning my feelings and expressing them in a positive way is the path.

I didn't really think I was snooping, I was checking our joint account and I saw the transaction listed. I have to wait until next week to get my own account, and then I will suggest to her that she takes me off the old one or at least change the password.

Exercice... I ran a few mornings, I think 3 days, so 9 miles total, but I have been slacking. Thanks for getting on me about that

Yes, I keep hearing loved ones tell me that things are going to be better, that I will find someone new and it will be so better, and that the worst is behind me and that she can't hurt me anymore... I know it is all meant well, and it is obvious that they want me to feel better, but it seem like they want me to feel the way they want me to feel, and they aren't open to me feeling how I do.

[KindaHappy1]

Alright, another night of crappy sleep. The good side of it is that I got on the computer and meetup.com and joined a divorce support group and a couple of groups of people that get together doing fun activities.

I'm getting it now, I can look at this as my life being ruined or as an opportunity to rediscover myself and my likes. Most married people never get this chance. Looking back I can see that I haven't really been happy for a long time and I would have kept my life on auto pilot for the rest of my life without a second thought. This is my time to shine.

[Positivespin]

There is no "Normal" - Thank god!

I am trying to create the image in my head of what I want my life to look like when im done with this......That will be my "normal".

That is why goal setting is so important- How will we get to the place we want to be? Since we have all this time on our hands how can we use it productively to help us achieve our goals?

If we agree that we need to give our spouses room, ask no questions, dont snoop, dont pressure and dont beg.....then we will have time.

Right now we have so many things in our life that we dont have direct control over. Thats why its so important to create a goal list of ONLY items we have 100% control over. Is it running 4x a week for 1hr? you either do it or dont.

Is your goal to get a new job? goal should be to send x number of resumes a week. How about to do 100 pushups a day 5x a week within 90 days.

Save $1000 in a emergency acct?

Loved ones and buddies and IC's all want to see your pain go away. When I told my mother what im trying to do she called me a "Patsy" and asked why would I take someone back who walked all over me?

It took me a long time to come up with the answer that was different from what I was feeling in the beginning.....In the beginning I admit it was to save face and because it seemed easier then starting over.

Now its VERY different. I want to do everything in my power to save our marriage because my family deserves it. I WILL NOT be the single 60 YO still in love with my wife but I ruined it because i was vengeful and spiteful in the beginning. Im doing this 100% until she signs the papers. That is the point, in my mind, when I need to do something different.

If I find myself at that point I will be a VERY different, much improved person then when the bomb dropped........

[KindaHappy1]

PS, thanks again.

I agree, there is no normal. I just want to be at a point where my fears of abandonment don't push others away. I need to stop the self sabotaging behavior.

I agree with the importance of goal setting. In Susan Anderson's Taming Your Outer Child she explains how to project into the future when a certain goal has been met, then you work backward and figure out the steps it took you to achieve that goal in that time frame. When you are done, you have a blueprint to achieving your goal!

I really feel like a new man today. I know that there will be times that I am hurting, but by that time, I'm gonna have so much going on, that I wont have time to wallow in self pity.

I saw on facebook my older brother was going to a concert fest in a few weeks. I messaged him asking if I could tag along. I love my bro, but we never hung out. He was happy that I asked AND he invited me to join them in a Guitarkestra performance!

I've wanted to learn to play the guitar forever, now I'm going to get one, perform, and then learn to play. I love the backwards-ness of it!

Truth be told, I still want my W back, but now, it's not my focus, and I'm not planning on letting that want hold me from progressing on living a fun filled life anymore.

Before, everything I had to look forward to involved my wife (our first date after separating, counseling, second date, the wedding we went to, second MC...)
Now, it's all about me!

I am very curious as to what you think you would change if your wife signs the papers?

[Positivespin]

Simple,

SHE ended the marriage. SHE gave up. SHE blew up our family.

That is the point where I plan for my future - If we reunite after that point it will be by accident.

She will be the fool that left

Questions will include "where do I want to live" "What type of work do I want to do" "What car should I buy"- These are all questions that my wife would have input on.

I am on "hold" right now. I work on me and my relationship with D3.5. That is all I can do right now- My "circle of control"

I too want to learn guitar. Unfort, too busy right now.

[KindaHappy1]

Thank you so much FOTW. You speak such words of wisdom. It's just a shame that until we are ready for the message, they are just words. I can see how if I had just started full on DB when this started, I may be in a different place, but who knows?

I hope at the very least, someone who is just finding themselves in this position can see that trying to fight for the love and to try and fix every problem will just bring misery. Please, to anyone reading, if you are in the same shoes as me, DB or bust!