I always thought it was so nice and made sure to show appreciation for his kindness, but suddenly I realized that that is how he shows his love for me.
Because I took that LL quiz a week or so ago to try to figure out his LL. I always knew I craved physical touch although I'd never heard of LLs, and sort of assumed that the fact that he was never very physically affectionate to me meant that he did not love me as much as I loved him.
i think this too- you're soooo nice in your outlook and devotion to h. i wish i could just either feel it alllll - like you still do- or not feel anything.
the input from friends thing- i have one friend that hates sseing me suffer- i know she can't help it- she is the "speak it rite out" type. she offends alot of people- somehow, i like her still , even tho. once when i was absolutely twirling in place over an upcoming giant party at my house for my mother's 75th birthday i think (or some big one) - she just showed up at my door to help me clean. i can not imagine who else in my life ever did it- just didn't wait to be asked - just did it. it says something about her-
BUT- she can be TOO frank for most folks- sometimes her "being cute" comes out wrong - people get offended. when she jumps in and calls h a rat- i notice my hackles still getup. it's okay for me to- not so much for her. sometimes i can overlook it- sometimes i have to say- "listen- 38 years of history and lots and lots of happy times make this not sooooo cut and dry to me" or something like it- she quickly backs off and acknowledges she can't imagine how it would feel.
it's BEING FAIR - I THINK ANYWAY- us acknowledging the GOOD that keeps us tied somehow. i guess we could go rite to the place of 'it's alllll bad" but like you and your H- mine still does things he thinks are important "for me". like jerking around all day fixing up and loading up a new computer with all my junk so i could switch if things got bad.
idk why he does things to improve and smooth my life - he still does- i say thanks - i'm still pissed & hurt he's got to be boinking ow. how the he!! we reconcile it- idk.
what i like about you is your unashamed loyalty. i think in some way i have it too- even in the face of disbelieving friends and f'ing judgemental and demanding relatives.
f them. so, got a magic matra? i wonder what you tell yourself and if it would work for me?
some days i just think over and over - "you can always leave tomorrow". most days my mind has soooo much rubbish in there it can't fix on anything - good or bad.
i just remember allllll the good things - so far they outweigh this huge huge BAD thing.
who wins in the end? idk...
i'm tired and it's morning- off to hospital before i just , what? explode- think i'll take a tranqilizer- it's small but takes off "caring edge" so
glad you're out there- i'll find a picture and send so you can know what the heck my head looks like-
