thanks for that thought- that you're "there". i feel sooooo f'd up this morning.
i even (i know- bad dog) kind of had a convo w/h - you know, kind of "went there". abbreviated version of "usual". i know he hates talking- i am sick of swallowing my thoughts allll the time.
he picked me because i talk- this business of being inscrutible is wearing me out.
anyway- it wasn't huge or awful (tho maybe he thinks so)
he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.
IT DIdn't resolve anything at all.
i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.
he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-
i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-
MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)
I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN" -
THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.
i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-
he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???
he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HE DOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-
it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled .
i didn't throw in that really- what i think about me is that i both anticipate and dread moving past him and this stinking mudhole i'm in - and embracing a new life and even more or better - some new person.
part of me fears it because i'm a outgoing kinda guy- in my life there was my ex- h and then i met this one when i was still married. i've always had someone.
it's a bad thing- but it's been a great thing- and part of me (the insane part no doubt) expects that sooner or later it will happen again.
i will hate walking away from him forever. i will absolutely love feeling cherished again.
(oh yeah- the no sex part of being a nun is not my cup of tea. i like the PHILOSOPHIcal and spiritual idea of being a nun - but now i'm merely a NONE. BIG DIFF.
idk- feel better "confessing". why did i even talk about this stuff? idk- i am sooooo bummed by the stinkin notion he is perfectly happy if i was out of his life- i just out with it sometimes. he denies it- alot. he says he hates seeing me unhappy or suffer - if it were to save me from this- and i asked him to end it- only then would he. he doesn't think we should end it-
wtf dawn.????
it's such pulling teeth to hear anything frm his stupid head , yet he blams away on his stinkin computer nite and day to any old jerk from any old where- guy buddies too- i swear- he is in that replay of youth mode everyone refers to.
can i make it- idk. my litehouse it out today- want to cry some more- hey- no mascara yet so i could even if i really wanted to...
i'm such a mess- i swear i wish i was in your neighborhood this moring- i cannot imagine why foisting my jacked up self on you would seem like it would be nice - it's kind of awful to expect you to prop me up- i feel like a bloodsucker kind of - but ther eyou have it. you're sounding good and i'm happy and it give me hope to reach some place like you.
Quote:
2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.
i believe my h still thinks his affair is "necessary" for him somehow. my words - not his. he does not say a thing about it- he doesn't deny or confirm one darn thing.
geeeez - he said leave my cell phone on- so he can reach me. i honestly have such a f'ing case about it- from reading his stinking love messages to his ow2 back two years ago- i wonder if it will ever go away. and then, it's his obvious constant "tie" to ow cow. idk- is he dense or what.
anyway- he said he'd fly here in a minute if i said i needed him to-
WHAT WOULD THAT BE? of course i need hm to- but i need him to thnk of it and do it because he absolutely cannot endure not seeing me another minute- or because he NEEEEEEDS to on his own.
he'll maybe never get that or feel that or do that. is it a man thing? or him??? any opinion
i felt the need to just say this to a sympathetic ear before i head to the hospital. i couldn't get mom on phone- she can't preobbly even "get it" about what's ringing and pick it up (sometimes).
fingers crossed for not a hostile day-
i'm outta here- i'll get back to facebook wheni have time and send a picture- it's probably a good thing for us all to picture eachother-
the thing about feeling bnadly in life- it makes ya look in the mirror and see all the bad things- i hate that i'm like that- susceptible. i kind of soak in and reflect back what i'm getting from people.
for bettr or worse huh? i tried to say to him i am not changing from the person i am. i don't know how it came out- probably notlucid . he both stays in the conversation - but doesn't participate unless forced. it's wierd.
i did say we both were a couple of jerks for the longest time to not have both spoken up about what we didn't like as we went along- all this business of not stepping on the other guys toes- has landed us in this place of non-communication and disconnect (in part anyway) due to just not being straight forward and honest.
it's such a giant mess- can this huge spagetti mountain of tangled crappola ever ever ever unravel itself- one wonders.
still here but not sure why... (as usual).
hope your day is good- as usual i have to say, whateve ryour h is or does or feels- i stil admire the fact that he talks and shares. even sharing total $hit is sharing. me, i'm a sharer - i try and communicate - it seems important FOR SOMEONE in the world to uderstand what i'm saying and feeling.
kill me- maybe he feels like that too. maybe that's not so awful. even if what he's sharing seems like total crap to you- it's something. just mho - it would seem a hopeful sign to me in general - in life- that he wants you to understand hm or what he's feeling or going thru.
it manifests itself in wacky and hurtful ways. but he's keeping lines open. my h- this business of raised ALONE - believing he's a lone wolf kinda guy (hello- open your eyes - me, ow, people - he's further from solitary than even me- and i'm far-ish) he is blind-
your buddy- spinning in this $hit tornado of a life- heading to hospital, guilty to be dragging my feet-
xxoo hope your day is good. you do sound v good and iim glad for you- for that.
