idk about me and facebook being my "place to go" - i'm attached still to this forum. it seems "rude" to just pick one person and whine my stupid head off- here i thnk i throw it all out there- if anyone feels like looking in and seeing what the heck i'm saying- they do. it's their option-
on fb- or emails - when i pick one person- i'm landing that poor sap "with the whole ball of wax" - know what i mean???
it's like putting some personal obligation on you or linda or someone to respond or react-
feels like bad form kind of- maybe i'll get used to it. i get it that we can exchange personal information- that's good - the privacy. i never realized how very much i need and preservemy privacy. (hey- maybe i am a secret agent?)
i've spent a year spilling my stinkin guts here to the whole "forum world" - so i don't have too much shame anymore - but i feel like i can be free to do it and not shackle one poor schnuk with my jerked up life & woes - and also the anonanimity is nice as well. . it helps alot- i do it= i'm addicted a bit to having here to come to.
this morning i swear- i'm reading a book that's making me cry- but the cry is there in the background anyway.
don't know- it's a few minor tears- it doesn't help really does it? i thought if i ever could just cry a bit - it would somehow help or be cathartic - i wish i was as final and done as you sound. if i just felt trapped like a rat(which i do btw) ANd ready or in a position to DO SOME THING ABOUT IT other than just sit around feeling mad and insulted as usual-
i'm "stuck" again- when h is around for a month- i'm not liking too much his no-touch mode- but it's "something" and "someone" familiar sharing my life & house. then ka bam- the contrast of F'ING NO ONE - no time- no nothin and he is apparently just happy as a clam with it down there. i hate it- hate that he likes it- hate feeling insulted - COMPELLED NOT TO ACT LIKE I EVEN NOTICE IT- IT puts me sooooo f'ing on edge & icky- and makes me desirous of getting a giant tractor trailor - getting to our street in fla and driving it rite thru the front of his house.
THEN it inspires alllllll the same old middle-of-the-night brain spin - cripes. i know tons and tons of people deal with lonliness and it could be alot worse-
IT'S JUST KNOWING THAT IT WAS ALWAYS alot better that makes a body want what they had. selfish baby- idk- oh well huh???
just when i think i've reached new ground - more detached (i am, but not ENOUGH) - THEN I realize the switchover is ALWAYS kind of awful.
i can't even sit around and piss&moan about it- need to get dressed and go to the damn hospital - i am soooooo DONE WITH THAT TOO- it's such a shabby shabby feeling - that i'm soooo ungracious about it all- a bad luck illness and i'm not wanting to participate anymore....
i wonder if it would be more willing on my part if my mother bothered to not treat me like her toerag. i even say it to her- get the duhhh face - it's soooo much a part of her - picking on whatever kid is around while slathering all sorts of exotic praise and compliments on any other human being around. it is downright wierd- if it were new with the dementia , maybe it wouldn't get under my skin. it's not-
HOWEVER - EVEN SAYING THIS OUT LOUD - makes me realize what a nut i sound like- allowing someone pretty "out there" to irk me so much. (now, after years of it- )
i guess actually - as i say this out loud too- it's better than olden days when it hurt my feelings - now i expect it- it still irks me- but doesn't inspire me to fight- just want to walk away from it all...
man- i am not at my best being a nursie-pooh. i don't know how linda does it- or anyone. maybe if it's not your own relative or loved one- you manage better to let it all roll off your back.
i'd have thought by now i'd be waaay better at accepting criticism graciously. i wonder if i'll ever get there-
BUT THEN - I WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD makes people want to actively "dump" on someone else. i'm also thinking i invite it somehow- maybe because i don't make a big "to do" about it.
it is something going on sometimes with my sisters and h and so on- some r i have with everyone where they feel totally "free" to "go there" with me- instead of being afraid-
SOMETHING NEW ON LIST OF THINGS TO FIX ABOUT SELF_ - find the proper reaction that says "don't go there buddy" while not getting mad or hurt or nuts...
this "getting perfect" thing is wearing - isn't it???
hope things are good with you- glad you're having peace with your mind-set- i'm hopeful of getting there one day.
Honest to God- i need some fun & a sidekick. when i consider since my sister died- h got wierd - mom heading downward - the last five or so years have had bit "ENDINGS" GOING ON. I need to be around the beginnings more- the little kids in fla i think.
SO - BEGS THE QU3STION - all this stuff floating around out there saying we need to be happy with ourselves - wtf??? i like me well enough- do i only want to spend my life with me exclusively - no. boooooooooring- i know me, i know what i think , etc.- i want to have fun with a companion. everythng is more fun or easier with someone to share it with. i'm tired of my companions being gone- done it- need more.
being on fb yesterday- boy, i sure don't like it- i know i'll get used to something about it- but i do not like the constant stream of pictures and people i don't know or do know- nagging me to be friends- look at them, etc. i just am not interested and i don't like how "naggie" it feels.
is that nutty or what???? i sure hate even a stupid website telling me what to do- i have some MAJOR authority problems i guess.
i know i sound like neurosis central this morning- i think i am. hate to acknowledge it- but there it is huh?
i guess i'm out of here because i need to go wash my hair and get rolling today- i'll probably top it off by catching some wierd disease hanging around hospitals so much- eeeeek
yeah - just go nutball here- think i'll go find a little tranquilizer and take a step back today. can't do THIS all day-
