DD, I agree with Cadet and most of the other responders here. I do NOT agree with "fade" who is recommending to confront your wife. it is possible that confronting her might be effective at a later time - but now is NOT that time.
MWD says that most affairs wither away on their own. right now your wife is intoxicated with her fantasy affair, and cannot see OM for the loser that he really is. and unfortunately she won't believe you if you try to tell her that. she has to find out on her own.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
You mentioned that she may be telling him things that are not necessarily her true intention?
I wouldn't put it that way. I would say that what they are telling each other is a fantasy, wishful thinking, no connection to the real world (in which he is uneducated and married, and living with another girlfriend besides her).
the intoxicating thing about affairs is that they are all fun and fantasy. whereas real life has responsibilities. it's not fun. so that, and not any magical quality of OM, is what attracts her. she isn't really in love with OM, she is intoxicated with the fantasy of the affair.
but eventually something will happen to open her eyes. maybe when she realizes that he is not going to leave his other girlfriend so she can move in with him. or, when she sees that what she has at home is a lot better than OM.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
I must admit, it's been embarrassing to read some of their text/email exchanges. They're very childish exchanges, blindly making all encompassing statements about "forever" and how much love they have for each other, when in reality, it's been a relatively short time to be making end-all statements like that.
What do you make of it?
they're in fantasy land.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
I'm hearing that confronting her outright with the specifc knowledge is aggressive and controlling, perpetuating any opinions she may have of me.
no, the controlling behavior is the demands that you must place on her (that you listed earlier) once she knows that you know. if she knows that you know, and you don't make those demands (e.g. to stop seeing OM) then you look like a wimp. but if you do make those demands, you come across as "controlling" and then she will run to OM who makes no demands on her. you see what I mean? once you've confronted her, you lose either way.
but right now, she doesn't know that you know, and you can pretend that you don't know (because you haven't confronted her yet). so you can use that time to your advantage. you can build yourself up as a "nice guy", a good husband, a good father - the guy she would be a fool to leave. and then if/when you confront her, she would know what she stands to lose. and she might come to her senses on her own (or OM might leave her for another girlfriend) and you might not need to confront her at all. so use your time wisely.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
W told OM that they share the desire to set goals and work hard to attain them, if they hit an obstacle, they find a way to overcome it. That is not not my strong suit!
is this something that you would want to be your strong suit? or you just think it is what your wife wants?
if it is not a quality that is important to you, what other good qualities do you have that you can develop? what bad habits do you have that you can overcome?
what originally attracted her to you?
what things were you doing when things were going well between you?
you want to make yourself the best man you can be - the guy she would be a fool to leave.
Originally Posted By: doubledown
So by "shining a light" on the affair, you mean detaching and leaving her with only her affair to contend with? Thus, she realizes that it's all up to her and OM to make their own happiness, leaving her without any other options.
Then she may begin to see that I'm happy enjoying my life with the kids and doing other things and this may intrigue her to investigate what she 's leaving behind. Am I on the right track here?
