Questions without answers...answers with questions

[RosaLinda]

Dawn "H revealed to me last night that he has very little physical sex drive, and sensation, his mind is ready tho. I told him this is natural and he's going thru male menapous, he needs to be checked, and it can pass. He said 2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

He even said, "you deserve someone better, I'm no good for you, get a man that can give you all you need and want, your younger and going to waist your life with me. I don't have it anymore". He's 53. He's always been a very old soul, so he's more like 73. Really, lots say that about him."

Dawn I think that is really good that your husband recognizes that the stuff he said to you, blaming you for HIS affair, is not true. All that stuff is just part of the MLC craziness I think. Even the feeling old and not "having it" any more. In fact that is probably a big part of the MLC itself, they are facing the fact that they are older and not capable of doing everything they could do at age 25.

Just be there for him Dawn, you are doing great DBing. My favorite saying now -- cherish him enough to let him go with love, let him travel this journey he needs to go thru. I think he is starting to come out of replay and into depression, but what do I know -- I thought that about my own husband too and look at him now

Nero "he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.

Please don't get angry with me Nero, but I sort of agree with your husband here. I am exactly like you, and get hurt by my H's devotion to the notorious Russian Tramp, but realize that, in reality, he is NOT DOING ANYTHING TO ME. He is doing something (cheating) and I am hurt, but he is not really making me hurt. I am letting myself be hurt. I don't even know what I am going on about here, but it seems like there is a distinction here.

Nero "i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.
he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-
i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-
MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)
I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN"
THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.
i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-
he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???
he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HEDOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-
it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled ."

Nero, underneath it all your husband loves you. If he was just a "walk away husband" he would just have gotten sick of you and left. But he does not. He comes back, and he talks to you every day. This is something that maybe other people do not agree with, but is so clear in my mind. I think because of my first marriage counselor back in 2010 explaining MLC to me. I stand for my marriage because in my heart, I truly believe that my husband loves me, and that he going thru something horrible, but is loving me the best he can right now. He is searching for something that will make him feel better about himself, but all of the EAs in the world are not doing that for him. So he is not willing to let me go out of his life. And as long as he keeps connected to me, I will stand the best I can.

And look at what you write about your H, how you describe him. He is loving you the best he can right now. He has the Cow OW, but she is not fulfilling his need to feel better about himself. Their whole relationship is fake. In his heart he knows that, and knows that he loves you. But he just says that he cares and would hate for you to be gone from his life. I would be so happy if my husband told me that he cares but he never says anything like that. But as I wrote on my thread, I can now see that he is showing he cares in the best way he can right now.

Hang in there Nero. I think you and I are very much alike. We love too much and spin too much. I can see clearly what you need to do, and you can see clearly what I need to do. Hang in there. Do you have a DB coach? Maybe speaking to a professional DBer would help you.