DD, you can think about it, and plan it, but **now is not the time to confront her**. you can always do it later.
right now she is starting a new job (where OM will not be her co-worker). and she will be stressed because she has been looking for a job like this for a long time, and she wants to do well in her job so she wouldn't lose it and have to go back to jobs that she doesn't like.
so right now you need to be supportive towards her at a time when she is stressed because of her new job. and that is regardless of OM. pretend he doesn't exist. pretend that in her new job she won't see him at all (she will certainly be seeing him a lot less) and **be supportive of her regarding her new job**.
also, once you confront her, then you can't pretend you don't know. you will need to act on it. and that might not go the way you want. it is highly unlikely that she will drop OM just because you confront her. she will just find better ways to hide her tracks, while continuing to lie to you. or she might leave you altogether.
so here is how things will look if you confront her: H = accusing, nagging OM = fun, relaxing
is that what you want?
or do you want instead: H = supportive, dependable, fun OM = loser
so instead of confronting her right now, you should be doing the things I told you before. GAL. spend time with your sons doing fun things. be supportive towards her regarding her new job.
become the guy she would be a fool to leave.
and when the time is right, when she wants to work on improving your marriage, *that* will be the time to say "him or me". right now is not that time.
